The is the brief description of the movie Along Came Polly, one of the most underrated movies ever, IMO. But the premise got me thinking of how similar Ben Stiller’s character Reuben Feffer ”Analysisist” is to the entity that is the BCS. He has this chick, Debra Messing who he has been with long enough to marry (our current Bowl system). Then he comes to realize it isn’t going to work out (because she cheated on him with Apu from The Simpsons, but there is no sports parallel for that).
So then along comes Polly (Jennifer Aniston), this eclectic sexy thing. A girl Reuben has known for a long time, but has never pursued (uh playoffs anyone)? So now Reuben must decide between Lisa (Messing) and Polly (Aniston) and being the insurance analyst he is, he throws them both into a computer to decide which is better, when every man on the planet knows that Jennifer Aniston is the better choice all day every day, and twice on Saturday. But the world needs the Messings too.
She wins.
My proposal has always been to keep the same four bowls that everyone loves (Rose, Orange, Sugar, Fiesta) and have that be the first round of an eight-team playoff. Then keep all the old bowl games. It’s still football, people are going to watch. We get Messings that college football needs to keep interested all holiday season long AND Aniston, the playoffs we all want. Along Came Polly, and Lisa!
But we have this stupid Reuben Feffer entity that uses his own opinions, based on looks, along with a computer system to tell us that one team is better than another, and it just doesn’t translate. Because of these parallels, we’ll be using quotes for Along Came Polly in this week’s Sad Seven.
7. The BCS - “I’ve been living my life, okay? Which is a lot more then I can say for some freak, who thinks he’s gonna get the Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts.” -Polly Prince to Reuben (or what every other sport in the world says to the BCS).
Oregon beats a one-loss Arizona State team by only 22 and they drop a spot. Never mind that Oregon was up 43-7 at half and could have won 103-21. Never mind that the same story is true with their game against Washington (35-7 at half), Fresno State (up 35-6 at half) and Arkansas State (up 50-10 at half). They are being punished for showing mercy because a computer reads a score.
The BCS would have you believe that Wisconsin is better than Nebraska, that Ohio (not State) is better than TCU, that Rutgers is better than Clemson. I’ve seen these teams play and I don’t need a computer to tell me what is true.
6. Kentucky (1-7) - “Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarrassed and just physically sick then I have in my entire life.” Reuben to Polly, or Kentucky fans to head coach Joker Phillips.
Do I take a small amount of joy in ripping on the SEC. Yes I do. Do I think it’s ironic that this team’s Head Coach is named Joker? Yes I do. Their schedule gets a lot easier from here out, though.
5. Auburn (1-6) – “I know that I have a .013% chance of being hit by a car on my way home. Or a one in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate. So I try to manage that risk by avoiding danger and having a plan and knowing what my next move is.” Reuben Feffer.
Just two years removed from a BCS “national championship” Head Coach Gene Chizik has a .013% chance of keeping his job and is doing a poor job of managing risk on the homefront. Do I think that’s fair? No, but I don’t get to make that decision. Auburn really hasn’t been blown out of many games, but for Auburn fans, going from unbeaten to one win is like eating Thai food with irritable bowel syndrome.
4. Colorado (1-6) – “Luban! Look me in my eyeball. I treat her like my own flesh and blood.” -Claude the Scuba instructor, to Reuben about his wife, right before Claude sleeps with Lisa, betraying Reuben.
Colorado sucks. There is no question. In their last four losses they have been outscored 212-51. But they aren’t getting help from the backstabbing antics of fellow Pac-12 head coach Lane Kiffin. According to an article by the LA Times, Kiffin’s Trojans had their backup QB, No. 6 Cody Kessler, switch jerseys with a player wearing No. 35. This was a concentrated effort to deceive Colorado so they wouldn’t know the kid running the two-point conversion, (when they were already leading 19-0 in the first quarter), was actually a quarterback. USC AD Pat Haden says Kiffin is playing by the rules, the NCAA rules suggest otherwise.
Either way it’s a childish Bush League move by a coach with a reputation of weaseling his way into and out of the Oakland Raiders and Tennessee Volunteers organizations.
3. Tulane (1-6) - ”Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, “Cool beans. I am a heeppo.” No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, “Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it.” – Claude explaining life to Reuben.
Yeah, Tulane’s season is sort of like that.
2. Southern Miss (0-7) – “So whose party is this again?” Reuben after being dragged to an art show.
After nearly beating Louisville and UCF in the last couple games, Southern Miss hosted a 2-4 Marshall team and got smoked 59-24. Generous party hosts.
1. UMASS (0-7) – “I’m just going to do a bit of a base jump.” - Leland Van Lew, extreme adventurer.
Base jump is probably a great analogy for the Minutemen’s jump to the FBS. Seven games in and they are already not bowl eligible, and the team is in freefall. They get outscored 40-12 on average and at this point are just hoping to not have to wait until 2013 to get their first FBS win.
