Hey there follicle faces, welcome to Stone Cold Stubble, your WWE beard report for June 30, 2017. Last week, Seth Rollins murdered a man, Bray Wyatt was exposed as the world’s most pathetic Hogwarts dropout, and BRAAAAAUUUUUUN returned to action like a god damn action movie hero.
If you missed out on last week’s edition, Stone Cold Stubble is a place to discuss the ever-growing beard culture in toady’s WWE. We’ll always start off with a power ranking of that week’s top 10 bearded superstars, before moving on into more in-depth beard-talk. For example, under-performing beards. Under-rated beards. Historical beards. Beards that don’t exist yet but should. And so on.
At the moment, the parameters for what defines a “beard” boil down to “prominent facial hair where the sideburns, mustache and goatee all connect.” Stone Cold Stubble is only two weeks old, so there’s still a good chance those parameters will get expanded, in order to be more beard-inclusive (and to give me more material to work with rather than having to write about the same 10 schmucks every week.) But for now, that’s where we’re at. Beards are weirds.
NEW FEATURE ALERT: This week’s Stone Cold Stubble, as well as all subsequent editions, will contain recent pictures of each wrestler, linked to the first mention of their name. (General rule: If the text isn’t black, click on it!) That way, anyone out there who is a connoisseur of fine beards, but maybe doesn’t necessarily know the WWE product, can picture exactly what we’re talking about.
Anyway, shall we see what sort of bearded bearditude our bearded WWE Superstars got up to this week? As Sami Zayn would say, LET’S GO!
Power Rankings (6/30)
1) Braun Strowman (last week: 1)
Braun Strowman still isn’t finished with Roman Reigns, nor is he finished with ambulances, and life has never been better. Once again, those familiar sounds of an ambulance backing up rang through Monday Night Raw, and once again, Braun Strowman laid waste to his rival, this time bouncing Roman off the side of the aforementioned emergency response vehicle, before throwing him in the back where a person who just got their ass badly kicked belongs. Clearly, Braun has some connections in the volunteer EMT community. I just hope he’s going shell out some cash to fix the Roman Reigns-sized dent that ambulance now has. That is not going to buff out!
2) Enzo Amore (last week: unranked)
On last week’s edition of Raw, Enzo Amore cried real, human tears after learning Big Cass, his tag team partner and best friend, was responsible for the series of backstage beatings Enzo had incurred. Big Cass then kicked him in the side of the head. At the time, keeping Enzo off of the power rankings made perfect sense; he cried and got kicked in his head. I now realize how though how short-sighted that mindset was.
Enzo Amore is the only person in the world trying to keep real friendship alive right now, and we should be praising him for it. We should be putting “I am a Certified G” on the back of all our currency. We should be building a statue in his honor that is as bronze as he is.
Because, even after all that happened, what does Enzo Amore do this week? He pours his heart out to Big Cass, he owns up to his own mistakes, and he forgives the man who made him cry real, human tears before kicking him in the side of the head. Enzo wants to stay a team with his best friend, his brother, until the two of them reach the top, until they become WWE Tag Team Champions. And for that, Cass reunites with Enzo… before clotheslining his head off and throwing him down the entrance ramp like a 12-inch Italian combo. Enzo Amore believed in the goodness inherent and others, and he died for it. RIP Enzo. RIP friendship.
3) Jinder Mahal (last week: 2)
Jinder Mahal is the wisest man in all of WWE. Why the hell is management giving into everyone’s demands so easily? Why should Randy Orton be granted another shot at the WWE Title after he’s already lost it to Jinder and lost the subsequent rematch (mostly) fair and (mostly) square. And don’t tell me it’s because Orton said that if he doesn’t get a re-rematch he’s going to head backstage to “beat the holy hell” out of Jinder. That’s not a valid reason! That’s intent to assault, man. Assault is the type of thing you should go to prison for. Wait, didn’t Randy Orton commit arson a few months ago? Hey yeah, and he defaced a grave too! What the hell!? Randy Orton really does belong in prison!
That must be what this whole match at Battleground is. A “Punjabi Prison match,” good one Jinder! I suspect this is all an elaborate ploy to finally put that beardless snake behind bamboo (for you see, a Punjabi Prison is like a regular prison, only WWE needs to make sure we’re aware that the prison is from a crazy foreign country, so it’s made out of bamboo and not steel bars, it’s not racist) where he belongs.
4) Seth Rollins (last week: 3)
Seth gets a win against the inimitable Curt Hawkins, but still manages to fall down a spot for a couple of reasons. One reason is that his finishing move is still… let’s just say it needs work, it doesn’t sports entertain enough. The main reason however, is that Seth’s constant presence on Raw means the rest of us are subjected to more inane Bray Wyatt promos.
“The frogs may have legs Seth, but you must be crazy if you think corn has any nutritional value, man. I’m in your head, Seth. Succumb to your dark side.” Did I make that up off the top of my head, or is that a quote from a real Bray Wyatt promo? Who’s to say, really. Who’s to say.
5) Sami Zayn (last week: 6)
If I can be honest, this ranking might be a little too high for Sami Zayn this week. He did make quite the memorable entrance on Smackdown!, interrupting the Kanellis’ weekly seminar on the greatest love they’ve ever known, before profusely apologizing to them, as only Sami Zayn can. But then, one week after proclaiming to have Baron Corbin’s proverbial number as of late… well Sami done got beat by Baron Corbin (as predicted on last week’s edition of Stone Cold Stubble. Oh, and for the record, Corbin still has no Baron-beard, and is still Baron-balding. This has been “Baron Corbin Beard Watch.”) So yeah, probably a net negative for Sami, yet he climbs one spot. You know what, beards may be weirds, but they needn’t be excluding. I know just the guy to fix this ranking right up.
6) Roman Reigns (last week: unranked due to harsh, unfair regulations)
If Roman Reigns has to win this feud with Braun Strowman, can it please end with him Superman Punching an ambulance so hard it explodes? Otherwise, like what are we even doing here?
7) Elias Samson (last week: 5)
Look, I’ll still take a walk with Elias anywhere he wants to lead me, but not as a part of some three-man band with Sheamus and Cesaro (more on those flunkies later.) The only trio Elias Samson needs to be running with is himself playing a double-necked guitar.
8) Neville (last week: 4)
On one hand, Neville delivers a good promo and hypes up the Cruiserweight Championship match between him and Akira Tozawa, the next “so-called challenja” at “GRAYTE BAHLS OF FI-YA. (Did I do a good job of writing with an English accent? Y/N) On the other hand, Neville gets beat up by Akira Tozawa, who manages to deliver a flurry of kicks despite wearing suit pants, historically one of the most movement-restrictive pants you can possibly wear. Trust me, I would know. At the homecoming dance sophomore year of high school, after building up a lot of courage to step out of my comfort zone to even attend, I split my pants right open after attempting a complicated kick-based dance move. Everyone could see my Chuckie Finster boxer shorts. I’ve never been more embarrassed. Some people still call me “Rugrat” to this day. It still stings.
9) Kevin Owens (last week: 8)
10) Bo Dallas (last week: unranked)
I barely knew who Bo Dallas was last week, and this week he got a pinfall on Monday Night Raw! BO-LIEVE!!!
Last on the charts, numbers 8-10 in our hearts
A place to discuss bearded superstars who seem to be going unnoticed or unappreciated. This week, Aiden English.
Aiden English is basically Elias Samson, but with a better voice and cooler pants. Both obnoxiously perform in the middle of the ring and get annoyed when someone else’s theme music cuts them off before they can finish. It’s the same gimmick! Yet, Elias is out here wrestling former world champions, convincing everyone to walk with him, whereas in Aiden English’s last two TV appearances, he’s 1) been made fun of for crying by someone not longer currently appearing on TV (Chris Jericho,) and 2) been on the receiving end of an RKO from someone who should be in prison (Randy Orton.) When will someone give English a chance. How can someone whose pants are literally “Starry Night” be so mistreated? LOOK AT THESE PANTS!
So how can we get Aiden English some regular screen time? Hmmm, he actually does have a bit of a Vincent Van Gogh look to him, maybe he should pivot further into a tortured artist type of gimmick that emulates Van Gogh. It wouldn’t take too much commitment, what did Van Gogh ever do that was incredibly ill-advised? What’s that? Oh, he’s the one that chopped his ear off? And then he killed himself too? Wow that’s… that’s dark, that’s no good…
You know what, maybe let’s table this whole discussion for a later date. Keep doing you, Aiden English, you’re looking great out there, buddy! Loving those pants!
How can I believe that Lonzo Ball is going to become a star in the NBA when he came out on Monday Night Raw wearing sandals with socks?
That is all.
Circling The Drain
Wherein we get to call out some bearded WWE Superstars for not pulling their weight. These clowns are bringing down the worldwide beard community as a whole, from people who don’t shave for religious reasons, to me, some internet writer who decided not to shave for a month because he was lazy. It’s time they be taken to task.
This week we’re setting our sights on so-called “champions,” Sheamus and Cesaro. Since they started their feud with the Hardy Boyz, first as allies with begrudging respect, now as adversaries with sunglasses and cool jackets, Sheamus and Cesaro have faced the the legendary duo in one form or another a whole lot. Like, 735 times a lot (trust me, the math is correct.) And out of those 735 times, they have lost 734 times, their one victory being a fluke win for the titles because the rules for a steel cage match don’t make any god damned sense. Other than that it’s been all Swantons and Twist of Fates for the 1, 2, and 3.
This Monday, a slight variation on the recurring theme, as Finn Bálor pinned Cesaro in a six-man tag match where Finn and the Hardyzzzzz took on our “champions” and Elias Sampson. Sheamus and Cesaro AKA Sheasaro AKA The Bar AKA Barsaro are by far the weakest champions in the entire WWE. The value of the Raw tag team titles couldn’t be lower right now, and it’s all thanks to these two, fella. I mean, even with Elias Samson, they couldn’t get it done! Prime-era Rush this trio was not.
They do look good in the role though!