On Tuesday, Lucasfilm and Star Wars announced that J.J. Abrams will write and direct Star Wars: Episode IX, the final chapter of the current Star Wars trilogy. Abrams co-wrote and directed the first installment of the trilogy, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which was a critical and commercial success, grossing over $2 billion. Abrams replaces Colin Trevorrow, who was originally set to direct Episode IX but Trevorrow and Lucasfilm “mutually chose to part ways” (but really he was fired).
Already the decision is polarizing Star Wars fans, with some excited to see the return of Abrams and some already making stupid, “lol lens flare” jokes. I think it’s an overall safe choice. Abrams is a proven commodity that has worked with Lucasfilm prior and understands the Star Wars universe.
I will admit that The Force Awakens was generally a “safe” Star Wars film, as Abrams didn’t really take any chances. Instead, Abrams chose to make it look as much like the original trilogy as possible. Either way, it’s still the 3rd best Star Wars movie (behind only The Empire Strikes Back and A New Hope) and I think Abrams will have more leeway to experiment and play with the story and characters more than he could have with The Force Awakens.
The whole ordeal, however, got me thinking: what would Star Wars look like under the helm of other directors? In that spirit, I imagined what Episode IX could look like if it were written and directed by some of our finest working directors.
Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Django Unchained)
The first ever R-rated Star Wars movie, Star Wars: Inglorious Resistance, begins with a 20-minute, dialogue-only, interrogation scene between Kylo Ren and a random citizen who is sheltering Resistance spies. The F-word is used 148 times throughout the movie (“THE FORCE MOTHERF—ER, DO YOU USE IT?”) and the N-word gets thrown around a little too much. Samuel L. Jackson appears even though he died in Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (everyone is OK with it) and the run time is 175 minutes. Also, John Travolta turns out to be Supreme Leader Snoke.
George R.R. Martin (Game of Thrones)
(Yes, I know Martin is only a writer and not a director. Shut up, nerd.) In the first scene Luke Skywalker, who turns out to be working with Snoke and the First Order, executes Poe Dameron. Rey and Finn end up hooking up; even though we find out later they’re actually related. Darth Vader returns from the dead as a zombie and Rey fights him while riding her SPACE DRAGON.
Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Hobbit trilogy)
The first movie begins in a small cottage where Luke gives Rey 45-minutes of incredibly boring exposition. The final two-hours are spent on a giant, CGI-tastic battle between the First Order and the Resistance. Orlando Bloom is also there for some reason.
Zach Snyder (Man of Steel, Batman vs. Superman)
Approximately 90% of the movie is in slow motion with a majority of characters doing nothing but sitting around and brooding. There are no colors except for different shades of grey. Star Wars Episode IX: Rey vs. Finn, has seven other subplots that go nowhere and no one (including the audience) ever smiles.
Damien Chazelle (La La Land, Whiplash)
We learn that the only way to control the force is through Jazz music. Rey and Finn fall in love during 20-minute dance montages. Snoke teaches Kylo Ren how to play the drums, repeatedly screaming at him to get on tempo.
Christopher Nolan (Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception, Dunkirk)
Kylo Ren somehow acquires an accent in this installment and becomes even harder to understand than Bane from The Dark Knight Rises. Most of the movie takes place in the streets of a decrepit, corrupt, and scummy inner city. In order to stop the First Order, Rey, Finn, and Poe go into Kylo Ren’s dreams to inception his mind. When its over, no one in the audience understands what they just saw but they’re pretty sure they liked it.
Martin Scorsese (Goodfellas, The Departed)
Ray Liotta narrates the entire movie despite not having an actual role or explaining why he’s narrating. Leonardo DiCaprio replaces Daisy Ridley as Rey and Joe Pesci replaces Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron. Most of the film is them doing cocaine while listening to Eric Clapton
George Lucas (you know who he is)
Jar Jar Binks replaces every character. The film is 180 minutes of debate on the new bylaws of the Trade Federation agreement.
Ridley Scott (Blade Runner, Alien)
It all turns out to be another sequel to Alien.
Tim Burton (Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Burton replaces Adam Driver with Johnny Depp as Kylo Ren and Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker with Michael Keaton. The Millennium Falcon is replaced with an actual falcon (that is a singing zombie) and instead of CGI special effects there’s just a bunch of scary puppets.