Yeah. We were all rooting for a Mickie James moment here. You know what we’re talking about.
We are off with the 997th episode of Monday Night RAW
What RAW wouldn’t want to start off with a recap of last week. Big Show dominating John Cena at the end of RAW with a throw in the air choke slam and the Colossal/Camel Clutch. WWE is really pushing Big Show as an unstoppable monster. I guess we are all supposed to forget he was stopped by John Cena in a steel cage at No Way Out, so he is unstoppable unless he is in a steel cage. Makes sense.
We are three weeks away from episode #1000 and above the ring the Money In The Bank briefcase is hanging, smart way to build anticipation for a PPV that is right around the corner
The Godfather of Overly Baggy Suits Theodore Long has made tonight’s main event and it is John Cena and CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho. Great main event I would say, should be a great match.
John Cena is out first to kick off Monday Night RAW, we have a great crowd according to Cena and he gets his typical loud face pop. It really seems lately like John Cena is getting stronger face pops when he comes out for his promo, they used to be a mix but now it seems like they are really strong face pops. They run down the RAW Money in the Bank ladder match which I have no desire to se, I’m sorry there isn’t much that I feel Show, Kane, and Cena will be able to do in a ladder match. I hope I’m wrong but I just can’t see it being that excited. John Cena thanks The Big Show and Chris Jericho for their actions last week on RAW and Cena says that he has never been in a Money In The Bank match and now he knows what to expect. He goes off that anything can happen at MITB with The Giant Big Show, sort of like a hyphenated name, from his two characters, kind of like John Cena-Prototype. The reward is a title contract whenever he wants and their will be no friends only enemies in this ladder match, which is understandable when he is the only face in the match. Cena says he will be prepared, god forbid he’s not or we are all screwed and says two things will happen at MITB; Big Show will leave a sewage baby and Cena himself will grab the contract, cash in contract, and win the WWE Championship. SI! SI! SI! Daniel Bryan comes down the ramp and said he didn’t realize that Cena was here tonight. Really, you didn’t hear him in the back or see him backstage all day? He is John Friggin Cena. Bryan says that Cena isn’t relevant to him, yet didn’t Bryan and the rest of Nexxus’ attack on Cena get him fired, what a great angle that would be. This hot crowd is now chanting NO! NO! NO! It is amazing how strong this YES! Chant got over. Bryan states that IF Cena wins MITB and WHEN Daniel Bryan defeats CM Punk at MITB THEN Cena will be the first ever MITB winner to lose contract. PUNKER TIME!!! Great timing by Punk as him and Bryan go back and forth with one another, the two of them have great chemistry together, and you know it is like they have done this before a time or two. Punk goes over that AJ, who is Bryan’s ex girlfriend (was that ever established?) is the special guest referee for their match at MITB and it will AJ who counts Bryan’s shoulders to the mat for the 1-2-3. Punk turns his attention to Cena, and if Cena wins it comes down to Punk and Cena AGAIN I will take that, I loved their match last year at Money In The Bank and would love to see it again. CHRIS JERICHO is up next on promo time. Jericho starts off with Punk and lets him know that Punk is still a wannabe and everyone steals Jericho’s catch phrases. Punk gets on the mic and says we have The Best in the World v Bon Jovi BANG ZOOM RIGHT IN THE MUSH by Punk there. Jericho wants Daniel Bryan to think of other catch phrases and then Jericho goes and says three of his most well known catch phrases; “Would you please shut the hell up” POP “Welcome to Raw is Jerichooooooooooo!!” POP “They will never ever ever be the same again” POP. Jericho then looks at Bryan and says that Bryan just needs more arrows in his quiver. Now Jericho turns his attention to John Cena needs to be better prepared for Money In The Bank because Jericho invented it so Jericho is most prepared to win. I guess we will look past the last two MITB matches he lost and he dares anyone to come down to the ring and tell him other wise….wonder who is next…. KANE from hell, fire, and brimstone, Lawler lets us know that there are not a lot of catch phrases from Kane but a lot of victories. Not really Jerry but ok. Kane focus directly at Jericho and…… WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW! Anyone else thinks this turns into a “ Pier 6 Brawl”? I know I do. That didn’t take that long as we have an explosion, they all exchange offenses and Big Show punches Cena in the tummy that slows Cena down. Wait a tick, a body shot wil stumble Cena but a face punch knocks Cena out cold? Show needs more body work training. Now everyone is laid out in the ring with the exception of The Big Show, he didn’t even have to take off his beanie. That is devastation homes
DID YOU KNOW?!?!?! DID YOU??!? DID YOU?!?! When RAW debuted Kim Kardashian was 12 years old, Katy Perry was 8 years old, Miley Cyrus was 2 years old, and Justin Bieber wasn’t even born. Thanks a lot ******, I feel real old now. Charlie Sheen will be social media ambassador for RAW’s 1000th episode. I think it is smooth move by Vince to have Sheen tweet during RAW, but I think it is a year late to really capitalize on Sheen being a certified nut.
8 man tag match: Titus O Neil, Darren Young, David Otunga and Cody Rhodes v Christian, Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
Christian starts off against Darren Young, must admit that he has came long way from when Cena called him Buckwheat. The two exchange offenses for a bit, while Cole reminds us that GM Teddy Long ran Smackdown for a decade and didn’t do a great job, wait a minute didn’t Michael Cole broadcast on that terrible show during Long’s tenure? R-Truth is tagged in to face Darren Young now and we learn that O Neil and Young are the #1 contenders for the tag team titles, never mind the fact that these belts have been so devalued over the years that people don’t care who the champs are, let alone the number 1 contenders are. Kofi Kingston comes in and does a middle rope dive onto O Neil and gets clotheslined for his troubled by Buckwheat. They tease all 8 men getting involved on the outside as we go to commercial with Santino Marella with a hilarious ninja kick. We are back with Cody v Kofi, which would be a great feud to elevate Kofi, Rhodes is dominating Kingston as we get another taste of Abraham Washington who is mic’d up on the outside. I have a feeling this would be a pretty cool concept back in the 80s with managers like Fuji, Heenan, Sherri, Elizabeth, etc etc. We now have Santino Marella with the “Marty Jannetty hot tag” vs David Otunga and Marella gets a few offensive moves in and O Neil and Young break up Marella’s offense and it looks we have our second Pier 6 Brawl, I’m guessing the finish is coming soon. Washington removes O Neil and Young from the match, “because they don’t need this right now” but aren’t they supposed to be #1 contenders? Rhodes now is turning his back on Otunga. I guess not even in the WWE does a lawyer get any love. I know what this match needs…A LIVING BREATHING EATING WALKING TALKING FUNKASORUS! Brodus Clay is back from that beat down he got from Big Show, I guess he recovers well. This all means is that everyone will be dancing in 5 or so minutes, I wonder if Christian dances? Sloppy move by Clay (shocking) Otunga is back I the ring and COBRA TIEMPO!! 1-2-3 and a win for the face team, everyone dance now! Brodus Clay hits his finisher on Otunga and goes for the cover; I can’t make that up if I tried. Eventually after minutes of looking like the “too cool white guy” Christian ends up doing whatever dance Clay does. That is great.
Teddy Long and Alberto Del Rio backstage
GM Baggy Suits Teddy Long is dancing terribly in his office as Alberto Del Rio walks in to the office and tries to butter Long up. Del Rio brings up his title match he earned after Wrestlemania, a little late for that hombre. Del Rio talks about the circumstances he has had to endure from injuries, triple threat matches, and wearing scarves in the summer; two out of three ain’t bad so now we have to give Del Rio a title match, GM Long disagrees but however the phantom Board of Directors have made a title match which is Del Rio vs Sheamus for World Heavyweight title at MITB, but tonight Del Rio faces a surprise opponent. Who could it be, is it Rey Mysterio who is supposed to be back from suspension, better yet can it be DOOM!!! Someone call Butch Reed and Ron Simmons, what a moment it would be to see those guys walked down the aisle by Teddy Long.
RAW retro moments: We got back to when Vince was preparing for the Royal Rumble to face Stone Cold Steve Austin. These skits were comedic gold, as they were intended to be. There was Vince running in the snow, Vince punching a slab of meat (insert joke here), and the best of them all is when Shane had Vince chase around a live chicken. I can’t foresee how that will ever get old
We are back and Michael Cole said he emulated Vince’s training regime during his preparation for Cole’s match vs. Lawler at Wrestlemania. I would be more impressed if he emulated Jim Ross’ commentary for future Wrestlemania’s, but such is life sometimes
Alberto Del Rio vs Red Sin Cara
Del Rio is out in a 1955 Rolls Royce and Cole drops the gem saying that Del Rio drove that from his home in Mexico City. I’, sure Del Rio got that thing through Border Patrol without being stopped. Cole mentions that it is 10 hours from Mexico City to this venue and we are still supposed to believe Del Rio drove that Rolls Royce here. Cool story, Cole. Chants of “Perro” reign down on Del Rio, clever. The mystery opponent is Red Sin Cara! Well at the least this should be a decent luchador style match to prep Del Rio for MITB. Having Rey would have blown the roof off this place but I guess Sin Cara will have to do. Del Rio catches Sin Cara before the match officially starts and let the burying begin! Side note: Please let this perro chant catch on, I could see fans in most venues not knowing what they are chanting but using it as a heat tool for Del Rio who sorely needs it. Red Sin Cara is on the outside and Del Rio hits the cross arm breaker and doesn’t want to let go. Match never officially started so I guess there is no winner, I know who lost Sin Cara, all that hype in the beginning and now he is getting buried in rapid time by Del Rio. Yeah, you left Mexico for this Mystico, good move.
Backstage with AJ
We get an AJ sighting in the fact, she is fine, and has the Punk red x’s on her taped up hands; it is the little things again. Daniel Bryan brings her a rose and he has a confession, he has always cared about AJ and was just frustrated at himself and didn’t know how to react (I’ve used this angle before and it never works. AJ thinks that is sweet and she is sure it has nothing to do with her being referee. AJ said she is going to win her match tonight and run into the arms of the man that the WWE Universe thinks is her soul mate, CM Punk. AJ proceeds to put the rose in her mouth and spit out the petals and leave. Phenomenal job by AJ, she just gets better every week
Paul Heyman segment
We cut to Paul Heyman who is live via satellite and is staring down the makeup guy as we go to commercial, again it’s the little things, Heyman looks all business here which should make for another amazing promo by Heyman Promo for The Great American Bash on TV Tuesday night, this went from being The Great American Bash on PPV to “The Bash” on PPV, and now we get “The Great American Bash” on free TV Tuesday night. Another recap of the Heyman v HHH war of words, HHH uses the scary HHH voice at No Way Out. I wonder if he uses that at home to, just imagine him looking for the remote or the keys and turning to Stephanie saying “where, is, the, remote!” Heyman is live and says that Lesnar will answer HHH’s challenge at the 1000th episode of RAW. They are really gearing this thing up, as they should for such a big event. Heyman says that he doesn’t doubt HHH wants to fight Lesnar, but does question HHH’s motives; does HHH need $$$? Heyman assures us he will after the lawsuits are settled. Why does HHH want to face Lesnar at Summerslam, Heyman thinks it is his way out because HHH knows that Lesnar will end his active wrestling career and HHH will be then transition into the Corp Exec/Heir Apparent to the throne in WWE. The crowd is dead silent now and eating out of Heymans hands. Heyman thinks that everyone around HHH will speak of his as courageous as he died on his own shield in combat but this won’t be a match, this will be a mercy killing. For god’s sake Vince, hire Heyman, just let him take your weakest talkers and manage them either on camera or behind the scenes, please.
BREAKING NEWS!! Tonight there will be a NO DQ match between Kane and the Big Show, apparently this concept hasn’t been done enough to death, why not do it on more time.
Up next however, is a mixed team Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler vs AJ and Sheamus.
Dolph and Vickie vs Sheamus and AJ
Vickie Guerrero announces that she is the most charismatic diva ever. No one is going to believe in you if you don’t believe in you so good for you Vickie. I would much rather watch your daughter wrestle and you talk, wishful thinking indeed. Ziggler is out next to what seems to be a small face pop, like I said last week, the fans are buying into his talent and ability, while even though it is taking a while the crowd is warming up to Ziggler. Lawler gets good line in saying how Vickie reminds him of “Monroe” but he means the former President not the actress. BANG ZOOM RIGHT IN THE KISSER!! AJ is out next, she has her hands and wrists taped up like Punk, akkkkwwwaaaarrrrdddd but a great addition to her already psycho character. The big man, Sheamus heads out next to a great pop, as much heat as he got in the beginning for just being HHH’s workout buddy turned main event wrestler. He has really taken a firm grasp as the #1 Smackdown baby face who consistently has solid matches and gets the crowd to buy in to what he does. Can’t really ask for much more out of your champ. AJ begins the match by leaping at Vickie and Sheamus catches her with one hand and walks over to the turnbuckle and AJ heads to the edge of the ring. As expected Dolph and Sheamus start out with some early chain wrestling and Dolph gets launched in the corner Sheamus goes for a quick pin and gets a 2 count. Dolph regains momentum until Sheamus catches him and launches him in the air into the turnbuckle. Ziggler quickly counters by kicks Sheamus’ leg from Sheamus’ leg (hi Owen Hart, how you doing up there buddy). Dolph continues to work on Sheamus and catches him with a leaping DDT out of nowhere, which to me would be a great finishing move. Sheamus delivers a stiff elbow to Ziggler and Sheamus then hits “White Noise” which is followed up by an attempted Brouge Kick but Ziggler ducks it once, and but then eats a Brogue Kick from the ring apron and Ziggler is sprawled out on the outside. AJ comes in and hits shining wizard and puts Vickie down for the uno dos 3 and proceeds to rip the mic away from Justin “don’t choke me bro” Roberts and chants “YES” up the ramp way.
Backstage segment with AJ looking around for Punk and finds him on his phone and does what all psycho creatures do and pesters Punk on who he is talking to. First it is in a cute way and slowly it becomes more aggressive, I’ve never seen this before in my life from a female, ever, I swear. Punk lets AJ know that he was on the phone with his sister and wasn’t able to watch AJ’s match which infuriates AJ and she walks off after saying “you weren’t paying attention to me”. AJ leaves very dejected.
Health Slater vs Doink/DDP
The one man southern rock band tackling dummy Heath Slater is in the ring. We know he is going to face a legend and all that I ask for is since Teddy Long is in charge we get a “Doom” reunion, complete with Teddy Long in a wave cap and grey suit. I can’t believe I am saying this but I sort of feel bad for the one man tackling dummy because he got stuck with Sid last week and even when Sid was wresting full time, safety was exactly his middle name. I have yet to figure out what a one man band is but apparently it is Health Slater which is a ginger with weird tattoos, rock on bro. Slater would like to let you know he is not a clown, he is a one man band…DOINK?!?!? Next to no pop for Doink, it’s evident that really no one cares. Doink has chosen to wrestle tonight in Nike’s; I guess the whole “bring your gear” concept failed Doink. Doink slaps the one man band and the band kicks Doink in the chest. This is great wresting, to fold you’re laundry to, eventually the one man band pins Doink. Out of clear blue sky a real legend comes out, not wearing Nike’s. What was the point of Doink being there, was he the tackling clown dummy to make the one man southern rock band tackling dummy look good? Life’s questions I tell you. Cole refers to DDP as a 3 time WCW champion turned yoga instructor, nice shot Cole. DDP does the diamond sign/roc a fella sign then Slater throws the “Roc Diamond” up and apparently he didn’t do a good enough job because he takes a Diamond Cutter. I would have loved to see a DDP yoga move at the end but oh well; I can’t win them all in life.
Tuesday “No Holds Barred” comes out on DVD, Lawler makes the honest comment when he says that, “It wasn’t supposed to be funny but it was hilarious. It really was a classic for all of the wrong reasons. After watching the highlights night on RAW I just cant figure out why Hogan’s acting career fizzled into such gems as “Santa With Muscles”…. The announcer says the movie redefined an era, not sure which era it redefined, maybe that’s part of the DVD extras where you find out which error it redefined.
Big Show and Kane are walking; their No DQ match is next.
Great promo package with John Cena and Alicia Fox visiting recovering troops, say what you will about Vince, but he is really committed to showing support for those who fought for our freedom.
Kane vs Big Show
Kane comes down the ramp first and I am already envisioning this not exactly being a catch as catch can masterpiece. I can now officially add “no DQ matches” to my “steel cage theory of matches” that can be great ways to end feuds if booked correctly but can be utterly pointless off of 1 hour of buildup. I really don’t see the logic in this match. We are treated to back and forth offense and now we are outside. Kane takes a nasty jaw spot on the outside and soon enough Kane crotches Big Show across the barricade, these guys are sure using this No DQ clause to the fullest, I wonder if this match is also a No Countout. Big Show recovers with a super kick and the announcers let us know that you can’t beat a giant even though Cena did at No Way Out. We finally have first reason to have a No DQ match, a chair is in the ring. Kane makes his way to the top rope and leaps for the clothesline and misses; Kane grabs chair and Show spears Kane while Kane is holding the chair. Big Show looks to tweak his shoulder and we get a choke slam and we are done with a 1-2-3 and Big Show wins a terrible No DQ match. I wouldnt be surprised if that match was called to end early. They really had a No DQ match just to have one spot where a chair is used.
GM Baggy Suits and Eve Torres backstage segment
Teddy Long places a “Hi my name is Eve” sticker on Eve, I would of aimed for the chest and missed but that’s just me. Eve walks up to and looks huge (double meaning there) in comparison to AJ. i will now pause to wonder how “all of that would work” Eve tells AJ to leave the mind games to the grown ups and just to go run along and cry. AJ mentions how Eve will do anything for attention, wait really anything?!? AJ also noted how Eve tried butter up John Laurinaitis and that did work but tonight AJ will show Eve how to get attention, she will show Eve, she will show us all. **cue horror movie music**
RAW Retro Moment
They cut back to when Degeneration X invaded WCW Nitro back in 1998. Alberto Del Rio of all people gives him opinion on this moment as when this was the moment he started to watch WWE in Mexico, so the whole time you were in a Lucha Libre and you didn’t start WWE until 1998? Methinks not.
Tyson Kidd vs Lord, but not Lord anymore, Tensai
As we come back from commercial we get Kidd in the ring and Tensai is now coming down the aisle. Only bright side that I can get out of this is that this will be Tensai’s best match; Tensai gets Kidd in the corner and Kidd rolls up Tensai quick in about 20 seconds and grabs a quick win. Tensai went from dominating Cena and Punk to getting rolled up in 20 seconds to Kidd, the crowd could care less about Tensai, they have no reason too. Sakamoto must of thrown the wrong salt in the beginning because Tensai beats him senseless. I WANTED SEA SALT DAMMIT!! I noticed that Sakamoto had wrestling boots on, do many managers wear wrestling boots? I didn’t think so
Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho backstage
Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho are backstage talking about who has the stupider ring jacket, these two make it work and Jericho asks if his jacket is “maroon?” and also took a shot at Bryan’s beard. This was really good stuff as Bryan starts yelling “Yes, Yes, Yes” and Jericho doesn’t want Bryan to say that “ever, ever, again!!” Notice how both of these guys lost at Wrestlemania and are still very active in the main event picture, there is beauty in losing the right way. This was a great segment filled with good jokes
John Cena and CM Punk backstage
Punk wants to be the leader out there tonight and feels he has progressed into a natural leader as Cena reluctantly agrees. This should be the genesis of their Summerslam feud. Two alpha dogs to see who is the #1 guy. Novel concept, try it more guys eh?
Did I know that RAW debuted 13 years before Facebook was invented, I didn’t but I sure feel old again, damn you did you know
Tyson Kidd backstage interview, sort of
Tyson Kidd says that he feels on top of the world after winning, in storms Tensai to beat him down and shove the back of Kidd’s head into the locker with a really stiff looking shot. Let’s hope this isn’t a way to get Kidd off of MITB because I’m confident he can steal this match. He is that good, if you don’t believe me, order the PPV
Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan vs John Cena and CM Punk
CM Punk has been champion for 225 days and is now one week away from passing HBK’s 1995 title reign. I love the fact that they mention this because it makes being the champion a lot more relevant that it has been over the years. Punk and Bryan start it off which is never a bad way to start a match. They exchange quick and efficient moves ranging from deep arm drags and chops at a tremendous pace that has been the standard they have set. Cena gets tagged in to a mixed reaction as Jericho enters the ring as well, Jericho points to the Money in the Bank briefcase which is smart and subtle so that both guys know what they are fighting for. Typical offense with a Cena shoulder block and throws Jericho off the ring apron and it looked as if Jericho mistimed the landing into the security railing as we go to commercial. We are back with Jericho controlling Cena in the match with enticing Cena to attempt to tag in Punk only to catch a kick to the facial region. Jericho gets a 2 as we come back from break. Jericho sets up for the Lionsault and misses. Bryan is tagged in and hits a few “Yes!!” kicks in the corner and tags in Jericho and Cena and Jericho botch an exchange of moves and Jericho locks in a front facelock to refocus the match. Cena gains control and goes for Attitude Adjustment and Jericho is able to slide out and gets off a DDT, but only gets a 2 count..John Cena is looking for the “hot tag” and hits it after building the value in the tag, but it’s not just a tag it is a LEAPING tag to Punk. Punk comes in as a (gorillamonsoon) a house of fire (/gorillamonsoon) with a flying forearm and neck breaker combo only to be followed up with a fast power slam. Punk locks Bryan in the Anaconda Vice only to be broken up by Jericho as he kicks Punk in head. Cena and Jericho fight up ramp, no need to worry about the match, that’s irrelevant guys. Now its a one on one match between Punk and Bryan and Bryan kicks pun in the head and loads up for another kick to head; Bryan goes for the pin and gets a 2 count and he is shocked Bryan goes up top and Punk blocks him and get some chops in only to be completed with the MONGOLIAN CHOP OF FEVERISH OOWIE! Punk then hits a huge top rope superplex which the crowd really enjoyed, these guys are on top of their game with a bright future.
AJ’s music hits and I can’t imagine ever being more upset to see AJ because that means this match which was shaping up nicely will be coming to an end, yet shes sexy as all can be. AJ starts to skip around the ring trying to get Punk or Bryan’s attention and neither are paying her any attention. Both men hit a double cross body and they are both slow to get up, AJ is upset no that one is paying her attention so she brings out a table from underneath the ring and finally I can say it “AJ IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WOOD!!”. AJ begins to climb up the ring steps very slowly and methodically threatens to jump off top rope onto the table; Punk is on the top rope and Bryan outside of the ring in an attempt to talk AJ out of jumping through the table. AJ then kisses Punk (Beth Phoenix, are you watching?) AJ shoves Punk off the apron and though the table along with Daniel Bryan who was on the outside. AJ celebrates on the 2nd rope with “YES” chants as we are done here
———————–
3 things I liked
AJ – She is on TV a lot but she is making the most on the time she is in front of the camera
Tyson Kidd getting a win – When this guy is having great matches with Punk and Bryan, remember I said it first
Jericho and Bryan’s backstage segment – Absolutely hilarious exchange between those two, must have more of this
3 things I didn’t like
Brodus Clay – Big Show destroys him last week on RAW and now he is perfectly healthy, it doesn’t make sense and oh yeah, the match was over so you didn’t have to cover him
Big Show and Kane in a No DQ match – The only cause for a DQ in the match was ONE chair spot, just could of had it as a regular match with the same result
Tensai – It just isn’t clicking with this guy. Repackage him and count your losses
