Conspiracy Theory: How Brady, Belichick and the CIA Went Deep Undercover to Catch the Russian Hackers

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Today in Massachusetts, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and the New England Patriots take on the Houston Texans in the NFL playoffs.  Further down the East Coast, another battle is waging within the halls of the United States government between the USA and an elite team of Russian cyber warfare specialists.  This is the evidence on how those two seemingly different stories are, in fact, the same story.

What follows is a meticulously researched, highly classified piece that spans decades and reaches the highest levels of government and the darkest corners of the human soul.

April 1953

  •  The CIA officially sanctions project known as MKUltra.  This top-secret government program, run by the CIA in an effort to enhance interrogation and torture techniques through the use of mind-altering drugs and experimentation, ultimately sets about to determine whether or not human mind control was possible.
  •  This covert operation, initially begun in an effort to make Americans safer during the course of the Cold War, quickly spirals into something darker, highly illegal, and much more nefarious.

May 5, 1955

  •  An internal memo (*Author’s note: since released for public consumption after being reviewed in the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and Committee on Human Resources. August 3, 1977)  explicitly spells out some of the aims of the MKUltra program.

  •  Throughout the 1950s, in an effort to combat the Soviet Union, MKUltra expands its funding and its reach within the department, with budget approvals reaching as high as $10 million. (*Author’s note: approximately $87 million if adjusted to today’s inflation rate.)

August, 1972

  •  Fresh-faced, brilliant, and perpetually scowling college freshman William Belichick, whose 2 friends call him “Bill”, arrives on campus at Wesleyan University in Middletown, Connecticut.  While there, he pledges an elite, high-profile fraternity known as Chi Psi that is among the oldest, most secretive fraternities in the United States.
  •  He would go on to rocket up the ranks of the house in fairly short order, garnering the attention of his fellow brothers at the national chapter level.

October 11, 1972

  •  At a Wednesday night fraternity engagement, Bill is introduced to a man who would go on to have a profound influence upon his life: fellow Chi Psi brother, and star Alumnus of the fraternity, CIA Director Richard Helms.
  •  Helms is there as a guest speaker, ostensibly, but his true purpose for stopping into the fraternity on this night was his ongoing hunt for talented, smart, amoral young men who would be willing to risk everything in the pursuit of excellence.

  •  Helms was entrenched in the inner workings of the CIA during some of its most perilous times and had never fully given up on the now-20 year-old MKUltra project.
  •  On this night, he finds a willing, able, and equally cunning pupil in Bill Belichick.  Belichick immediately begins the vetting process and, within a few short months finds himself working hand in hand with members of the MKUltra development team in attempting experimental drugs and mind control.  Belichick is able to assist the MKUltra CIA team, specifically, in two ways:
    • 1)  He is able to effectively test their drugs that attempt to create substantial, acute damages to the temporal lobe and prefrontal cortex as these portions of the brain are often times found to be partially damaged in the event of head trauma — an event that Belichick frequently witnessed while on the football field
    • 2)  Due to the nature of fraternity life, he is able to discreetly test many of his fellow members who are suffering from a self-inflicted version of retrograde amnesia due to multiple chugging contests involving Schlitz.

July 1973

  •  With the increased scrutiny suddenly surrounding the CIA in the wake of the Watergate Scandal, and the agency’s involvement in the CIA Director Helms orders the bulk of documentation surrounding the top-secret MKUltra project destroyed in a massive wave of slashing and burning some of our nation’s darkest secrets.
  •  Among the documents that meet the end of a pair of panicked, underpaid secretarial scissors is one that extends CIA funding and operational support for the creation of a kind of MKUltra sleeper cell for Belichick to utilize as he continues to work on inroads in the projects mind-control, human improvement project under the cover of football coaching.
  •  While the CIA battles both directly and indirectly with the Soviet Union, Helms and his young protegé take a longer, more conservative approach to the handling of MKUltra’s future, opting to let Belichick research with minimal oversight and only occasional requirements for status updates.  He is, in effect, operating as a sleeper cell of human development and weaponized drug research.

February 1975

  •  Director Helms has been stripped of his role as director of the CIA but, as political figures are apt to do, has landed on his feet, being assigned a key ambassadorship to Iran.  However, he continues to face intense scrutiny from congressional probes and, feeling the ratcheting up of the political Bunsen Burner beneath his expensive suit-pants, he reaches out once again to his most trusted ally: Bill Belichick.
  •  At this point, Belichick believes that his dreams of achieving human mind control have been dashed by too much political red tape and he has settled back in as an assistant coach for the Detroit Lions, making a paltry $1,300 a year.  All of this changes, when he receives a secret communique from Helms, advising him of a storage locker purchased under an alias, near Belichick and Helms’ old stomping grounds in the town of Bristol, Connecticut.  Over the years, this locker would function as a kind of mad scientist’s laboratory for Belichick, who would visit it frequently in an unsanctioned capacity to continue his research.

August 3, 1977

  •  Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. is born in San Mateo, California to parents Galynn Patricia and Thomas Sr.

Image result for tom brady as a baby

April 28, 1981

  •  Lawrence Taylor is drafted by the New York Giants out of the University of North Carolina.
  •  He immediately becomes a one-man wrecking crew as part of Bill Belichick’s linebacking corps.
  •  As part of his continued operations, Belichick begins surreptitiously aiding Lawrence Taylor in the procuring of mind-altering substances so that he can better attempt his experiments in retrograde amnesia and further his life-long goals of achieving the objectives of the now-nearly defunct MKUltra program.

December, 1981 

  •  President Ronald Reagan issued Executive Order 12333, designed to extend powers and responsibilities of US Intelligence Agencies.
  •  This order affords CIA Director William J. Casey the autonomy of funding to reach out to the agency’s deepest covert agent with an offer he can’t refuse: the CIA wants to pump more funding into Bill Belichick’s MKUltra sleeper cell.

January, 1987

  •  Belichick acceptance of the additional funding and support from the revamped MKUltra project is paying massive dividends and soon, with the expanded budget and assistance from the Agency, he makes dramatic, unprecedented gains in some of the projects key goals from the 1955 project memo — specifically the advanced, musculoskeletal synaptic interfacing and the extra-sensory perception that allowed Taylor to wreak such unparalleled havoc on all comers in the 1986 season.
  •  However, as with many test subjects in the MKUltra program, the repeated subjection to drug-cocktails and hypnotherapy took a toll on Taylor’s overall mental state, causing him to degenerate into rampant substance abuse.

  •  In a rare case of oversight, the CIA intervened in the testing, determining that Belichick had gone too far in his repeated battery of tests, nearly driving Taylor insane and, sensing that any further experimentation could push Taylor fully over the edge, they called for Belichick to relocate and put the MKUltra testing on the backburner before any further NFL or media scrutiny directed at Taylor would jeopardize the program.

November 6, 1989

  •  Aaron Josef Hernandez is born in Bristol, Connecticut to parents Dennis Hernandez and Terri Valentine-Hernandez.

Early September, 1998

  •  Belichick, now an assistant coach for Bill Parcells with the New York Jets, is flown in for a high-ranking Chi Psi chapter meeting at their founding fraternity lodge located in Ann Arbor Michigan.  While hobnobbing with the elite of the University of Michigan, Belichick finds himself face to face with a young football player named Tom Brady.
  •  The two instantly hit it off, with the latter attempting to pick the former’s brain on politics, sports, psychology, and anything that he feels will give him the breathing room he needs in his ongoing quarterback battle against Drew Henson.
  •  After approximately 4 Bourbons too many, Belichick leans over to Tom and whispers, “You know, there is a way. . .” and smiles for exactly the 12th time in his entire life.

February 1999

  •  With the war in Kosovo recently coming to a close in the Western Balkans, the ensuing tense contact between NATO — and by extension the United States — and Russia gives CIA Director George J. Tenet pause in the department’s handling of their deepest, darkest operation, causing him to reach out once again to Belichick in the hopes that his continued research could be activated and utilized once more against Russia should the animosity continue.

October, 1999

  •  Belichick, who has been secretly administering MKUltra testing to Tom Brady for the better part of the past 12 months, in a series of unsanctioned enhancement experiments, quickly responds to the Director’s requests, letting the director know that he may have, indeed, found the perfect test subject to further the agency’s long-held ambitions.
  •  Brady, for his part, continues to respond positively to the incrementally enhanced portions of the project, seeing gains in mentation, perception, arm strength, and stamina.  Belichick’s research has taught him that, rushing with MKUltra experimentation could easily lead to another colossal failure like Lawrence Taylor and is determined to bring Brady along more slowly.

April, 2000

  •  In a rare error of judgement, Belichick realizes that he may have aided his star pupil a little too much and suddenly becomes concerned that Brady will get drafted too highly, thereby ending their close relationship and impeding Belichick’s ability to continue to administer his CIA-backed testing.
  •  Now the head coach of the New England Patriots, and feeling the strain of balancing his head coaching gig with the CIA’s demands, Belichick feels his back against the wall, has no choice but to reach back into the MKUltra vaults and pull out Serum Nightingale 10: a substance which produces physical disablement such as paralysis of the legs or acute anemia.
  •  He administers this in a delayed release formula to Brady the night before he is set to run the 40-yard dash at the combine, the crown jewel of athleticism at the multi-day NFL prospect skill exhibition. His plan works flawlessly and Tom Brady, whose body has already begun to internally change — albeit much slower externally — goes out and stumble-flops his way through his 40 in a performance that sets white dudes back 30 years. His leg paralysis slows him in his other drills and he slips dramatically in the NFL Draft.  Just as his handler, Belichick, had planned.

  •  Belichick swoops in and is able to obtain Brady late in the 6th round, 199th overall.

May 7, 2000

  •  Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin is elected President of the Russian Federation.

August, 2000

  •  Tom Brady begins the season listed as fourth on the Patriots’ depth chart.  With the sudden shift in Russian power, the CIA has ordered that Belichick increase his work on Brady to attempt to accelerate the results.  As a result, Brady must remain mostly off the radar.
  •  His body begins, gradually, to shift from the doughy look of his draft picture into the type of physique that we know him more for today. His increased mental perception, as well as his extra sensory faculties also begin to show massive gains. It would appear that Belichick and the CIA have found their ideal candidate.

Image result for Tom Brady nfl combine photo

2000-2005

  •  Brady continues his MKUltra genetic engineering program, excelling as a test subject. His body becomes fitter, his mind sharper, and Belichick quickly begins to regain some of the clout he had previously lost for the MKUltra program within the CIA’s organizational hierarchy.
  •  Off the field, the CIA has decided that they may have found themselves a new age Harry Houdini — a person of immense fame that would be granted access to high-profile political opponents, events, and could travel the world over without attracting undue attention, but who could also be a willing pawn in their attempts at subterfuge.
  •  On the field, Brady has become the best of the best. He is lauded for his work ethic and his mental prowess, his ability to read and react, and his leadership qualities; all things aided in large part by the bi-weekly injections, the MKUltra therapy sessions, and Belichick’s never-ending thirst to push the limits of the human body via science.
  •  The Pats win the Super Bowl in 3 of the 4 years during this time period, and they do it without having a marquee offensive threat on Brady’s side of the ball other than their quarterback.  People begin to throw around terms like “dynasty” and “the best of all time”.

June, 2005

  • The US Government has received word that Vladimir Putin, now in his second term as president of the Russian Federation, will be in the United States to attend a business conference of some of the US’s richest businessmen. Upon hearing that he is looking to potentially invest in some holdings similar to those of Patriots owner Bob Kraft, they convince the businessman/sports owner to attend these meetings. They determine that this is their single greatest opportunity for political espionage since the official end of the Cold War in the early 1990s.
  • The CIA activates the MKULtra sleeper cell for the first time in an official capacity.  Moving swiftly, they notify Belichick to administer the final part of Brady’s MKUltra modification training: he gives the quarterback the most potent of MKUltra serums, Charcoal Slipstream 11.  This drug induces a comprehensive overhaul of his limbic system, focusing on an acute LSD over-exposure to the hippocampus and the amygdala.  In layman’s terms, Belichick is going to fully brainwash Tom Brady.
  • Giving Brady a tonic drink containing the mixture, easing the pungent taste with a lemon flavored twist, Belichick convinces the QB that this particular drink will only be a standard part of their training.  Brady downs it in a few drinks and quickly slips into the kind of trance that the CIA has long believed possible.  He is ready.
  • In a state of nearly pure hypnosis, Brady is given an exact replica of Kraft’s ring and sent to the owner’s residence to switch it out.  Inside of Brady’s fake: the latest in audio-surveillance equipment.  So tiny that it’s virtually undetectable by modern anti-bugging techniques.  Given his preferred status as Kraft’s meal-ticket, Brady easily switches out the rings, as ordered by Belichick.  The trap is set.

  •  Playing off Putin’s own greed, his own inherent desire to establish dominance like a vodka-quaffing silverback gorilla in the lowland jungles of the Congo, Kraft is instructed to present his ring as bait, with the CIA knowing that the Russian president will not be able to resist taking it as a trophy.  Putin, for his part, plays directly into the CIA’s hands and strongarms Kraft, taking the ring back with him to Russia.
  •  The CIA is able to obtain hours and hours of data based off of what is now considered one of the most successful missions to date for the agency.  It works so well, in fact, that they continue to periodically activate the device to listen in on the president, who has the ring prominently displayed in his office as a symbol of American weakness.

May, 2006

  •  Belichick is making his monthly trip back to his research facility in Bristol when he is held up at gunpoint outside the storage locker by a young man wearing a red bandana over his face and brandishing a 9mm Glock handgun.  Belichick quickly wheels on the young man and incapacitate him, yanking off the bandana and revealing: Aaron Hernandez.
  •  Belichick, seeing what he perceives as a lost soul, quickly uses his intuition to determine that he may have found yet another ideal candidate for the MKUltra testing project.  He gives Hernandez two options: “The cops.  Or inside, now.  Your choice.”
  •  Almost immediately, Belichick fills the father-figure void for the young Hernandez, who only recently lost his own father due to complications from his hernia surgery in January of this same year.  Hernandez fills a void for the CIA Operative and coach of the New England Patriots: growing tired of Brady’s burgeoning ego off the field and the lack of challenges for his team on it, Belichick begins a rigorous, far-more in-depth treatment on Hernandez; different from Brady, he uses the young man’s eager-to-please mindset, implementing a cutting edge, untested version of the MKULtra therapy focusing on aggression and retrograde amnesia in a way that he hasn’t since the failed Taylor experiments of the 1980s.

Early December, 2006

  •  Tom Brady and Belichick’s relationship has begun to crumble.  After years of jointly working to shape and mold Brady’s mind into a nearly lethal weapon of perceptive power, Tom has grown weary of constantly bowing before his mentor’s every beck and call.  In short, he’s ready to try to wean himself off of Belichick’s overbearing, invasive procedures and trying to make it on his own.
  • Bill, suffice it to say, is even grumpier than usual, with this latest turn of events.  They both agree to one final injection, a sort of cleansing, purging serum that Belichick convinces Brady is his finest work in the lab yet.  He lied.
  • What Brady doesn’t know, is that Belichick’s latest serum is his most potent retrograde amnesic to date and that the CIA has ordered Belichick to obtain a handler to smooth over the fractures that appear to be forming in his relationship with their prized test subject.
  • Belichick utilizes his contacts within the Brazilian government to land one of their top Brazilian Intelligence Agency officers, a promising young woman who has been working for the South American power in a similar manner to Brady himself — Agent 2181, or as we know her today: Gisele Bundchen.

Image result for gisele bundchen 2006

  • Brady is quickly taken with this stunning, charming, highly trained plant and she begins assisting Belichick and the CIA in a joint operation that both governments consider payback for the US’s involvement in Operation Condor in Brazil in the 1970s.  Their extremely high-profile romance serves as the perfect cover story for their continued globe-trotting reconnaissance missions.

September 30, 2007

  • Aaron Hernandez, nearing the end of his hyper-aggressive MKUltra therapy, has what Belichick would later describe as a synaptic malfunction.  On this night, he callously shoots the first two men, in what would eventually become a pattern.
  • However, before Belichick can swoop in with a “cleaning” unit from the CIA, someone who is even better at covering up crimes on a wide-scale level swoops in and handles the situation: Urban Meyer.
  • Belichick and the CIA would later disavow Hernandez and sever all ties, but the damage is done.  He is eventually convicted of murder in 2013 and is currently serving a life term.

Fast Forward Approximately 8 years.

  • Brady has continued his periodic involvement in CIA operations, with the supervision of Belichick, who has continued to hone his MKUltra production and processing as well as continuing to use various methods to covertly administer the treatment to Brady.
  • Belichick, believing that the CIA’s — and by extension his own — mission in human evolution and interrogation skills supersede any football aspirations that he professes to possess has used far infrared radiation therapy to coincide with Brady’s own special fluid intakes to maintain his psychoactive hold on the quarterback.  Belichick’s far-infrared scanner was even picked up by the New York Jets and resulted in a scandal referred to, ironically, as “Spygate”.

  • While the CIA admonishes the coach, they firmly believe that his decades of research and expertise make him invaluable to their shadowy organization, and his cover story holds up under scrutiny: to the outside world, full of nerdy sports bloggers, he just appears to be a hyper-competitive ass.

January 18, 2015

  • When his latest radiation MKUltra therapy technique, applied directly to Brady’s hands via a pre-game manicure treatment, ends up negatively impacting the PSI of the game balls in the AFC, the Patriots find themselves embroiled in another scandal.
  • However, with his cover story so flawlessly smoothed out after years of work, the CIA sees the potential scandal as an opportunity.  They ratchet up the pressure on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell — a longtime patsy for any organization with power — in an effort to force him to create an even more elaborate cover for their star agent: they want Tom Brady suspended so that Belichick can focus him entirely on another mission.
  • The CIA has picked up Russian chatter, via their planted listening device in Putin’s office, about a Kremlin-run plot to try to influence the US presidential election.  They need someone to get over to European soil in order to attempt to dig deeper into the operational nuances of this Russian attempt at cyber warfare.

May 11, 2015

  • Predictably, Goodell caves to the CIA’s demands like the lukewarm pillowfart that he is.  Tom Brady is suspended for the first 4 games of the 2016 season.

June 14, 2016

  • Due to the bureaucratic red tape, the operation to Russia has remained on hold for nearly a year.  During this time period, the Russians have made serious inroads in their cyber espionage on the United States, having hacked into the Democratic National Committee’s email servers with the idea of swaying the election directly into Donald Trump’s favor.
  • The Democrats respond by promptly having all the technical knowledge and/or skills of Ethel from room 4C at the Clearwater Bay Home for the Elderly.  Scrambling, the CIA gives the go-ahead to Belichick to once again ramp up his MKUltra therapy in order to prep Brady for a fact-finding mission in Russia.

July 15, 2016

  • Tom Brady, under a devastating combination of highly manufactured LSD and cognitive hypnotherapy administered by his coach, accepts his suspension from the NFL.

July 25, 2016

  • The FBI announces that they are investigating the Russian hacking.  What they don’t announce, is that this is a joint venture with the CIA that is being spearheaded by the deepest, darkest wing of their sister organization.

September 26, 2016

  • Tom Brady and his handler, Gisele, arrive in Europe where they engage in a number of covert activities, tracking down leads regarding the Russian cyber attacks on the DNC.  While Brady operates in a state of semi-consciousness (*Author’s note: as evidenced by his dazed expression in several of his staged photographs)

He is further aided in his hypnotherapy by the administration of more far range infrared treatment via satellite and is seen absorbing this radiation treatment nude by the press.

  • Brady does, however, obtain key information relating to the expulsion of 25 Russian dignitaries from the United States who he had identified as being involved with the hacks.

November 8, 2016

  • Donald J. Trump is elected president of the United States of America.  With the election of Donald Trump to the presidency, the CIA requests that Belichick start to phase out Brady from his current position as the CIA’s top counterintelligence agent and that he focus primarily on making inroads in controlling the next president.

November 9, 2016

  • Bill Belichick inadvertently damages himself during a retroactive MKUltra treatment to Brady in the Patriots’ locker room, and finds himself hypnotically repeating the same word over and over.

Which brings us to the present day:

  • In an effort to better ease Brady back away from the MKUltra retrograde amnesia therapy, Belichick and the CIA partner directly with Under Armour clothing company to work on a far range infrared clothing line.

  • And, it has led Bill Belichick to continue reaching out Donald Trump in an effort to ingratiate himself to the star-loving, easily influenced leader of the free world.
  • Keep your eyes peeled on The Donald, on Brady, Belichick and the Patriots.  And, as always, Stay Woke!

(*Author’s note: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a similar story that I saw circulating the internet 3 days ago from sports humor site, Sportspickle that has some similar thematic elements.  However, I have also been working on this gargantuan-length conspiracy post for quite some time and assure you that these ideas in the post were mine.)

(*Double Author’s note: here’s my slack post as proof.)

FIN

(Feature image courtesy of: MMQB.com)

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Chris Hatch is the content manager and senior writer for NoCoastBias.com.Contributor since: May 2012Present location: The 402Twitter: @burnpoetrySports Coverage: Anything but NASCARFavorite Sports Moment: Alex Henery's 57-yard Field goal against Colorado in 2008Chris Hatch’s sports “claims to fame” include:Winning a pleather-banded watch for taking first place in the 4xMile Relay at the Kansas Relays, walking past Ndamukong Suh outside a sandwich shop, and I once checked Joe Ganz's Dad into a hotel that I worked at.

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