It’s election time in America, which means it’s time for us all to get serious. No more wasting time with stupid jokes or silly games, it’s time for things like college football to step aside. Our country needs a leader, and it only seems right that a collegiate football team be humble enough to forfeit the rest of its games and start running right here and now. Let’s look at the candidates.
Ohio State has everything you could possibly want in a presidential candidate: an ability to skirt the rules, the ability to bounce back from utter mediocrity, and the ability to suddenly have health problems and have to abruptly leave office if things start to get hairy.
If Nick Saban becomes president our armed forces gets the best crop of 5-star talent it’s ever seen and puts us in the national dominance discussion year-in and year-out, roll tide.
“What do you mean Waco is no longer a part of the United States? Who has the authority to make that decision?” “Mr. Briles, this order came directly from the desk of President Patterson.”
It’s time for the Spartans to show they’ve got what it takes to lead on their own. Too long they’ve been in “little brother” Michigan’s shadow. It’s time to rise up against that brother and fight for their own country to lead and…wait, we’ve seen this already before haven’t we?
Baylor as president is a real mixed bag. On the one hand we won’t be able to defend ourselves from anything, but we’ll just keep hitting the attacking countries harder and faster, so it’s a net positive.
Just imagine a liquored up Steve Sarkisian at a White House dinner.
It’s time our country gained someone with values as its leader, and Mark Richt can be that man. Plus the only way we’d over lose another war was if Steve Spurrier was the opposing general.
If you’re going to convince me that another school is more fit to run the country then God’s chosen Catholic university, you’re sorely mistake, and furthermore – oh, Alabama’s running too? Never mind.
Jimbo Fisher helped quarterbacks like JaMarcus Russell and Christian Ponder make millions in the NFL, so don’t tell me the man couldn’t at least make the country look good on paper.
Jim Mora would likely have the best security detail, as his strength coach could head up his secret service team, which would also assure protection for the head of the country from a counterstrike by Diddy.
If there’s one head coach that can rile up this country to show some patriotic support, it’s got to be Dabo Swinney.
Just imagine the approval ratings of a president who wears a new Nike suit for every public appearance.
Move the White House to Baton Rouge and handle all major decisions after dark and this could be the finest presidency we’ve ever had.
If there’s one thing this country needs, it’s options moving forward, and Paul Johnson will not hesitate to give you any three of them at once.
Ole Miss could run on a platform that revolves entirely around them averaging 70 points per game so far this season and still be the most successful president to hail from Mississippi.
Bob Stoops would bring excellence to the table every year, but as soon as a big debate would come along, he’d be doomed.
Before you think about passing on Kevin Sumlin, just remember that Michigan passed on him for Brady Hoke and consider your options a bit more carefully.
After 60 minutes of Gus Malzahn’s presidency he’d have passed over 100 bills, given about 40 speeches, and appeared before the House of Representatives three times.
BYU has had some real character flaws recently, but its newfound ability to pull off some miracle wins is a positive. However, being Mormon didn’t work for Mitt Romney, so I see no reason why it should work for the Cougars any better.
You can hold Rich Rod’s tenure at Michigan against him as proof he wouldn’t last on the biggest stage in America, or you could remember that Michigan had already lost to Appalachian State before then, and it was way further gone than America currently is.
The United States is facing a day and age where we may soon have to work against more powerful countries with better and more abundant resources, which is what Utah has been doing for its entire tenure in the PAC-12.
Gary Pinkel would lose three wars and still win the SEC East, somehow.
The question here isn’t “why Northwestern”, but rather, “who else from Illinois would be better”. The most likely candidate would be U of Illinois, but Tim Beckman opted to leave office abruptly right at the start of his term, rather than right at the end like Lincoln did.
Paul Chryst runs with Bret Bielema as his running mate, who comments on how Russia never fights any tough countries, then promptly loses a war to Bangladesh.
Not sure if we’d want a university that receives funding from an oil magnate making decisions about what we’re doing in the Middle East, but that’s not my call to make.