We kick off the show with a recap of last week’s actions between AJ, Daniel Bryan, and CM Punk in the main event of RAW. A very well done package which we should come to expect from the video production crew, as they highlight AJ’s actions on Smackdown and also RAW still leave us with more questions then answers as far as her motives go.
We are live from the Pepsi Center in Denver for the 998th Monday Night RAW!
We closed last week’s Monday Night Raw with AJ as the lasting image we see and we also open the 998th Monday Night Raw with AJ. The crowd begins to chant “yes yes yes” and AJ is in the ring soaking up all the attention. Can we take a minute to marvel at where AJ has came in the last year, from the depths of being in a Divas Tag Team with Kaitlyn (hey boo!), if you think WWE doesn’t give much to the Male Tag Team division imagine the amount of attention the Female Tag Team Division gets. I am all for all of the attention that AJ is getting but I can’t help wonder where this tremendously thin talent roster would be if they invested this much time in two “on the cusp” stars in my eyes like Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston. AJ lets us know that thought of her in this match has been very overwhelming and emotional for her. Cue CM Punk’s music and we get the champ for the first time tonight, I guess it’s not clobbering time yet, I really thought it was going to be clobbering time, I presume that will be later then. Punk wonders what all of this is about; AJ lets Punk know that her sentiment means a lot to her but she is not crazy and is in full control of her mental facilities. The crowd starts a great chant that I hope catches on of; “AJ’s crazy” as AJ lets Punk know that no one has ever cared about her let alone show compassion for her and when she kissed Punk she did what she had to do. As of right now this promo seems like a runaway train that desperately needs Punk to take control of this and right the ship. AJ then takes a few steps back and gets down onto, one knee and looks up at Punk. I am going to try not to take this the adult way, but all I can do is here Mark Madden in the background, if he was doing commentary, yelling “the other knee too!!!!’ AJ asks Punk to marry her, well I guess wrong on where I thought that exchange was going, oh well. Crowd is feverishly chanting YES YES YES!! Daniel Bryan runs down to the ring yelling “No No No!!” Bryan thinks AJ is going to make the biggest mistake of his life, Bryan says Punk doesn’t love AJ and that Punk is just playing AJ for the victory of in the main event match. Bryan has never stopped having feelings for AJ and Punk only cares about Punk. Bryan admits he doesn’t know how Punk feels about AJ so he calls him out to answer AJ’s proposal. Bryan now has a proposal of his own and now asks AJ to marry him, Punk says Bryan is full of it and calls Bryan out for not having a ring if he was really serious.
The Iphone sound of happiness goes off and the lights flicker, either Kane has new entrance music or it’s the Anonymous Raw General Manager!?!? Jerry Lawler doesn’t want to believe it is true, well dingbat did you see the podium right next to you or did the cover over it really make you believe there was nothing there. Logic ya’ll. The GM of the night is the Anonymous Raw GM and he/she makes a match of CM Punk and AJ v Daniel Bryan and Eve. The Raw GM wishes everyone good luck, did he type that? AJ is now happy that all three of them have a match and she is sure that she will walk out with her future husband either way, glances over at both men, and then skips out of the ring as both Punk and Bryan look confused.
Tonight we are treated to Chris Jericho and Big Show vs Kane and John Cena. That’s strange, weren’t Cena and Kane embroiled in a huge feud earlier this year and now they are tag team partners with no explanation and no build up. Anyone else have a headache?
Sheamus vs Jack Swagger
This doesn’t look good for Swagger when you are in the ring with no music. Sheamus came down the ramp next to a solid pop and here we go. Sheamus hits white noise before I can count to 30, Brogue Kick and uno 2 three with a win for Sheamus. That was fast, I’m sure it was designed to regain strength for Sheamus after Del Rio attacked him on Smackdown. Speaking of Del Rio, he is backstage in a car and says he has already done more damage on Sheamus then anyone has and how he is going to do what no one has done which is beat Sheamus at Money in the Bank. All in all I liked this promo by Del Rio, they are steering him away from that goofy “destiny” talk and you actually believe Del Rio has a shot to win. Apparently Sheamus believes it because he hit Swagger with a Brogue Kick one more time. Boomer Sooner.
Santino Marella and Zack Ryder backstage
Ryder believes that he will be a better GM then a lame computer; I actually agree with this by the way the night is playing out. Santino Marella pulls out his Sherlock Holmes detective kit of terrible comedy and is off to find who the RAW GM is. Does the magnifying glass help him find the GM? This show sucks.
The Rock will be live at the 1000th Monday Night Raw. Great, after watching this show so far he can just stand in the ring and it will be more exciting.
Tyson Kidd and Christian vs Dolph Ziggler and Tensai
The kiss of death hits both teams as they are not introduced but just shown in the ring after commercial. Kidd and Ziggler got about a minute of action then Christian got the lukewarm tag and gets destroyed by Tensai for the win. Anyone want to know how to make 4 guys look weak before a PPV, this would be how. Tensai then attacks Kidd on the outside, gives him a terrible looking powerbomb on the edge of the ring and a flying jump and land on your back splash. Well at least Sakamoto didn’t get hurt; he must have thrown the right salt this time. Vickie appears interested in Tensai and who wouldn’t love a guy with Chinese letters on his face that screams for no reason, other then the WWE fans. This again was pointless and a waste of 5 minutes which is something I would never have thought a match with Kidd, Ziggler, and Christian could accomplish.
At the announce table Cole and Lawler bicker back and forth about the Raw GM until Cole slaps water onto Lawler. “Oh no you didn’t girlfriend?!?!” The Raw GM, ever the piece keeper, sends a message and Cole goes to read it, maybe it was a message from Jim Ross saying “your commentary sucks” but it made Cole real upset to the point that Lawler had to read it. The Raw GM booked a match with Cole and Lawler tonight if the WWE fans want to see it, never mind the fact that he is reading this message from a piece of paper, not the computer. Logic ya’ll. The whole crowd went nuts for the idea that Lawler and Cole are going to wrestle tonight. I lost count on how many times I voted “No” for this match.
It just dawned on me that I am missing Chrissy Teigen and Jennie Finch play in the MLB Softball game on ESPN for this episode of RAW, I am now more upset then ever.
Did I know that if I watched every episode of RAW straight it would take me 5 and ½ days; yes I knew that, you told me 2 weeks ago.
Brodus Clay vs Drew McIntyre
Drew McIntyre is sitting down. That’s all. According to Michael Cole when the bell rings Clay turns from dancing dinosaur to destruction machine. No Michael, he doesn’t. I know a way to get Clay off his feet Drew!! Stay away from attacking his injured leg, climb to the top rope, and….. McIntyre more so leaps into Clay and gets a head butt for his effort. Splash spot and this time Clay it is appropriate to go for the cover, he does and we are finally over.
Santino and Jericho run into each other backstage and question each other about the Raw GM, because people still care about this. Marella exits and Big Show joins us. Jericho hypes up Big Show by telling him they were a part of one of the most devastating tag teams in history. Show disagrees and says that those were some of the most embarrassing moments of his career. What about when Cody Rhodes played all of Show’s embarrassing moments from Wrestlemania? Big Show warns Jericho to stay out of his way so he doest get knocked out. That was courteous of Show.
We flash back to 2002 when Stephanie and HHH were going to renew their vows because Steph was pregnant but SWERVE it was all a sham. This turned HHH face, if nobody remembers his face turn and it is because it was terrible which led to him turning heel later.
Charlie Sheen will be the social ambassador for the 1000th Monday Night RAW. This can either go really great or really bad.
John Cena is out first and wishes a fan happy birthday. What a nice guy. Truthfully I am honestly more excited to get my hands on the next Frank Ocean CD than this match. Cena knows what we all know; does he know tonight’s show has been terrible? Nope. He does know how Money inthe Bank is a painful match with great reward. How does he know, he has never been in one. They don’t care about submissions or pinfalls but winning that contract. Awesome, he knows the rules. The winner has always gone on to win the title with the slight exception of Mr Kennedy. Money in the Bank changes the landscape of WWE, I agree with this. Sunday Cena says he is going to do two things….what are those things you ask?!? Thing #1, also known as the first thing; Big Show will finally be stopped!! John, you have already stopped him before at a PPV remember. Logic ya’ll. Thing #2 Cena will do whatever to whomever in order to win Money in the Bank!
Kane comes out first, so we still get no mention of when Kane tried to Cena to “embrace the hate”? Don’t worry the feud was so forgettable WWE. Jericho out next to his usual pop and Big Show with beanie intact comes down fourth.
John Cena and Kane vs Chris Jericho and Big Show
Jericho starts out against Cena, if this match goes longer then five minutes it will be the longest match of the night so far. That seems like a good topic for a “Did you know” in the future. Cole is still trying to weasel his way out of tonight’s match by saying that “the
WWE universe has seen this match at Wrestlemania and they’re not going to want to see it again”. Truer words have rarely been spoken by Michael Cole. Cena win the usual bulldog spot and Jericho eventually tags in Show, it is crazy to remember when these two (Show and Cena) faced off at the forgotten Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania 20. Show goes for choke slam and Cena wiggles his way out and tags Kane in. They sure “embraced the tag” there, couldn’t resist. Cena seems to be rethinking is what he is going to do with the Big Show at Money in the Bank. Kane and Jericho are in now and Kane tags Jericho with a few really nice right hands to the throatish or faceish region, not entirely sure where. Cena is in and we get Cena with a fisherman’s suplex on Jericho eventually Jericho gains the upper hand as Big Show and Jericho tag together to work on Cena and we go to commercial.
We are back as Show quiets the crowd and hits Cena with a rough chop in the corner. Certainly Cena being Cena he regains strength a goes to slam the Big Show, not wise there John, and Big Show collapses on Cena. Big Show goes for cover and gets 2, and then puts Cena is in a bear hug Cena being Cena he is able to fight out and drops Big Show with a side suplex. Let me see if I comprehend that; Cena couldn’t hit Show with a power slam after a getting chopped in the chest, BUT he can hit him with a side suplex after spending a few minutes in a bear hug. Logic ya’ll. Kane gets the “Castrol Motor oil Marty Janetty hot tag of the night” and gets a strong face pop. I wonder if he will “embrace the face pop?” Probably not, next week he will be a monster heel and we will all be confused. Spear from Big Show to Kane and we get a 2, way to value such a “devastating move” by throwing it in randomly to a match and only getting a 2 count. We go to our second commercial break with Jericho dominating Kane.
We are back with Jericho still dominating Kane and me still searching for this new Frank Ocean CD, this Pepsi Center crowd ready for the Janetty hot tag from Kane to Cena “EMBRACE THE TAG!!” Kane hits a side slam and here comes to hot tag. Cena (gorillamonsoon) is a house of fire (/gorillamonsoon). Cena sets up for 5 knuckle shuffle on Jericho and we know what is coming…it is the Attitude Adjustment for Jericho. Cena goes for the pin and Big Show pulls him out of the ring. Bell rings and we have a DQ. Que la fuck? How is that a dq?!?!? Is Vince McMahon somewhere demanding someone ring the damn bell? Big Show hits a strong clothesline to Kane on the outside and Big Show looks under the ring and finds a ladder. You ever wonder if the ring crew gets pissed when the wrestlers take their ladders and destroy them. Little questions. Big Show runs over Jericho and Kane with ladders and then Show sandwiches Jericho in between the ladders until Super Cena enters the ring with an equalizer, you guessed it; a ladder, Cena hits Big Show on the shoulder with a ladder and Show goes over the top rope. That is how you neutralize Show, the old ladder to the shoulder trick. This match felt like a end of an already terrible Raw, not the transition between hours.
Did I know that Raw has more episodes then Cheers, Friends, and Seinfeld combined? Sure didn’t but I do now, and I also still don’t care. Amount of episodes doesn’t equate to always good television.
Backstage with Eve and CM Punk
CM Punk is warming up for his match later tonight and Eve come in to wish Punk good luck with AJ, Punk, always being the gentleman, wishes Eve good luck getting all the spray tan that she wears off. Someone had to pick up the slack since the Miz left. Eve says AJ is very emotional right now and if she doesn’t hear the words “I do” that AJ will cost punk the title. Eve says that even though Punk has had the title for the 7 months, it can’t be easy being overshadowed by superstars like The Rock, HHH, Brock Lesnar, John Cena, and The Big Show, but to be overshadowed by AJ must be very emasculating. Cold blooded, Eve Marie Torres, cold blooded indeed.
Backstage Santino Marella is still searching to the Raw GM. I completely forgot he was the US Champ. I’m sure I am not alone in this.
Money in the Bank qualifying match
Let me get this straight, a guy in Red Sin Cara who got squashed by Del Rio last week is competing against a guy in Health Slater that has been squashed by Vader, Sid, and DDP lately for the last spot in a ladder match at a PPV where the winner gets a title shot? Makes sense.
During the pre show to Money in the Bank we will get the tag tea champions Kofi and R Truth to go against Hunico and Camacho. How did these two get a shot at Kofi and R Truth you may ask? Good, keep asking I have no idea.
Red Sin Cara vs Health Slater
Sin Cara on the outside and does a pele kick sort of move and then hits the one man tackling dummy with a cross body. Only one botched spot by Sin Cara, progress people. Sin Cara hits his flying tilt a whirl arm smasher of boo yah move and 1 2 3, down goes the rock band.
I’m excited to see Sin Cara in this match soley for the wild spots he can do. I’m sure he will basically be a prop for Tensai to look dominant in crushing. Try not to blow your knee up this time Sin Cara.
Can we break up Slater’s one man band? Slater wants to face any former WWE title holder in the back. Hey Heath, you can’t even beat active non title holders, why would an ex champ waste their time. Out comes Bob Backlund, and nobody cared. Backlund looks in good shape as he just crossed into his 60s and I would be willing to bet Backlund could have a 30 minute match if needed. Slater knocks Backlund down, and Backlund gets up locks in the cross face chicken wing, painful to watch but cool for nostalgias sake. I remember as a youth thinking Backlund was crazy, he did a great job breathing new life into his career but the harsh truth was not many fans cared.
Michael Cole addresses the WWE poll which is 75% yes and 25%. No f’n way that 75% of people want to see Michael Cole announcing for television for WWE let alone wrestle.
Michael Cole vs Jerry Lawler
Cole ducks out of the ring and Booker throws Cole back in the ring. Cole doesn’t want to fight Jerry, don’t worry Cole; we don’t want you to either. Lawler puts Cole in an airplane spin, 1 2 3. Graciously that is over.
IPHONE NOISE OF SEVERE CONSEQUENCES!! Raw gm chimes in; hopefully this time he uses the actual email as opposed to a piece of paper. Raw GM says due to blatant interference by Booker T that Michael Cole wins. I just downloaded the new Frank Ocean cd too.
Out comes the US Champion and token Sherlock Holmes Santino Marella, he has looked everywhere for the Raw GM and cant find him. Josh Matthews reads something off paper which says that the Raw GM isn’t under the ring and would you know it, that inspires Marella for the one place he didn’t look…under the ring of course!
It is Hornswoggle, so this whole time Hornswoggle was the Raw GM with the “Iphone noise of extreme fear” making all these matches. Wow, words can not describe how upset at this. Hornswoggle kicks Lawler, bites Marella in the buttocks, and kicks Cole in the shin. This is terrible. Booker T questions if he we just saw that I am not sure if he says that as a fan of wrestling or as a commentator.
AJ and CM Punk vs Eve and Daniel Bryan
Tough to be in a good mood for this even though it has two of my favorite wrestlers and to of the, in my eyes, best looking divas in RAW. Punk and Bryan exchange blows and Punk controls with suplex but Bryan counters with yes kicks. AJ shockingly tags herself in and Punk doesn’t look to happy about it. Eve vs AJ, Eve kicks AJ in the gut, they run the ropes and Eve gets AJ in corner they have a few poorly timed spots and Eve regains order with a front face lock to AJ. Eve goes to tag Bryan and Bryan falls off the apron which leaves Eve by herself and confused. AJ rolls up Eve for the win.
Daniel Bryan gets on the microphone and says that he just proved that AJ means more then any match and they should leave and get married. Punk says he wont use or lie to her to win the WWE title and Daniel Bryan only wants to marry her because he thinks she can help him win the title, Punk doesn’t care if what he says costs him the WWE title, Punk says he will not marry AJ and at least he cares enough to tell AJ the truth. AJ teases a breakdown as the crowd chants Punk name, AJ walks up to Punk and slaps him hard in the face, she teases going with Bryan and rears back and slaps Bryan hard in the face as well. We end Raw the same way we did last week with AJ yelling “Yes” along with the crowd.
See you guys at Money in the Bank.
No way around this, this was a terrible edition of Monday Night Raw with no flow and I don’t think one angle or match made any sense in the long run. I am as much of a CM Punk as the next fan but how he went from dropping pipe bombs to being slapped by AJ is confusing. The only upside is that AJ is doing what any valuable asset to a feud should leave us with; more questions than answers in regards to her motives.
Money in the Bank is shaping up rather weird but I am looking forward to the Punk and Bryan again and the Smackdown Money in the Bank matc. I fail to see how they can screw up a ladder match with those combatants but after this edition of Raw nothing will surprise me.