In light of the new year coming up and the end to another NFL regular season, it seemed prudent for us to come up with a few New Years resolutions for all of the teams in the NFL. So, with contributions from a few of my friends here at No Coast Bias, on this New Years Eve of 2014, I would like to present to you our 2015 NFL New Years resolutions.
Arizona Cardinals: Cover all their starters (and backups, and the backup’s backups) in bubble wrap because it sucks playing with 4th string players and this will likely be a contributing factor to an early playoff exit.
Atlanta Falcons: Replace the worn out Steven Jackson with another younger version of himself and find a receiver that can stay healthy the entire year.
Baltimore Ravens: Hope that Joe Flacco continues to play at an “elite” status.
Buffalo Bills: Find some more offensive weapons. Sammy Watkins was great and played well in his rookie season, but they need more than him to keep up with the Patriots, despite having a top-10 defense this year. Oh, and figure out how to slow down Rob Gronkowski.
Carolina Panthers: Make Cam decide if he’s going to be a scrambler or a stay-in-the-pocket quarterback. He needs to choose at some point, and it’ll serve Carolina best when he determines which one he wants to focus on.
Chicago Bears: Go through the trademark process to rename their team the Chicago Matt Fortes, since he’s obviously the only thing holding that offense together. Then figure out how they can reallocate the money they’re paying Jay Cutler to somewhere else more useful on the team.
Cincinnati Bengals: Protect the ball as if it is each player’s first-born child. Too many turnovers for this team over the course of the season.
Cleveland Browns: First of all, be thankful they were involved in a relevant game so late in the season (this hasn’t happened in quite some time). But more importantly, be more loyal to their starting quarterback and remember what he’s done. Brian Hoyer was playing just fine when they put Johnny Manziel in to replace him; Hoyer was the one that got them to where they were, and it didn’t make sense to replace him with an unproven risk.
Dallas Cowboys: Most immediately, they need to send Tony Romo to a psychiatrist so he doesn’t choke in the playoffs like he’s done several times in the past. He’s been playing the best of his career this year and it’d be a shame to see that go down the drain in the playoffs.
Denver Broncos: Find a strong-armed veteran to replace Peyton Manning, because his retirement is inevitable and they’ll need to replace him eventually. Rumor is a guy named Tim Tebow is on the market…
Detroit Lions: Put shock collars on all of their players and require them to go through an ethical training about how not to play dirty. The only lions that should be stomping on other living things are the ones in the jungle.
Green Bay Packers: Bring Aaron Rodgers to the Fountain of Youth so that he can live forever and lead this team to victory for the next century.
Houston Texans: Clone JJ Watt 21 times so that they can make a whole team of him. He’s proven that they don’t need anyone else on that team.
Indianapolis Colts: Sign Andrew Luck up for the Dollar Shave Club so he can shave that mess off his face and hopefully shave a couple interceptions off of his throwing.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Keep holding on to the patience that they’ve had for the past several years and hold on to the hope that something will pay off soon.
Kansas City Chiefs: Redefine the position that all wide receivers have, since they obviously aren’t involved in scoring at all. And hypnotize Alex Smith into thinking that passes 30 yards down the field are the same as a check down (which could help with the first problem).
Miami Dolphins: Find one more offensive weapon that can make a difference. They just need that one guy that can make this offense a high powered offense. But, they’ll also need Tannehill fix his deep-ball issues.
Minnesota Vikings: Expedite the construction process for building their new stadium so they can go back to playing mediocre football indoors.
New England Patriots: Make Bill Belichick smile somehow, because winning the division title 11 of the past 12 years isn’t enough for him. Oh, and give Rob Gronkowski the ball on every play possible.
New Orleans Saints: Build a time machine so they can go back to the beginning of this year and figure out what went wrong.
New York Giants: Sign Odell Beckham Jr. to a 10 year deal right now. Just do it. Forget about everything else.
New York Jets: Just pray…pray for everything to get better. Oh, and figure out how to slow down Rob Gronkowski with the rest of the AFC East.
Oakland Raiders: Somehow convince Brett Favre to adopt Derek Carr so that Favre can teach him to fully develop as a quarterback since Carr was the only shining light on the Raiders this year.
Philadelphia Eagles: Recruit every track star available so they can keep up with the offense. Also, make sure the defense is conditioned enough so that the players are still breathing when they go back on the field after a 30-second 3-and-out by the offense.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Convince themselves that 20 is the new 35 and start to get younger on defense. Unless Dick LeBeau is secretly hiding a Fountain of Youth in his backyard.
San Diego Chargers: Get an inspirational speech from Mariano Rivera so they can be reminded how to close a season.
San Francisco 49ers: Pray for a home run hire for their head coach after the Harbaugh departure.
Seattle Seahawks: Keep giving Beast Mode plenty of Skittles and keep giving fans something to cheer for. This team is primed for success.
St. Louis Rams: Go to a repair shop so they can get out of neutral, which is what they seem to have been stuck in for the past several years, not going up and not going down. Once they’ve done this, well, then start to push down on the gas hard.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Think about a strategy to effectively use their top draft pick because if they don’t then they’ll be holding that top spot for years to come.
Tennessee Titans: Put all of their fans into a deep sleep for the next 3-5 years because it probably won’t be getting much better anytime soon unless dramatic changes are made.
Washington Redskins: Truly decide who they want to stick with for their starting quarterback. Similar to Carolina, they need to figure this out so they can start to build their offense around one system.