It’s that time of year, Husker fans. When we’re all hopped up on giving thanks, cranberry sauce, and remembering our forefathers’ pre-genocide festivities with the Native Americans all those years ago. But before you push aside your 6th helping of stuffing and your third gravy-filled butter ball, let’s pause for a moment and remember what really matters. Football. And football. And making fun of Iowa.
I know we may be out of the Big Ten title race but, c’mon guys!, our glass is still half full. With liquor. So fill it the rest of the way up, plant your going-into-diabetic-shock-from-too-much-pie ass on the couch and kick back with a fresh drinking game to help ease the pain of an 11 AM matchup that will hopefully catapult us into the Outback bowl. Print this off, crack open a cold one (or 12) and let’s play the Huskers V.S. Hawkeyes drinking game.
Take One Drink:
– Anytime you hear the term “hot seat.”
– Anytime you hear the word “embattled.”
– Someone you’re watching the game with shouts out, “Put in Johnny Stanton!”
– Kenny Bell removes his helmet and dumps buckets and buckets of glorious ‘Fro follicles into the crisp November wind.
– **OBLIGATORY STOCK FOOTAGE THAT PROLIFERATES THE MYTH THAT ALL OF NEBRASKA IS, IN FACT, A GIANT FIELD OF CORN ALERT**
– Anyone says they’re thankful for Husker football. Or beer.
(*Author’s note: bonus drink if they claim they’re thankful for both at the same time.)
– If you agree with me that Vodka Samm should’ve been one of the halftime honorees for “The Heroes Game.”
– Imani Cross slams through the Iowa defensive line so hard that you suddenly realize Miley Cyrus was actually nudey-riding him during the “Wrecking Ball” music video shoot.
Take Two Drinks:
– If anyone claims they miss Taylor Martinez. Then punch them.
– **FOOTAGE OF THE HUSKERS EATING A TEAM-SPONSORED TURKEY DINNER ALERT**
– If someone makes a bad play and anyone you’re with makes a lame “tryptophan” joke.
– The announcers refer to the game by its tragically comedic name, the “Heroes Game” and you throw up a little in your mouth
– Tim Beck calls an option play with our slowest quarterback in 6 years. On third down.
– Randy Gregory makes a Randy Gregory play.
– Iowa’s Mark Weisman slams through the Huskers’ d-line like he’s a student teacher playing Red Rover with the kids at recess.
– The announcers do a quick season recap that shows Penn State botching a gimme field goal, our long drive against Michigan, and our hail Mary against Northwestern that leave you shaking your head at how close we were to having another 3 losses.
– When you realize that we’re essentially starting any fat kid we could find on campus that has two working knees on our offensive line.
– The Huskers get more royally screwed than Kate Middleton on her wedding night, Bo loses his mind, and screams at the ref like a guy who might’ve just lost his job. Because he might’ve just lost his job.
Take Three Drinks:
– When we throw a bubble screen to our white walk-on from Grand Island and seemingly expect it to work.
– If, at any point, you find yourself believing that Carl Pelini is secretly back on staff and is calling the plays from behind a Scarface sized pile of blow, with a callgirl on each knee like some kind of pervtacular Santa Claus.
– When the cameras cut to Bo and he looks like he hasn’t slept since the UCLA game.
– **JORDAN WESTERKAMP’S MUSTACHE PLAYING THE FACE-CARD ALERT**
– Ron Kellogg scrambles. No, not eggs. I’m talking, he scrambles for a first down.
– Whenever the cameras inevitably find that one dude who looks like a Husker version of Pancho Villa. Because they always find that guy. He gets more screen time than Tom Hanks did in Castaway.
– If Stanley Jean-Baptiste gets an interception and everyone botches the pronunciation of his hyphenated last name. “Gene Baptiste?” “French-pronunciation Baptiste?” Just drink, son. Nobody knows.
– If an RKIII pass goes caroming off the hands of Quincy Enunwa.
– If Enunwa makes a great catch for a TD.
– If you realize that all Enunwa does is either stone-hands passes directly onto the turf when they’re thrown his way or catches it and takes that mofo to the house.
Chug it. . .Chug it. . .:
– Whenever you hear: “Looks like someone had a little too much Turkey yesterday. AHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR.”
(*Author’s note: bonus drinks if that someone they’re referring to is Ron Kellogg.)
– You catch yourself laughing at Kirk Ferentz’s Titanically huge and Titanically tragic salary.
– You suddenly realize that Kirk Ferentz’s has won one more BCS bowl game than Nebraska has in the last 10 years.
– If ABC cuts away to a cutaway shot of the Huskers’ facilities and you see Carl Pelini wandering around the premise: