Tonight is the NBA Draft lottery. While that doesn’t mean much to many of you, there are a great many NBA nerds who are going to be watching this weird, fascinating event as it unfolds tonight with a great deal of interest. Why you say? Because it’s such a flawed out-and-out crapshoot (*Author’s note: Unless Sith Lord David Stern decides to giftwrap Anthony Davis for the league’s most irrelevant franchise) that it’s truly fascinating to watch the picks fall where they may.
The hard numbers are there. We know the actual percentages each team has to win the top pick, so I’ve chosen to focus on the other odds that may affect the 3 teams with the highest likelihood of getting the top overall draft pick in the NBA draft. Let’s take a look.
Milwaukee Bucks: 25% chance at winning the first overall pick.
- 100% chance that anyone trying to pronounce the name of Milwaukee’s future star, Giannis Antetokounmpo, will sound like a mid-seizure Mushmouth (*Author’s note: from the criminally awful Fat Albert TV show and war-crimes-bad Keenan Thompson movie).
- 11% Chance that their first overall selection will name his yacht “Milwaukee’s Best” to pay homage to Latrell Sprewell.
- 39% Chance that this is the Bucks’ GM’s background on his computer right now:
Philadelphia 76ers: 19.9% Chance of winning the first overall pick.
- 83% Chance their fans will be pissed no matter who they select.
(*Author’s note: I know. I know. Not exactly an angry looking bunch in the photo. It’s so hard not to find Eagles fans when searching Google on this one instead of Philly basketball fans.)
- 4% Chance Doctor J comes into the building magically hidden in a Crown Royal bag like some insane, booze-sponsoring, professor from Hogwarts demonstrating a spell to all his students. (*Author’s note: potential spell name for this magic trick? “Cirrhosisastica Liverdeadinum!”)
Orlando Magic: 15.6 Percent chance at winning the first overall pick.
- 90% Chance that, the team’s first overall pick used to be jealous of Arron Afflalo
- 100% chance that the team’s newest draft pick won’t ever be able to escape Glen Davis’ shadow. Because Glen Davis’ shadow is gigantic. In every way.
**BONUS DRAFT ODDS**
- 99.9999999999% Chance the crew from the Cleveland Cavaliers acts, dresses, and bar tabs exactly like they are a bunch of frat boys who are looking to recreate the amount of pure carnage and crunkness seen in the Turn Down For What music video.
- 100% chance I will get super angry at the amount of overexposure Dan Gilbert’s son could potentially get tonight.