NFL

Official (Not Actually) Theme Songs for NFL Quarterbacks: Part I

I am always very impressed with the marketability the NFL has maintained for it’s players throughout the years. Despite the sport being played with equipment that makes it very difficult to see a player’s face, NFL players are some of the most well known athletes in America, specifically the quarterbacks. Recently, during my 1,000th viewing of Aaron Rodgers in a State Farm commercial, I thought about how the NFL can step its game up even more. My first thought was WWE style player introductions before games kick off, but that seemed too cumbersome given the number of players and the fact that it wouldn’t be nearly as good from the comfort of my couch.

Instead, that idea morphed into OFFICIAL theme songs for quarterbacks. You know what’s better than Peyton Manning doing Visa commercials? Peyton Manning in a Drake music video. However, it is imperative that these theme songs fit the quarterbacks they are labeled with. Below I compiled the perfect theme songs for various NFL quarterbacks around the league in two parts. Part I will cover the NFC QBs and Part II, the AFC. In the interest of fairness (and bias-free content that you can only find here at No Coast Bias), I chose a song for each quarterback that led their respective team in starts for the 2014 season. On to the candidates:

*The links to the included songs may contain explicit lyrics and are not suitable for underage readers*

Tony Romo: Shake it Off – Taylor Swift

I’m convinced that this song was written after Taylor ran into Tony during a trip to Cabo bye week. The oft-maligned Dallas quarterback has not quite earned the consistent battering and bruising he has received in the media. Playoff woes aside, Romo is, by all accounts, a top 10 quarterback in the NFL, and showed it this season with a 113.2 quarterback rating in route to a short playoff run for the Cowboys. But like Taylor says, “the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate”.

Come to think of it, she also says that people accuse her of “having nothing on her brain”, that she “makes the moves up as she goes”, and tells herself “It’s gonna be alright”…wait a minute, all of those apply to Romo. Is it possible that they are the same person? Is this Finkle and Einhorn all over again? HAS ANYONE SEEN THESE TWO IN THE SAME PLACE BEFORE!?!?

Eli Manning: Do You Remember – Jay Sean

With a deal set to expire at the end of next season, the Giants appeared to be at an impasse with veteran signal caller, Eli Manning going into this year. After a season in which Manning passed for a whopping 27 interceptions and just 18 touchdowns, Giants nation was starting to feel as if he was past his prime and that it was time to look for another quarterback. It would appear as though his only real reason for getting any kind of extension were “all the fun times we had” with his two Super Bowl victories in 2007 and 2011. With new offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo and a shiny new toy in Odell Beckham Jr., Manning showed that he has some “new memories” to make with this team still. Eli posted his best statistical season since their last Super Bowl year, and posted career bests in completions, completion percentage, TD/INT ratio, and QBR. It would appear as though he still has enough gas left in the tank for the G-Men to be serious contenders if they can fix their ailing defense (22nd in points against last year).

Mark Sanchez: Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen

One could certainly make a case that the Sanchize “traded his soul for a wish” when he ended up as the backup in Philadelphia with offensive mastermind Chip Kelly. When he got his chance as the starter, the former Jet compiled career bests in completion percentage, yards per attempts, QBR, and QB rating. Clearly, Sanchez missed Chip so bad “before he came into his life”, and now is set to be a free agent in a year where he is probably the best signal caller available. Expect the master of the butt fumble to get a few tryouts, leave his number, and get some calls…maybe.

Robert Griffin III: Problem – Ariana Grande

It was just a terrible year to be Robert Griffin. Struggling with injuries and performance, the former Heisman Trophy winner appeared in just 9 games in 2014. This includes being benched at different times for Kirk Cousins and the ever-present Colt McCoy. Amidst all of this were rumors that the team was sick of Griffin’s attitude and actually PREFERRED McCoy. Jay Gruden has also made it plenty clear that he does not like RGIII, and the team even left him off of the pitch to season ticket holders of the Redskins. It is fair to wonder if the ‘Skins would have “one less problem without” Griffin and his antics.

Aaron Rodgers: Green and Yellow – Lil’ Wayne

Honorable mention for the State Farm jingle has to be included here, but ultimately I don’t see how Rodgers could pass on a song made for him and his team during their last Super Bowl run. If Lil’ Wayne wrote a song about me, I’d probably use every piece of technology available to ensure that it was playing around me all day, everyday. Sidenote: that Wayne uses the line “This is Green Bay, we go hard” tells me he’s never actually been to Wisconsin.

Matt Stafford: The Lazy Song – Bruno Mars

There is perhaps no better anthem to represent the Lions signal caller, which is unfortunate considering the wealth of talent Stafford has displayed in his 6 NFL seasons. He has repeatedly stated that he will not work with any QB gurus in the off-season despite mechanical flaws that have plagued him throughout his career. Bruno Mars lays out a workout plan Stafford may be able to agree upon of P90X and sex to start his day. Perhaps if he worked harder the Lions could have done better than 22nd in the NFL in scoring despite having a top 3 defense.

Teddy Bridgewater: I’m Goin In – Lil’ Wayne

The Vikings pulled the trigger on Bridgewater a little earlier than many expected, but it payed off. The rookie went 6-6 as a starter, impressive considering the team only won 7 games this year, and flashed some tools that the team hopes mature into a franchise caliber quarterback. He certainly “went hard”, beating the Falcons in impressive fashion in his first ever start, and 4 of his 6 losses were by 3 points or less (and against good teams). Bridgewater has made an impression and his hopefully here to stay.

Jay Cutler: I Love It – Icona Pop

If there is one thing Smokin’ Jay doesn’t care about its, well, anything. After a revitalizing first year under former Bears head coach Marc Trestman, Cutler took a step (leap) back this season, regressing back to his error-prone ways. His 18 interceptions were tied for the worst in the league, and he could not lead the team to a victory against a single playoff-bound opponent. To underline how horrible a season Cutler had, he was benched at one point for Jimmy Clausen, and Trestman was immediately fired after the year. Needless to say, he “crashed the Bears into the bridge, he watched, he let it burn.”

Cam Newton: Superman – Five for Fighting

I don’t think it’s very easy to be Cam Newton. Blessed with prodigious talents, he has not been similarly gifted by the Panthers front office with respect to the weapons at his disposal. The best receiving options Cam has had in  his tenure with Carolina have been an aging Steve Smith and a rookie (Kelvin Benjamin) with drop issues. Tack on a nagging ankle injury, and there are some real chinks in Superman’s armor that need to be addressed before the Panthers can be serious about winning a title.

Drew Brees: This – Darius Rucker

Unlike his NFC South counterpart, Brees has to feel very fortunate to be in his current position. Despite an unsuccessful year in 2014, his time in New Orleans has been overwhelmingly positive. Since Brees and head coach Sean Payton united in 2006, the team has won 3 division titles, and have been to the playoffs 5 times, including one Super Bowl. Along the way, the former Charger has become the Saints greatest quarterback of all time, setting team records in almost every important statistical category, including some NFL records. He is not only the face of the franchise, but of a city that had just been devastated by Hurricane Katrina prior to his arrival. The best part of all of this is that had Brees not injured himself (torn labrum) at the end of his time in San Diego, he could have ended up with the Dolphins and this magical ride would have never been started. “It’s crazy to think that one little thing could have changed all of this”.

Matt Ryan: Under Pressure – Queen

Ryan has become a fantastic passer, but I can only imagine what he could have done the last couple of years had the Falcons put together a better offensive line. It is hard to believe that an offense with Ryan, Julio Jones, Roddy White, and Harry Douglas (who I think is criminally underrated) has finished 12th and 20th the last two seasons in points scored. However, if you watch Falcons games and see Ryan flushed, hurried, and hit as often as he is, this becomes much more believable. The team is going in the right direction after taking Jake Matthews in last year’s draft, but there is still ways to go.

Josh McCown: We Belong Together – Mariah Carey

If they gave an award for “Player Filled with Most Regret” in 2014 it might go to McCown. After enjoying an absurd 8 game stretch with the Bears and Marc Trestman in 2013, he spurned the chance to continue working as Jay Cutler’s backup for greener pastures (i.e. a better chance to start) in Tampa. How did that work out for him? McCown went back to being his mediocre self with the Bucs, switching in and out with Mike Glennon at quarterback, and now is a free agent having trouble finding a similar opportunity with Tampa slotted to take a quarterback with the first pick and exposed as a one-hit system wonder with Trestman. Had he stayed in Chicago, it is not unrealistic to think McCown could have outplayed Jay Cutler enough where the team played better, kept the coach, and looked to move Smokin’ Jay with more urgency, creating a niche for the aging veteran. Oh what could have been.

Russell Wilson: 0 To 100 – Drake

“If I ain’t the greatest then I’m headed for it”. I would say that this properly defines Wilson’s first 3 seasons in Seattle. After being drafted in the 3rd round of the 2012 draft, he has led the Seahawks to the playoffs every year, sporting a 6-2 playoff record, 2 Super Bowl appearances, and one title. The team has gone “0 To 100” under Wilson so far, and if the early dividends are any indication, we could be looking at the next great QB battle with he, Aaron Rodgers, and Andrew Luck.

Drew Stanton: In the End – Linkin Park

Due to injury woes facing Carson Palmer, including a torn ACL that ended his season, much of the quarterbacking responsibilities this year fell on the shoulders of Drew Stanton. He filled in admirably, leading the team to a 5-3 record in games where he attempted 20 or more passes, impressive by NFL backup standards. However, it was all for naught as Stanton’s season was also ended with an MCL sprain, and Ryan Lindley promptly ceded the division and the Cardinals lost in the opening round of the playoffs.

Colin Kaepernick: The Man – Aloe Blacc

Cliche? Absolutely. Do I care? Absolutely not. Especially when it’s pretty clear that the 49ers’ young quarterback loves himself almost as much as Joanie loves Chachi. Kaepernick seemed to regress in 2014, but his numbers did not fall by much and the team around him failed to do much to help him on offense. While it is clear he will probably never be a prolific passer, he is still a dynamic runner and it is expected that the 49ers will take advantage of that more going forward. Kaep is still the man in ‘Frisco, and should show it more in 2015.

Austin Davis: Take a Bow – Rihanna

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtains finally closin
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now
So go on and take a bow

There is no better way for me to express Austin Davis-mania this season. Don’t recall such madness? That’s how quick it was. In weeks 3-7 (4 games), the undrafted QB from Southern Mississippi dazzled with 1,093 yards passing, 9 touchdowns, and just 3 interceptions. This included a stunning victory at home against the Seattle Seahawks, which prompted Hall of Famer Brett Favre to say he could be the next Kurt Warner. Such ridiculous comments were quickly put to bed as Davis completed just 57% of his passes over his next 3 starts, throwing just 3 touchdowns and 5 interceptions. He was then replaced by Shaun Hill for the rest of the year.

That does it for theme songs for NFC quarterbacks! Keep your eyes peeled for Part II!

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