I’m sure that, at this point, you probably know your way around March Madness pretty good. It’s been so hyped, and justifiably so, that it’s pull is more inescapable than a giant star collapsing and black-holing in on itself in spectacularly terrifying fashion (*Author’s note: or as Lakers fans would call it: “Kobe Bryant.”). But this is a new age we’re living in, people, and I’m here to help you keep up with the lingo. 2016 is already shaping up to be one of the weirdest, most niche-y years in human history and so there’s a complete new lexicon that’s floating around with the “kids these days.”
Welcome, to your March Madness dictionary.
Definition: A basic bracket. Typically one in which the person choosing their winners does not pick any upsets and conforms entirely to the conventional wisdom regarding the tournament’s outcome.
Example: “Dude, you didn’t even pick a 12-5 upset and you have Kansas and North Carolina playing for the title? You’re such a basic B.”
Definition: A team with a very rich program history that appears to be trapped by a lower-seeded team, only to pull off a seemingly miraculous escape and sneak away with a victory.
- See also: the fashion icon that TNT sideline reporter, Craig Sager, is trying to emulate. (Pictured: above)
Example: “Stony Brook was up 8 with 3 minutes to go against Kentucky. How did they El Chapo their way out of that one?”
Definition: That one person you invited over to watch the games on Friday night who is way too excited. Like, in need of some adult Pampers and a ball gag but not in a dirty way excited. They just might scream themselves so hoarse that they sound like Bane from The Dark Night Rises or simultaneously lose all bowel control when they hear “Dun-dun-dun-duh-dun-duh-dun-dunnnnnnnn”
Example: “Who is that guy screaming like he’s doing voiceovers for an adult film every time Buffalo hits a jumper against Maryland? He’s a real Dickie V.”
- See also: A gender neutral way someone could describe getting their bracket busted. i.e. “That’s a real kick in the Dickie V.”
For Izzo My Bizzo
\ˈ fȯr isō mī bizō\
Definition: An exclamatory remark, typically utilized when a person justifiably reaps the rewards from picking Michigan State coach, Tom Izzo, to go a round further than his team actually should have gone. Because this happens literally every year.
Example: “The Spartans were good during the regular season, but they have somehow found another gear in the tourney. Just like I predicted. For Izzo My Bizzo!”
Definition: A made up term, utilized primarily by cash-cow networks, for dudes that are purely guessing at who will win the NCAA Tournament. Just like the rest of us.
Example: “Let’s bring in our bracketologist, ________, to discuss how he went 1-4 on guessing the Final Four teams last year and listen to him bloviate about how he still deserves his job.”
I Totally Called That One
\ˈī ˈtō-təl-ē kȯled thət wən\
Definition: A lie someone tells their friends when discussing an upset pick that no one saw coming and that said liar only picked for the sole purpose of using this obnoxious phrase when their asinine prediction came true.
Example: “George Mason to the Final Four back in 2006? Yeah, I totally called that one!”
Oh, hey. I Didn’t see you there. Just doing some reports.
\ˈō hā. Ī di-dənt sē yü ther jüst ˈdü-iŋ səm ri-ˈpȯrts\
Definition: A phrase used to stall your boss after he sneaks up on you at your cubicle, while you desperately try to close out of your March Madness Live Stream App on your phone.
Example: “(Hysterical, weird laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, hey. I didn’t see you there. Just doing some reports. Wow, you really snuck up on me. How long have you been there?”
Definition: Previously referred to as “traveling”, this phrase denotes when a bloated orange sphere is carried way too far along in the game, even though everyone can see that it shouldn’t still be there and it’s so flagrantly ridiculous that everyone is appalled.
Example: “I’m telling you, man. As soon as that guy gets across half court he’s carrying the ball. See: watch! He’s Trumping. That’s straight up Trumping. Why in the hell won’t anyone do anything?”
Definition: When someone at your party has had too much to drink and they keep tripping on everyone’s legs every time they get up from the couch during a commercial break.
Example: “Erica keeps kicking me every time she has to go grab another beer. She is so Graysoned.”
Definition: A super wild party that everyone will regret tomorrow, but feels totally worth it in the moment.
Example: “I can’t believe we’re going to the Sweet Sixteen! Let’s Pitino, son!”