Bryan Gottula

Pickin’ Bowl Games: Coaches vs. Sponsors

Every year I do a Bowl Pick ‘Em and every year my picks SUCK. I clearly don’t know enough about the sixth place team from the Big East or the conference runner-up from the Mountain West to make educated guesses. The same thing happens in March when I fill out an NCAA Tournament bracket. I think I know what I’m doing, then end up getting hustled by some kid who picked winners based on which mascot he liked best. So this year I figured if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em at their level. I did my picks this bowl season based on which head coach I felt was most likely to be an active user, customer or all around supporter of the games presenting sponsor. I chose based on the head coach during the regular season because interim coaches don’t matter to me. Let’s do it.


Rich Rodriguez (Arizona) vs. Chris Ault (Nevada)
Albuquerque, NM – Sat., Dec. 15 – 1:00 p.m. ET

Gildan makes cheap T-shirts that get handed at 5K races. Chris Ault looks like he has a closet full of Nevada Athletic Department Annual Picnic shirts.
My Pick: Nevada

Matt Campbell (Toledo) vs. Gary Andersen (Utah State)
Boise, ID – Sat., Dec. 15 – 4:30 p.m. ET

Andersen being at Utah makes me think he has more appreciation for the importance the potato has on a neighboring states economy.
My Pick: Utah State

Bronco Mendenhall (BYU) vs. Rocky Long (San Diego State)
San Diego, CA – Thu., Dec. 20 – 8:00 p.m. ET

It doesn’t matter how good your customer service is, no one from Provo, Utah should be banking in San Diego unless they’re laundering money.
My Pick: San Diego State

Pete Lambo (Ball State) vs. George O’Leary (UCF)
St. Petersburg, FL – Fri., Dec. 21 – 7:30 p.m. ET

I’ve never been to a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s but it’s not for a lack of interest. Lambo looks the kind of guy who takes his family to a birthday and anniversary dinners at such establishments.
My Pick: Ball State

Ruffin McNeil (East Carolina) vs. Mark Hudspeth (UL Lafayette)
New Orleans, LA  – Sat., Dec. 22 – 12:00 p.m. ET

I know next to nothing about either of these programs but I can easily picture Ruffin McNeil (fat and skinny versions) as a trucker.
My Pick: East Carolina

Chris Petersen (Boise State) vs. Steve Sarkisian (Washington)
Las Vegas, NV – Sat., Dec. 22 – 3:30 p.m. ET

Chris Petersen looks like the kind of guy who gets his oil changed at the dealership.
My Pick: Boise State

Tim DeRuyter (Fresno State) vs. June Jones (SMU)
Honolulu, HI – Mon., Dec. 24 – 8:00 p.m. ET

I expect June Jones gets hard at a nice fluffy bathrobe being provided with no extra charge while on vacation.
My Pick: SMU

Dan Enos (Central Michigan) vs. Willie Taggart (Western Kentucky)
Detroit, MI – Wed., Dec. 26 – 7:30 p.m. ET

Enos looks more like he speaks the language of Papa John. Taggart has that take-and-bake look to him.
My Pick: Western Kentucky

Dave Clawson (Bowling Green) vs. Mike McIntyre (San Jose State)
Washington, DC – Thu., Dec. 27 – 3:00 p.m. ET

Neither coach or school is really associated with the military from what I can tell. No good soldier would leave his men behind for the Colorado job though.
My Pick: Bowling Green

Butch Jones (Cincinnati) vs. David Cutcliffe (Duke)
Charlotte, NC – Thu., Dec. 27 – 6:30 p.m. ET

There’s not a Belk in the entire state of Ohio. Cutcliffe looks like the kind of guy who sends a GA to the department store to purchase Christmas and birthday presents off the mannequin for his wife.
My Pick: Duke

Art Briles (Baylor)  vs. Jim Mora (UCLA)
San Diego, CA – Thu., Dec. 27 – 9:45 p.m. ET

Bridgepoint Education is some kind of for-profit education company, right? Of the two, Mora has the look of the guy who would take graduate classes online.
My Pick: UCLA

Frank Solich (Ohio) vs. Todd Berry (ULM)
Shreveport, LA – Fri., Dec. 28 – 2:00 p.m. ET

Have you ever seen Frank Solich’s arms? That guy is definitely taking some kind of multi-vitamin or protein supplement.
My Pick: Ohio

Kyle Flood (Rutgers) vs. Frank Beamer (Virginia Tech)
Orlando, FL – Fri., Dec. 28 – 5:30 p.m. ET

I pray that Beamer has a pair of old, sweaty coaches shorts tucked away in a drawer somewhere.
My Pick: Virginia Tech

Jerry Kill (Minnesota) vs. Tommy Tuberville (Texas Tech)
Houston, TX – Fri., Dec. 28 – 9:00 p.m. ET

Jerry Kill looks exactly like what I imagine every single Meineke Car Care store manager looks like.
My Pick: Minnesota

Troy Calhoun (Air Force) vs. David Bailiff (Rice)
Fort Worth, TX – Sat., Dec. 29 – 11:45 a.m. ET

Helicopters and Armed Forces? Too easy.
My Pick: Air Force

Doug Marrone (Syracuse) vs. Dana Holgorsen (West Virginia)
Bronx, NY – Sat., Dec. 29 – 3:15 p.m. ET

Marrone is from the Bronx but I wanna see Holgorsen wearin’ a backwards 59FIFTY Yankees cap so bad I can’t think about anything else now.
My Pick: West Virginia

Todd Graham (Arizona State) vs. Ken Niumatalolo (Navy)
San Francisco, CA – Sat., Dec. 29 – 4:00 p.m. ET

Graham looks like he could pass as a fan of Scooby Doo shaped Kraft Mac & Cheese.
My Pick: Arizona State

Mike Riley (Oregon State) vs. Mack Brown (Texas)
San Antonio, TX – Sat., Dec. 29 – 6:45 p.m. ET

There’s no way that BIG OIL money isn’t getting pumped through the blood of
My Pick: Texas

Mark Dantonio (Michigan State) vs. Gary Patterson (TCU)
Tempe, AZ – Sat., Dec. 29 – 10:15 p.m. ET

Dantonio looks like an Olive Garden man all the way and I wouldn’t bet against Patterson in the Blazin’ Wings Challenge.
My Pick: TCU

Tom O’Brien (NC State) vs. James Franklin (Vanderbilt)
Nashville, TN – Mon., Dec. 31 – 12:00 p.m. ET

The name Franklin is in both the Vanderbilt coaches name and the name of sponsoring company. That’s what I’m basing my pick off of.
My Pick: Vanderbilt

Paul Johnson (Georgia Tech) vs. Lane Kiffin (USC)
El Paso, TX – Mon., Dec. 31 – 2:00 p.m. ET

I think Kiffin is way too smug to ever be caught behind the wheel of anything driven by regular people. Paul Johnson very likely drives a Sonata.
My Pick: Georgia Tech

Paul Rhoads (Iowa State) vs. Bill Blankenship (Tulsa)
Memphis, TN – Mon., Dec. 31 – 3:30 p.m. ET

Paul Rhoads looks like a guy who knows his way around an automobile. Guys like that replace their own spark plugs and have a rewards card to Auto Zone.
My Pick: Iowa State

Dabo Swinney (Clemson) vs. Les Miles (LSU)
Atlanta, GA – Mon., Dec. 31 – 7:30 p.m. ET

Miles is known for eating grass and I think Dabo looks like a spicy chicken biscuit-enthusiast.
My Pick: Clemson

Danny Hope (Purdue) vs. Mike Gundy (Oklahoma State)
Dallas, TX  – Tue., Jan. 1 – 12:00 p.m. ET

I got nothing for this one so I’m going with which coach looks least likely to be cast as the villain in a western movie titled Heart of Dallas.
My Pick: Oklahoma State

Dan Mullen (Mississippi State) vs. Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)
Jacksonville, FL – Tue., Jan. 1 – 12:00 p.m. ET is such a lame sponsor. Fitzgerald has that BRO look and I bet he uses the word SLAY more in his vocabulary so he gets the nod.
My Pick: Northwestern

Mark Richt (Georgia) vs. Bo Pelini (Nebraska)
Orlando, FL – Tue., Jan. 1 – 1:00 p.m. ET

Pelini seems like the kind of guy who keeps his money in a mattress and doesn’t deal with credit cards.
My Pick: Georgia

Brady Hoke (Michigan) vs. Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)
Tampa, FL – Tue., Jan. 1 – 1:00 p.m. ET

Hoke could own stock in Outback and I wouldn’t be surprised.
My Pick: Michigan

David Shaw (Stanford) vs. Bret Bielema (Wisconsin)
Pasadena, CA – Tue., Jan. 1 – 5:00 p.m. ET

This game is presented by Vizio but that’s not important. Shaw looks like the dozen roses for his lady type while Bielema looks like he would give a vacuum as a Valentine’s gift.
My Pick: Stanford

Jimbo Fisher (Florida State) vs. Dave Doeren (Northern Illinois)
Miami Gardens, FL – Tue., Jan. 1 – 8:30 p.m. ET

I’m picking this based on which guy looks like he pours vodka in his orange juice in the morning.
My Pick: Florida State

Will Muschamp (Florida) vs. Charlie Strong (Louisville)
New Orleans, LA – Wed., Jan. 2 – 8:30 p.m. ET

I’m going to pretend that the name Coach Boom crosses over to his driving record and that the guy has some good auto insurance.
My Pick: Florida

Bill Snyder (Kansas State) vs. Chip Kelly (Oregon)
Glendale, AZ – Thu., Jan. 3 – 8:30 p.m. ET

Chip Kelly looks like a man who loves salty snacks and cheese dips. Snyder’s diet is more likely to be rich in fiber.
My Pick: Oregon

Bob Stoops (Oklahoma) vs. Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M)
Arlington, TX – Fri., Jan. 4 – 8:00 p.m. ET

Stoops did an AT&T commercial. A&M is screwed.
My Pick: Sooners

Paul Chryst (Pittsburgh) vs. High Freeze (Ole Miss)
Birmingham, AL – Sat., Jan. 5 – 1:00 p.m. ET

Had to Google BBVA Compass … It’s a bank! Freeze mugshot looks like it could be on a billboard on the side of the road encouraging people to bank locally.
My Pick: Ole Miss

Gus Malzahn (Arkansas State) vs. Darrell Hazell (Kent State)
Mobile, AL – Sun., Jan. 6 – 9:00 p.m. ET

Neither team has a head coach in place for this game. I imagine people of Arkansas are more gullible and likely to visit to “see what happens next” expecting a peak at Danica Patrick’s ladyparts.
My Pick: Arkansas State

Brian Kelly (Notre Dame) vs. Nick Saban (Alabama)
Miami Gardens, FL – Mon., Jan. 7 – 8:30 p.m. ET

Saban has to have a dufflebag full of credit cards somewhere. Someone could tell me Kelly writes checks when he’s at the grocery store and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.
The Pick: Alabama

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