“You’re Welcome, Society”: Millennials Top 5 Contributions Thus Far

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Photo: slate.com

Tyler (@entryrevel) is the founder of EntryRevel.com, a satirical guide to and as escape from the real world for the underpaid and overserved millennial. He has been writing for NCB for roughly 3 days.

Gretchen may have never made fetch happen, but the same can’t be said for millennials. Kids these days have allowed Chipotle to create an economy unto its own with smashed avocado (that costs extra!), mastered a foreign language with Starbucks lingo and even created their own cult with Cross Fit. Simply put, if we put our minds, er, our disposable (read: parents) income to it, we can make it happen. So without further adieu, from the people who made Surge, Pokemon and Tomagachis happen, I give you a definitive list of millennials contributions to society:

Brunch. These days brunch is synonymous with being the final destination of hungover white girl’s walk of shame. But just a few years ago this hybrid meal was reserved for post-Church geriatrics to bridge the time between waking up at 4 in the morning to watchMurder She Wrote re-runs and the early bird special. Insta-worthy food porn and Kardashian wannabes have made this a Sunday Funday mainstay and given a whole new meaning to 4th meal.

Food trucks. When I was growing up, if you were getting food from a van it was candy from the neighborhood pedophile. Once as prevalent on construction sites as cat calling and racist joke, foodies have made these traveling health code violations, mainstream. Our generation has become infatuated with eating artisanal organic food from a refurbished plumbers truck. The modern day hunters and gatherers are herds of hangry corporate drones searching for which corner their favorite Korean Thai Mexican Hybrid food truck is parked on.

Painting and Wine. Just when your parents thought they didn’t have to display your shitty finger paintings any longer, some starving artists decided to exploit the middle class which has an insatiable hankering for a new date night spot and rose. Cleverly named painting studios have been popping up quicker than bodegas in the hood. This pandemic is fueled by the ravenous hunger of white girls to spend their parents money who are in search of the perfect Instagram opportunity. #starrynightbitches

Facial hair/man bun. Up until recently unless you were a sack carrying, traveling vagrant or that one creepy uncle everyone has, you didn’t have facial hair. What started with cookie dusters during Movember has erupted into Amish beards and the nauseatingly European man-bun. With accepting work cultures and reinvigorated cultural belief that masculinity stems from the amount of taco meat protruding from your open shirt, razor sales are down and clogged drains are on the rise.

Techno. What started out as a genre reserved strictly for Abercrombie stores, has blossomed into mainstream Top 40 and beyond. The revolution that Darude started in 2001 has been refined and perfected by MDMA fueled, glow stick toting bros whose violent gyrations constitute raving. White nerdy Europeans have been at the forefront of this musical revolution and our generation can’t pay enough to hear the same Garage Band beat for 35 minutes in a row.

Whether baby boomers complain about it or not (spoiler alert: they will) millennials are forging their own cultural revolution. We gave life to cronuts, 37 comic book movie franchises and the Kardashians. With great power comes great responsibility and if we keep changing the world with the likes of Taco Bell delivery I think we deserve some serious props from our predecessors.

This all begs the question, whats next for the ADHD generation? Use the comments below to tell us what you think millennials greatest contribution is thus far, and let us know whats next.

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