Derek J. Hernandez

You Might Be A Husker Homer If… (2013 Edition)

August 31st can’t come soon enough. The haters are out in full force and they are knocking over all the Kool-Aid and blocking all the sunshine. We true fans need to unite. How do you know if you’re a “true” fan? Well, let me tell ya…

cornstalk homer

You might be a Husker Homer if … you’re fixated on the number “9”.

No other number matters.

Not 4, the number of losses the Huskers have compiled each season under head man Bo Pellllini. Why do the haters spell it like that? I don’t get it.

Not 640 or 653*, the number of yards given up to UCLA and Wisconsin respectively in 2012. Those just happen to be the 2nd and 3rd most yards EVER given up by the Blackshirts. We can probably attribute the UCLA game to jet lag and the Wisconsin game to Baker being out.

*539 of those yards were rushing yards. This was the most rushing yards ever surrendered by Nebraska, but who is counting. 

Not 12, the number of regular season games in college football now days. Back in Osborne’s day it was 11. That’s only a one game difference.

Not 5, the number of games Pellllini has coached that are on the top 12 “Most Points Surrendered Since 2000” list. There’s that spelling again!

Not even the numbers 14, 20, 24, and 25 in order matter. These are the final AP rankings for the Huskers since 2009. So we’re trending up?

No other number matters but 9. How many other schools do this each year? That’s what I thought.

BONUS: This was stolen from someone way smarter than me, but this is something else that doesn’t matter. He’s just a hater.

If numbers were everything and qualitative aspects don’t matter, then I invite anyone to go to a local daycare and beat up 20 children and then proceed to tell everyone you’re 20-0 in lifetime fist-fights. Context matters.

Pffttt. Context, schmontext…

Is that literal or figurative pee on Bo's leg?

Is that literal or figurative pee on Bo’s leg?

You might be a Husker Homer if … you believe Bo’s outbursts and anger bring out the passion from his players and gets them ready for the biggest games.

Who cares that Bo’s record against teams that finished ranked in the AP Top 25 is a blistering 5-14? He’s got that fire! He’s got so much fire he has to blow off some steam in the basements of hotels before games and at Little League softball games!

It doesn’t matter that it’s hard to decipher which Husker coach is responsible for the following loss averages (what do those numbers on the left mean?):

2012, 70-31, 36-30, 63-38, AVG 56-33
2011, 48-17, 28-25, 45-17, 30-13, AVG 38-18
2010, 20-13, 9-6, 23-20, 19-7, AVG 18-12
2009, 16-15, 31-10, 9-7, 13-12, AVG 17-11
2008, 35-30, 52-17, 37-31, 62-28, AVG 47-27

2007, 49-31, 41-6, 45-14, 36-14, 28-25, 76-39, 65-51, AVG 49-26
2006, 28-10, 22-20, 41-29, 21-7, 17-14, AVG 26-16
2005, 34-31, 41-24, 31-24, 40-15, AVG 37-24
2004, 21-17, 70-10, 45-21, 34-27, 30-3, 26-20, AVG 38-13

Another BONUS! Here’s something else we all can ignore since stats are for losers!

Average point differential in Nebraska losses / average points allowed in losses:

2008: 20 point differential / 46.5 points allowed
2009: 6.25 point differential / 17.5 points allowed
2010: 6.25 point differential / 17.75 points allowed
2011: 17.25 point differential / 37.75 points allowed
2012: 23.33 point differential / 56.33 points allowed

We’ve got things pointed in the right direction! It took T.O. 50 years to do anything worth a damn.

You might be a Husker Homer if … you value “heart” more than “stars”.

Nevermind that the $EC can attribute most of their 7-year title run to recruiting entire constellations. We want players that are good character guys that aren’t prima donnas.

This chart though…

recruiting rankings Source: Hail Varsity 

Yeah, but, whatever. Who cares if national champions usually average top 10 or higher recruiting classes. We had Tom Osborne the greatest coach ever. He turned those guys into stars!

Wait, what’s this next point about? I’d never talk bad about Saint Osborne…

You might be a Husker Homer if … you compare Bo Pelini favorably to Tom Osborne.

It doesn’t matter that Bo has inquired about numerous jobs and has gotten turned down for all of ‘em, he’s the next Tom Osborne. Nobody else sees that but us much like nobody worth a damn snatched up Frankie after we unjustly canned him. I’ll vote for Tom as the greatest coach ever in any and every fan vote out there, but when it’s time to compare his career to Bo Pelini, I’ll mention all his shortcomings to justify Bo.

Hater: “What about this stat that shows….”

Balderdash! Other than OU, T.O. was coaching against six Schools of the Blind year in and year out. Plus, stats are for the birds…

TO Overrated

You might be a Husker Homer if … you think (negative) stats don’t matter.

Seriously. Enough with the stats. You can’t paint a picture of how things are going within the program with numbers. There’s no such things as inside connections, and even if there were these so-called “inside connections” the Lincoln area is so populated you’d NEVER come across one of these insiders. Plus, only if you coached before or have previously been a strength and conditioning coach could you know how the program was doing.

ALL of that being said, I know the program is in the right hands. Just trust me.

You might be a Husker Homer if … you think ESPN is out to get Nebraska.

How dare they criticize T-Magic’s throwing motion? Only us Husker Homers can do that.

Why do they only feature teams that are in title contention and have Heisman contenders? Show more Nebraska because we’re the best! We totally own fan votes. Gosh, we are more upset about losing fan vote “championships” than actual championships!

You might be a Husker Homer if … you would take T-Magic over Johnny Football (Pre-Autograph Situation). 

Martinez > Manziel all day, every day.

Who cares that T-Magic is 0-3 in bowl games and pads his stats against teams that finish unranked. Who cares that Johnny Football won more bowl games in one season than Martinez’s entire career and that he was a Heisman Trophy winning QB that torched THE dynasty of the decade on their home turf last year.



You might be a Husker Homer if … you think we can’t attract anyone better than Bo. 

Nevermind all those fan votes and countless Facebook statuses saying we have the best fans, program, facilities, people, beef, grass, whatever. We may proudly proclaim we’re THE BEST, but that doesn’t apply to attracting top coaches. We’re kind of like that supermodel girl with an awesome personality, amazing work ethic, and access to a ton of money…that settles for some guy from her hometown that’s not terrible, but also not the best she could do. A guy that’s not a perfect 10 but more like a 9/12 or 10/14.

If we ever lost Bo, we couldn’t find anyone better.

You might be a Husker Homer if … you exonerate Bo from most issues due to the previous regime…

…but think it’s silly for Barack Obama and his supporters to place any blame on G.W. because, you know, Nebraska is a die-hard red state in more ways than one.

Blame Cally

You might be a Husker Homer if … you think the author of this article is a hater. 

It doesn’t matter that he’s a lifetime paying dues member of the Nebraska Alumni Association, recently relocated from another state to be closer to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, plans to name his first boy after Husker great Barron Miles, supports ALL UNL athletic programs, has two drawers and a fourth of his closet dedicated to Husker gear, and devotes waaaay too much of his time following the Big Red…he’s not a true fan. A true fan cheers on the program with blind optimism.

You might be a Husker Homer if … you stopped reading this after the opening paragraph…



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