The Bachelorette starts tonight. This is a big deal. Why, you ask? Because if there’s one thing that we have learned in the social media age, it’s that baseball isn’t actually America’s pastime: judging people is. And no one is more ripe for judgment than a bunch of mid-twenty-somethings that are super handsome and weird enough to decide that, in spite of architecturally square jawlines and rippling pecs, they need a company owned by Disney to find them a girlfriend.
So, with that being said, I’ll be attempting to bring some of The Bach to No Coast Bias on a fairly weekly basis. Why take time out from our other jobs to comment on something so trivial?
Because this is the only dating show left that captures the nation. Look at your TV listings, people, Flavor Flav isn’t shuffling through that door anymore. Brett Michaels has hung his rhinestone cowboy hat — and definitely fake blonde wig– up and retired.
We need this.
So, let’s start with our first exercise in ranking the next dude to drop to a knee and propose after 3 dates. I hopped onto The Bach’s website today in an effort to prep what will likely be a hotly contested, vitriolic fantasy draft that should be coming after the first episode (*Author’s note: we’re going to treat the 1st night at the mansion as The Bach’s equivalent of The NFL Combine), and noticed 1 thing right away: the V-necks were out and popping.
And I don’t just mean your standard bro v-necks. I’m talking strong V-neck games from many of the dudes.
So, here’s the official No Coast Bias V-Neck shirt power rankings from all of the The Bach Bros.
Alex: Not V enough to make the cut. Disqualified. He has, like, 4 buttons buttoned on that shirt. What is this: a medical lab? If you wanna be the best, you gotta V the best, bro.
Ali: Coming at us with an aggressive V that swings out wide enough to show of a copious amount of man-cleavage. In fact, it may be out wide enough on his shoulders that it will slip off one of his arms, like the little kids in their too-big track jerseys when I was a child.
Brandon: Your job description is telling us “Hipster” but your loose, droopy V-neck is telling us: living off fresh produce grown at a local communal garden and food stamps. Strong V-Neck game that barely hides what I am 100% sure is a necklace with a guitar pick attached to the end.
Chad: Moderate V that was likely supposed to be looser, but this dude appears to be so jacked that he takes every shirt in the closet and instantly transforms them into Under Armour gear. If they get too tight in the arms, Chad needs to be careful that he doesn’t lose circulation and his smedium doesn’t cause a smedical emergency.
Chase: Rocking the river delta V-Neck that has a small body of flesh that hits the ocean and expands into brackish chest. Learned about those during Shark Week.
Christian: Has a side-angled V-neck that appears to be some kind of unknown version of Sanscrit.
Coley: DQ’d. His shirt looks so black against that 8th grade school photo background that I’m not sure he was wearing a shirt. They may have just used that paint bucket icon in MS paint and blackened his flesh right out.
Daniel: Damn Daniel. That’s a deep V. We’re talking some Jacques Cousteau shit. If any of you ladies out there are ready to motorboat Daniel, make sure you don’t come out of that V too fast or you’ll totally get The Bends.
Derek: Coming hard with the tent-flap V-neck action. Doesn’t he know that when you toss back the entrance to your tent like that you’re gonna get a whole bunch of mosquitoes? (*Author’s note: that was not intended to be an allegory for STDs. It just kind of happened. He’s probably totally clean.)
Evan: I’m sorry, I can’t stop staring at the fact that his job title says he’s an Erectile Dysfunction specialist. At least we know his shirt is V-rile. (*Author’s note: my apologies.)
Grant: DQ’d. What does he think this is, the seminary?
Jake: DQ. Sorry, landscape architect from Playa Vista. Your shirt and your profession all say “Gardener”.
James F.: DQ’d. Yippie Ki Yay, ki nope.
James S.: The struggle is teal. Thank you, I’ll be here all blog.
James Taylor: DQ’d. He’s seen fire and he’s seen rain. But no V-Necks that he thought really made his mustache pop.
Jonathan: No V-Neck. Disqualified. In fact, that shirt is buttoned up so tight, it makes me wonder what he’s hiding under there? When he inevitably Vees it out, does he have an alien head living in his chest like Kuato from Total Recall? That’s the only logical conclusion I can come up with.
Jordan: ***THIS IS AARON RODGERS’ BROTHER SO HIS V-NECK IS PRECISE, ACCURATE, AND IN NEED OF A RUN GAME.***
Luke: He’s got the classic silhouette of a deer skull V-neck going on, here. And it’s whiter and tighter than Petyon Manning during crunch time in the post-season. The good news is, he looks fully prepared for any wet t-shirt contests, should Chris Harrison invite him out to Senor Frogs after elimination.
Nick B.: Only a slight V neck game to speak of. A lower case V, if you will. If you’re putting some V on your neck, why not go totally ham? An over-abundance of chest hair? Like, he’s got Donald Trump’s toupee nestled snugly between his bosoms? I guess we’ll find out during the pool party in episode 2.
Nick S.: Tucked into the V of his neck, like a tiny, soft, baby swan is something so magnificent that I don’t care about any other other aspects of his shirt. Dude’s wearing an ascot. Unless you’re a character in Scooby Doo or the world’s biggest bro-bag, you don’t have the stones to even attempt an ascot. It must be his ascot ’cause it ain’t his face.
Peter: DQ’d. Not Vee-y enough. Come back and see me when your shirt looks like the cover of Maroon Five’s latest album, bruh.
Robby: That’s a pretty legit V going on there. And the coral color reminds me that he’s only the 18th dude in this preview that’s from Florida. Who says there’s only retirees down in Jacksonville? (*Author’s note: I do, actually)
Sal: Disqualified. Also from Florida.
Vinny: Sporting a fantastic V-neck to funnel finish that basically turns his neck into an upside down beaker from a child’s chemistry set. Very strong.
Wells: Disqualified. However, he does have a name that sounds like the drink specials that most bars have on Wednesday nights and his shirt has buttons on it that make him look like a cub scout.
Will: Way too moderate of a V-Neck for my tastes. So I spiced it up for him. You’re welcome, dude that will definitely be eliminated the first night.
Here you go, Will. Now Gordon Bombay would be proud, at least, to see The Flying V.