I want to own the Houston Rockets. I don’t really care about the team, but there’s no doubt being in charge of an NBA franchise would be dope. That comes with power my current self can only dream of. But while I’m dreaming, I can dream up all the stuff I would do as the owner as well. If Leslie Alexander were to sell his team to me, what would I do differently than that old stiff? The following is my plan that I will attach alongside my bid of $212.37.
First things first. The Rockets don’t really look that cool anymore. Their colors and logos and uniforms are all fine, but nothing special. You already know where I’m going with this: it’s time to Make the Rockets Pinstriped Again.
Pinstripes have always been cool on basketball uniforms. Bring them back, and it will bring Houston back to its former glory. A dumb person might point out they haven’t won anything since the creation of the pinstripe uniforms or offer a (wrong) opinion that they look bad. I would remind him/her that Michael Jordan exists and that I’m the owner now, okay, and if you don’t like it you can go shove it.
Also, I want big ass, gaudy half-court logos again. It’s time.
Here, I would wouldn’t change much of the current strategy, which is “let Daryl Morey do his thing.” I’m smart enough to know I’m not that smart. I’d probably pop in sometime next year and see if we can get out of paying Chris Paul for the next five years. I’d also tell him letting Patrick Beverly go really hurt my soul. But he doesn’t really have to listen to me, and that’s fine. Doing the nitty gritty stuff that requires big decisions and a lot of thinking isn’t why I bought the team. That’s the beauty of delegation, baby.
I don’t know who currently calls Houston games, but if my League Pass memory serves me right he’s a huge homer but not even in a fun way. It’s more of a “every call against the Rockets is wrong and I am seriously and boringly mad about it” deal. That sucks. Clyde Drexler is a fine color commentator, which I will build off of. I’m promoting Clyde and bringing in a new team filled with Rocket legends that can at least be homers in an interesting way:
Play-by-play: Clyde Drexler
Color commentary: Tracy McGrady & Yao Ming
Sideline reporter: Hakeem Olajuwon
Clyde gets to be the main man after suffering in the passenger seat for years. McGrady and Ming by his side will be better than Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. McGrady has been appearing on ESPN shows and has come out with some strange takes. Give him a couple hours 82 times a year to expand on those and soon he’ll be ranting in a Van Gundian fashion. We’ll be lucky if Yao says anything, so every time he speaks up will be must-see TV.
I shouldn’t have to sell you on Olajuwon working the sideline. For the first time, the sideline reporter will be taller than the player he’s interviewing. That switches the power dynamic and should lead to some interesting answers. Imagine Hakeem calling over modern post players and grilling them on their lackluster finishing and footwork. They’d rather get interviewed by Ali G, but they have to do it. I can’t wait.
Plus, they’ll all get to reminisce about the good old days on air, something I’m sure Rockets fans will enjoy.
When you think of Houston, Texas you think of the Rockets, then much later the Astros, then even later than that the Texans. Above at least those last two is the city’s hip hop scene and the queen of Houston/America/Earth Beyonce is above all of them. The Rockets need to use all of this to their advantage. I promise I will do just that.
There will be a halftime concert at every home game. Or at the very least an extremely well produced DJ session. I’m talking Travis Scott, Paul Wall, Riff Raff, the Geto Boys, Chamillionaire, Mike Jones, Baby Bash, even Lecrae. We can’t get UGK (RIP Pimp C) but Bun B can drop in. Beyonce and her slightly less famous sister Solange might be too expensive but we gotta try. Even if you just dim the lights and turn up a DJ Screw chopped and screwed mixtape is good enough for me. Give the people what they want.
I’m not sure if Travis Scott is still dating Kylie Jenner, but I need both of them courtside for every game. Other Houston natives can pitch in. Get Tom Ford to be the personal stylist of every player. Hell, let him design an alternate uniform. Wes Anderson can direct all the arena’s videos. I don’t know what they’d do but let’s get Hilary and Haylie Duff involved. The Toyota Center should be the premiere spot in Houston for more than just basketball.
(Googling “famous Houston people” for this section is just a preview of the level of work and commitment I’m willing to give this franchise.)
Basically, I get to do what I want. I can sit wherever I want to at any Rockets game. (Of course I would let the person whose seat I took go to my owner’s box and have a field day.) Speaking of the owner’s box, the bar there will only serve Evan Williams, Budweiser and Busch Light. The menu will be ribeye steaks, barbecue chicken and street tacos. You want something else, you go to the regular vendors.
Outside of games, I reserve the right to drop in at any team activities. I promise to keep my mouth shut and not interrupt Mike D’Antoni or tell what to do, I just want to observe. Practices, film study, the weight room, it’s all my domain and I’ll hang out if I want. I also get at least one meeting a week with D’Antoni to ask him all the basketball questions I have. This includes making him tell me stories of the Seven Seconds or Less Suns teams.
I just really, really like basketball and want to be involved. Let me buy the team, please.