Every year I do a Bowl Pick ‘Em and every year my picks SUCK. I clearly don’t know enough about the sixth place team from the Big East or the conference runner-up from the Mountain West to make educated guesses. The same thing happens in March when I fill out an NCAA Tournament bracket. I think I know what I’m doing, then end up getting hustled by some kid who picked winners based on which mascot he liked best. So this year I figured if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em at their level. I did my picks this bowl season based on which head coach I felt was most likely to be an active user, customer or all around supporter of the games presenting sponsor. I chose based on the head coach during the regular season because interim coaches don’t matter to me. Let’s do it.
Gildan makes cheap T-shirts that get handed at 5K races. Chris Ault looks like he has a closet full of Nevada Athletic Department Annual Picnic shirts.
My Pick: Nevada
Andersen being at Utah makes me think he has more appreciation for the importance the potato has on a neighboring states economy.
My Pick: Utah State
It doesn’t matter how good your customer service is, no one from Provo, Utah should be banking in San Diego unless they’re laundering money.
My Pick: San Diego State
I’ve never been to a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s but it’s not for a lack of interest. Lambo looks the kind of guy who takes his family to a birthday and anniversary dinners at such establishments.
My Pick: Ball State
I know next to nothing about either of these programs but I can easily picture Ruffin McNeil (fat and skinny versions) as a trucker.
My Pick: East Carolina
Chris Petersen looks like the kind of guy who gets his oil changed at the dealership.
My Pick: Boise State
I expect June Jones gets hard at a nice fluffy bathrobe being provided with no extra charge while on vacation.
My Pick: SMU
Enos looks more like he speaks the language of Papa John. Taggart has that take-and-bake look to him.
My Pick: Western Kentucky
Neither coach or school is really associated with the military from what I can tell. No good soldier would leave his men behind for the Colorado job though.
My Pick: Bowling Green
There’s not a Belk in the entire state of Ohio. Cutcliffe looks like the kind of guy who sends a GA to the department store to purchase Christmas and birthday presents off the mannequin for his wife.
My Pick: Duke
Bridgepoint Education is some kind of for-profit education company, right? Of the two, Mora has the look of the guy who would take graduate classes online.
My Pick: UCLA
Have you ever seen Frank Solich’s arms? That guy is definitely taking some kind of multi-vitamin or protein supplement.
My Pick: Ohio
I pray that Beamer has a pair of old, sweaty coaches shorts tucked away in a drawer somewhere.
My Pick: Virginia Tech
Jerry Kill looks exactly like what I imagine every single Meineke Car Care store manager looks like.
My Pick: Minnesota
Helicopters and Armed Forces? Too easy.
My Pick: Air Force
Marrone is from the Bronx but I wanna see Holgorsen wearin’ a backwards 59FIFTY Yankees cap so bad I can’t think about anything else now.
My Pick: West Virginia
Graham looks like he could pass as a fan of Scooby Doo shaped Kraft Mac & Cheese.
My Pick: Arizona State
There’s no way that BIG OIL money isn’t getting pumped through the blood of MackBrown-TexasFootball.com.
My Pick: Texas
Dantonio looks like an Olive Garden man all the way and I wouldn’t bet against Patterson in the Blazin’ Wings Challenge.
My Pick: TCU
The name Franklin is in both the Vanderbilt coaches name and the name of sponsoring company. That’s what I’m basing my pick off of.
My Pick: Vanderbilt
I think Kiffin is way too smug to ever be caught behind the wheel of anything driven by regular people. Paul Johnson very likely drives a Sonata.
My Pick: Georgia Tech
Paul Rhoads looks like a guy who knows his way around an automobile. Guys like that replace their own spark plugs and have a rewards card to Auto Zone.
My Pick: Iowa State
Miles is known for eating grass and I think Dabo looks like a spicy chicken biscuit-enthusiast.
My Pick: Clemson
I got nothing for this one so I’m going with which coach looks least likely to be cast as the villain in a western movie titled Heart of Dallas.
My Pick: Oklahoma State
TaxSlayer.com is such a lame sponsor. Fitzgerald has that BRO look and I bet he uses the word SLAY more in his vocabulary so he gets the nod.
My Pick: Northwestern
Pelini seems like the kind of guy who keeps his money in a mattress and doesn’t deal with credit cards.
My Pick: Georgia
Hoke could own stock in Outback and I wouldn’t be surprised.
My Pick: Michigan
This game is presented by Vizio but that’s not important. Shaw looks like the dozen roses for his lady type while Bielema looks like he would give a vacuum as a Valentine’s gift.
My Pick: Stanford
I’m picking this based on which guy looks like he pours vodka in his orange juice in the morning.
My Pick: Florida State
I’m going to pretend that the name Coach Boom crosses over to his driving record and that the guy has some good auto insurance.
My Pick: Florida
Chip Kelly looks like a man who loves salty snacks and cheese dips. Snyder’s diet is more likely to be rich in fiber.
My Pick: Oregon
Stoops did an AT&T commercial. A&M is screwed.
My Pick: Sooners
Had to Google BBVA Compass … It’s a bank! Freeze mugshot looks like it could be on a billboard on the side of the road encouraging people to bank locally.
My Pick: Ole Miss
Neither team has a head coach in place for this game. I imagine people of Arkansas are more gullible and likely to visit GoDaddy.com to “see what happens next” expecting a peak at Danica Patrick’s ladyparts.
My Pick: Arkansas State
Saban has to have a dufflebag full of credit cards somewhere. Someone could tell me Kelly writes checks when he’s at the grocery store and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.
The Pick: Alabama