(*Author’s note: what happens when I unleash a barrage of shitty puns and a smart phone app that makes your photos turn into zombie fever dreams? You’re about to find out.)
The Walking Ed
What he Is/Who he Was: NFL Referee, and whey protein addict, Ed Hochuli. “Holding on the offense. First down and brainnnnns. . .unnnhhhh. . .brainsssssss!”
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: Most zombie experts agree that a swift 60-pound dumbbell to the frontal lobe should take care of The Walking Ed. Since he is known to carry those around (*Author’s note: even now, when plagued by the eternal damnation of un-death) so he can rip off a few sets of delt-curls at a moment’s notice they should be in ready supply should you come across this fiendish nightmare.
The Walking Ted
What he is/who he was: Former Heisman candidate QB, Teddy Bridgewater, used to merely feast on the decaying flesh of one of the weakest schedules in college football. Now, he wants human blood.
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: Ask George O’Leary, Bridgewater Slayer. He and his team of Knights jousted this hellish, walking pile of doom, on national TV. And I’m still not sure how. But Central Florida holds the key.
The Walking Fed
What he Is/Who he Was: Packers defensive lineman, B.J. Raji, who has clearly been at the “Brains” section of his local Golden Corral quite a bit lately.
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: Slaying the Satanic Walking Fed is an exercise in patience. You just have to starve him out, waiting in hiding until he perishes from hunger. Which takes roughly 11 minutes.
The Walking Ned
What he Is/Who he Was: Royals Manager, Ned Yost, whose team came back from the dead this year.
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: The general consensus on how best to do away with The Walking Ned is to try to tell his hitting coach that he’s got too much pine tar on his bat. This will trigger a Mount Vesuvius style death-eruption that will destroy anyone near it.
The Walking PED
What he Is/Who he Was: Walking performance enhancing drug, Alex Rodriguez, has been injecting himself with the Rage Virus to try to get his swing back. Oh, that, and HGH. Lots of HGH.
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: The best way to take down the Walking PED is by entangling him in a giant web of zombie-proof litigation and falsified doctor’s reports from Zombie Quacks who don’t want to pay his enormous salary.
The Walking Shved:
What he Is/Who he Was: Minnesota Timberwolves guard, Alexey Shved, may have some of the goofiest hair in the game. But I’d be more worried about his teeth.
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: The Walking Shved is basically a flesh-dining, Vidal Sassoon-shampooing Samson from “Samson and Delilah”. If you cut off that coif, he’ll collapse into a pile of bones.
The Walking Dad
What he Is/Who he Was: New York Jet defensive back, Antonio Cromartie, is truly the Walking Dad. He has 12 kids. With 8 women. Seriously.
How to slay him before he eats your intestines for brunch: With 12 kids by 8 women, you don’t need to actually worry about killing The Walking Dad. He’s already a dead dead-man walking.