Top Ten Ways to Help the Royals Win Again

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My poor Kansas City Royals.

They are in historically bad slump – which as any Royals fan in the last 25+ years will tell you, is really saying something. They have lost eight in a row, and 19 of their last 23. After spending most of April in first place, they are now in last. In short, something needs to change.

Sure, they could fire Ned Yost, one of their two hitting coaches for a team with several starters hitting below .250 with absolutely no power, or they could replace those lousy batters with a bunch of guys from the minor leagues. Any of those things might work. Or they might not. Given that we’re talking about the Royals, rational changes will probably just make things worse.

The Royals need to think outside the box. Unconventional. Drastic measures.

Fortunately, I know how the Royals can win again. And no, I’m not referring to a “slumpbuster” as infamously described by Mark Grace. Here are ten ways to help get the Royals back on a winning track:

10. Through use of wigs, fake mustaches, costumes, and fat suits, Alex Gordon bats twice an inning.

Not really relevant, but I love this picture.

9. Royal batters only need three balls to walk, but get four strikes.

8. Opposing team must chug a Boulevard beer at every base.

7. Cork. Lots of it. In the bats, the baseballs, the opponents gloves, in the hotdogs. Anywhere. Everywhere.

6. Manager Ned Yost is replaced with a Magic 8 Ball.

Do the Royals have a hope of winning again?
Do the Royals have a hope of winning again?

5. The fences are moved in 20 feet whenever KC bats. No wait, make that 40 feet.

4. Mascot Sluggerrr arranges lap dances for player who gets game winning hit. (I shouldn’t have to mention this, but obviously that link is considered NSFW).

3. Don Denkinger comes out of retirement to umpire Royals games (especially the interleague series with the St. Louis Cardinals).

Close enough.

2. Longtime play-by-play man Denny Matthews broadcasts in the nude until the Royals win.

1. Kansas City reschedules a 7:10 pm game for 7:10 am, and “accidentally” forgets to tell the other team.

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