DAH DADADA DADADA DAH DAH. The quest for the Shiva continues. That’s right ladies and gentleman The League is back! Season 4 premiered last night with a bang. In a half hour episode that included Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones, Felix Jones, Jason Witten and the wise absence of Dez Bryant, a girl on girl make out session, live birth and an OB/GYN weighing in on taking Adrian Peterson prior to the third round I felt the need to try and make sense of it all. Therefore, we at No Coast Bias have come up with The League Rating. Much like Whose Line is it Anyway? The categories are made up and the points don’t matter.
Season 4 opens with Kevin revealing that in order to keep his championship title he has renounced his Commissioner status to none other than Ruxin. Taco comes in with his latest idea, a singing cowboy company that delivers bad news. He unknowingly bought the DallasCowboys.com domain name which transitions into a business meeting with Jerry Jones in order to buy the name back.
The guys fly out to Cowboys training camp where Pete, who has dubbed himself Custodian of League Records, has enlisted the help of Felix Jones and Jason Witten to determine who will get the first pick of the draft. In an on-field obstacle of hurdling lineman and being clotheslined by said lineman, Taco ends up winning, jogging into the end zone inexplicably in the nude.
The guys return to find Jenny, whose water has broke in her car after a fantasy that includes Jason Witten and making out with the hot Shiva. Just when it looks like Jenny and Kevin will miss the draft after 14 hours of labor, the rest of the crew shows up in the delivery room to conduct the draft. In a bizarre, yet expected twist, Taco uses his first pick to trade Ruxin for baby naming rights, a clause of Kevin keeping his championship title that was conveniently unbeknownst to Jenny. In the end, baby Chalupa Batman MacArthur is born.
Now for the NCB Rating System:
Categories for points this episode:
(+)Every time Ruxin is called a different name, including his real name Rodney
- +7 points. Three times Ruxin was called Rodney by Felix Jones. Because it’s Felix Jones, points are doubled.
(+)Every time Taco gets a new job
- +10 points. Not only did Taco come up with a new Cowboy company, he got $250,000 from Jerry Jones for the DallasCowboys.com domain.
(+)Every time Jenny acts like a dude
- +26 points. Jenny told Kevin to go to training camp even though she couldn’t for fear of Ruxin’s wrath. She also spewed fantasy advice during labor and told the doctor she wanted to make her first pick for the draft herself. Oh yeah, and she made out with Shiva. In a fantasy, but it was girl on girl nonetheless.
(-)Every time Andre refers to himself as something stupid
- 0 points. Andre didn’t actually call himself anything this episode.
(-)Every time someone is naked
- -1.5 points. Pictures of Kevin running errands naked from college surfaced so that earns half a point. Taco was also full on nude as he crossed the line into the end zone at training camp winning the race for first pick of the draft.
(-)Every time Andre Tebows? Will this continue rest of the season?
- -1 Andre Tebowed exactly once. No word on if he will continue to do so.
(-)Every time Kevin asks Jenny for Fantasy advice in compromising situations
- -1 point. Only one this time because yes, Kevin brought up the question of drafting AP before the third round while Jenny was in labor, but it was really to take her mind off the contractions. What a great hubby right?
(-)Every Ruxin pun
- -1 point. Only one jumps out and it was as Jenny’s water broke after they caught her ‘fantasizing’: “Flickin that bean like Mean Joe Green.” Upon further evaluation, that deserves a -5.
(-)Every time Andre tries to use a ‘cool phrase’
- -5 points as well. Andre used, “Talk to the hand, cuz the face don’t understand” complete with hand movement. It also immediately followed a Tebow.
- 0. Somehow Ellie remained absent from this episode despite her baby brother being born.
Guest appearances, points according to number and quality of guest appearances.
They were plentiful this episode:
- +1 Jerry Jones
- +1 Felix Jones
- 0 Jason Witten- think this was the last time Jerry Jones and Witten were in the same room together.
- -1 for a hatted figure that posed as Tony Romo but wasn’t actually. C’mon man.
Every time draft is held in a hospital delivery room
- +10 points. Epic.
Hot Shiva appearances
- +15 because she made out with Jenny.
Overall rating for the season premiere: 148.6
Similar to the QB rating we aren’t pretending this number actually makes sense. But to add some rhyme or reason to this, I will say this number is equivalent to this season’s Alex Smith, who seems to be the new Aaron Rodgers. Ironic? Absolutely.
Tune in next week for another League Rating.