No Vaseline: Mike Riley’s BYU Diss Track

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Mike Riley is a different type of coach.  That much has been established.  His calm, even-keeled demeanor has been well documented, both locally and abroad and it’s this gentle, kind approach that has garnered him a reputation as “the nicest coach in football” by some.

So what does a guy like Riley do when he’s looking for a little extra motiviation?  What does he do when his team has the biggest home opener in recent memory during a transitional period with a ton on the line?  He digs deep into his bag of tricks to pull out all the motivational tactics that he can.

We here at No Coast Bias were able to obtain an audio recording (*Author’s note: which seems to be kind of a recurring theme in these parts) of Coach Riley’s speech to the team after Thursday’s practice.  It’s something to behold.  In spite of the at-times-tough-to-hear audio, we transcribed as much of the speech below as possible.

MC Riley here to get you turnt
Flame-on sucka, here to get you burnt
Run into town on your old white Bronco?
Now you runnin’ like OJ from the Popo
Lookin’ like straight bozos.
I’m on a quest for a ring, you can call me Frodo.
And I stay on fleek,
And you know I keep my khakis with a cuff and a pleat.
Livin’ with the wives, one Big Love,
17 wedding rings, how you afford it, bruh?
Struck Oil like JR from Dallas
What makes you think I give 1 fuck about Corvallis?
Slice you up just like a fish filet.
50 linebackers call ‘em shades of Bray
Dedicate this hit like Casey Casem
Comin’ Head-hunting for that boy named Taysum
My dude Kalu’ll have your squad in shackles
Better head back to your Tabernacle.
Salt Lake City, Here’s a little ditty
I know Brigham’s in Provo, but that city’s too shitty
Going country on your ass, call me Conway Twitty
Bo pelini’s gone and so’s his little kitty.
That cat’s all gone, it’s got no more lives
Now I’m comin’ for you Bronco and your sister wives
Tryin’ to hide your suspensions, really?
Gonna light that ass up, smoke you like a philly.
It’s Mike on the mic, I won’t stop like Yeezus
I ride a bike to work, when I’m not in my Prius
Running up the score, gettin’ more and more.
Shouldn’t ya’ll be in suits & ties going door to door?
with no vaseline…

“Damn, it feels good to see people…on it”

Riding on that ass like a human ramp
It’s Tommy goin’ deep to Westerkamp.
I go on & on, like a Kanye speech
Rhyme’s so sharp they’re like a knife from Screech
Who knew a corn cob’d be so good for shanking,
Taysum face down on the turf, he planking.
You guys are back to back, more like cheek to cheek.
Huddled together in fear of Maliek.
Husker fans know I’m not panderin’
Call Nate Gerry’s hits: Gerrymanderin’.
As for running backs, the list goes on.
Pardon my interruption, it’s Mikhail Wilbon.
Or we might go with Newby around the edge.
Bronco’s looking to jump, get him away from the ledge.
My wife’s at home, knitting me a sweater
Stitching on letters that say “Fuck Koy Detmer”
If this is Bates Motel, you can call me Norman
callin’ my play book the Book of Mormon.
I’m a seasoned vet, this shit ain’t new
when we’re through, Bronco is turned to glue
Only pretend to be nice, I got words for your Mom
cheatin’ then beatin’ charges like Teflon Tom
Silent assassin, shhh, don’t tell
I drop diss tracks, I never yell
There’s no place like Nebraska
Cookin’ up that ass like it’s baked Alaska
Your boats full of holes, looks like you need my caulk
Somedoby drop the beat to the Tunnel Walk
head to the field, this ain’t no drill
I just went Drake, Bronco’s Meek Mill.
the Villain does get fucked…with no vaseline.

FIN

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Chris Hatch is the content manager and senior writer for NoCoastBias.com.Contributor since: May 2012Present location: The 402Twitter: @burnpoetrySports Coverage: Anything but NASCARFavorite Sports Moment: Alex Henery's 57-yard Field goal against Colorado in 2008Chris Hatch’s sports “claims to fame” include:Winning a pleather-banded watch for taking first place in the 4xMile Relay at the Kansas Relays, walking past Ndamukong Suh outside a sandwich shop, and I once checked Joe Ganz's Dad into a hotel that I worked at.

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