This Saturday the Nebraska Cornhuskers will enter Memorial Stadium in black jerseys. The alternate uniforms, following up on the recent trend by many college programs to stay trendy, will be a major departure from the normal Scarlet and Cream (*Author’s note: or as normal people call them, “red” and “white”). Regardless of where you find yourself sitting on the Scale of Crunkness (*Author’s note: see: below.) about these new uniforms, nearly very Husker fan on the planet seems to have an opinion.
But that’s been covered before. The Huskers are moving forward. There’s a game to be played, after all. But before we go, before we throw ourselves headlong onto the hype-train as it heads straight down the perilous slopes of Mount Gameday towards a glorious pillaging of the rich and famous opponents from Hollywood or a complete, smoldering wreck of defeat, let’s take a minute and look at those jerseys just one. . .last. . .time.
No. Not those jerseys.
I’m talking about the alternate alternate jerseys. The ones that almost made the cut but, for whatever reason, Adidas decided to go with the Black uniforms that you’ll see on Saturday.
These are the jerseys that are so alternative, so “alt-alt-alt” that you’d think they were a key being pressed on a PC keyboard by a confused Mac user trying to hot key his way through something with the “apple” button.
Let’s take a look, fellow Husker fans. Eat your heart out, New York Fashion Week.
Alternative’s Alternate #1
Designer: Presented to Adidas by acclaimed Austrian fashion designer, The Guccinator.
Why they didn’t make the cut: Despite the obviously chic look and despite sporting the extraterrestrial nouveau style that has recently swept through the catwalks of Paris and Milan, this alternate alternate uniform was deemed to be too much of a competitive advantage for the Huskers by the NCAA. Developed while the Guccinator was deep, deep in the jungles of Central America these virtually invisible uniforms are so stealthy that they make Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak look more like Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat. (*Author’s note: was that the nerdiest sentence I’ve ever typed? Close.) Despite not making the cut for the Huskers, NCAA President, Mark Emmert, has said that he will be seizing the intellectual property on these uniforms and attempting to sell them at auction to the highest international bidder. Because that’s just how he rolls.
Alternative’s Alternate #2
Designer: Midwest fashion mogul, Mordechai Hilgreth, IV
Why they didn’t make the cut: Dreamt up after a night of peyote, corn-grain-alcohol, and watching the SyFy channel at 3:15 in the morning, these uniforms were a desperate fever-dream’s attempt to pay homage to the The Children of the Corn. However, with modern day science revealing that these wide-brimmed “helmets” are more concussion-prone than an X-Games competitor and adding in the fact that the home-spun burlap fibers of the uniform would undoubtedly give the players a brutal, debilitating rash, the uniforms just weren’t able to make the cut.
Martinez does look pretty damn adorable as a psychopathic, Bible-twisting, cult leader though, doesn’t he?
Alternative’s Alternate #3
Designer: Covert-ops specialists from the CIA
Why they didn’t make the cut: these top-secret disguises, designed by some of the brightest minds at the Central Intelligence Agency were designed to help the Huskers seamlessly blend into enemy forces. Oh, you think that’s one of your teammates playing wide receiver, UCLA? Psych! That’s Kenny Bell and he just handed the ball off to Randy Gregory for a Husker touchdown. Unfortunately these disguises work far better for the Cold War or a Jason Bourne movie (*Author’s note: Come back to Nebraska, Matt Damon! Come back!) and are the definition of cheating. For that reason, we had to cast them aside. For now. . .
Alternative’s Alternate #4
Designer: The designs were sent in under a nearly-impossible-to-crack pen name: Po Belini. This designer’s true identity is unknown, and any tips available would be a big help.
Why they didn’t make the cut: After many long hours of soul-searching the athletic department decided to scrap the idea of coaches also wearing “alternate uniforms.” Even though these unis were easily the hippest, the trendiest, and the most “alternative” of all the options presented, Shawn Eichorst decided that the last thing the defense would need was coach Papuchis shouting at them from a black pleather trench coat while rocking a v-neck. It looks like, yet again, Husker fans will be denied what they want most in the world: to see Bo Pelini with an emo haircut and a slender tie, chewing out a referee.