The Spring game at Nebraska is almost here.
This cover band of sport, this delicious O’Douls version of football — that quenches our thirst for a brief period of time — still tastes pretty damn good when faced with the prospect of another 4-5 months of waiting for the real thing to arrive. So, when it arrives in Lincoln, Nebraska, we chug that imitation beverage down with vigor and we raise our hands to sing right along with the Karaoke chorus of almost-football. It’s a beautiful time for Husker fans in the state of Nebraska, and those following along on tape delay (*Author’s note: even though no one even knows where to find a tape these days) on BTN.
Whether you’re going to the game or pulling up a couch cushion to catch the replay, keep your eyes out for these 5 Main Types of Spring Game fans.
Too Lit to Quit
You’re the type of fan that’s so happy that football is back, if even for a moment, that you’re going to storm that parking lot tailgate like it’s Normandy Beach during D-Day. You’ve been cooped up. Penned in. Your pastie midwestern skin looks like you’ve been using SPF Eichorst and it’s finally time. For. You. To. Get. Out.
You’re basically one of those genetically tampered with monsters in the Sci-Fi movie when their holding cells suffer some cataclysmic failure and they come pouring out.
Make no mistake, the football players aren’t the only ones looking to use this as a trial run for the fall. You, too, are out here looking to hone your chops in a non-gameday environment. While the team is working on new offensive sets, you’re trying out new craft brews. While the defense is running the same type of front 6 plays in a row until Bob Freaking Diaco feels like they got it right, you’re testing out the coal temperature on that new grill you got for Christmas.
You’re so blasted that, by the time the game kicks off, you’ve forgotten what’s happening and you’re fully convinced it’s fall and this is a showdown against the Wisconsin Badgers. Spring break may be over for the college kids, but this is your moment. When the drumline comes out and that beat drops, so do you: like it’s hot.
You’re the fan who is going to take whatever you see down the field, twist it around, and try to spin it . Did that QB just throw an interception into triple coverage? No problem. That’s just the defense showing that their renewed focus on turnovers is paying off. Did we just drop our 3rd screen pass of the game? Fake news. Those weren’t dropped passes. They were gravitationally impacted leather ricochets.
The rest of the fanbase isn’t sure if you’re delusional, insane, or if you just snorted some kind of off-brand Ritalin in the port-a-potties over on 9th street before the game. If anyone asks you a logical, intelligent question that is in opposition to one of your viewpoints, you’re likely to shout at them and look for the nearest podium to climb like a defensive King Kong on the Empire State Building. One thing is for sure: it doesn’t matter how many times cold, hard logic is smashed over your head like a steel folding chair, you’re just going to keep coming.
You’re the fan that’s convinced that Chicken Little was actually Nostradamus and accurately predicted Nebraska’s demise. Not only is the sky falling, it is raining down Biblical fire from above that will certainly envelop the entirety of our program, loved ones, and any last remnants of the ’90s Husker programs that you still have tattooed on your pectoral.
With each false start you howl like a lycanthrope, mid-transformation, on a full, moonlit night. With each non-run, you demand debate, looking feverishly around your section full of blasphemers for a Skip Bayless to your Stephen A Smith. Enjoy the game. Enjoy stress-eating your Runza while deploring the state of the fullback at the university in its post-Janovich years.
You’re the fan that knows every 4th string tight end walk-on from Shickley, Nebraska and is actively excited to watch the 2nd string right guard to determine if he’s pulling better than he was last year at this time. In past eras: you’d be a nerd. Now that nerds literally don’t exist and no one ever has to grow out of things, every niche has a home on the internet, and Google can answer even the most obscure of questions in a matter of seconds you’re able to hone that ridiculous tome of knowledge like a knife on a whetstone. Just remember: don’t be a know-it-all, even if you do.
Boys That Are the Squarest, Girls That Are the Fairest
Basically, these are the rest of the fans.
Sure, there’s about a billion subsets Husker fan phylum, but when you’re traipsing out there because the game is cheap, the weather is good, and your kid wants to talk about how bad drugs are in a stadium full of people during a pledge: then you fit this category. If you’re going because you love the feeling of those clouds rolling back, sliding off our prairie sky like the sarcophagus lid being slid off winter’s tomb in an official zombie-rising ceremony? Welcome to your beach front property at the Sea of Red. If you’re going to let the blessed, holy smell of tailgate smoke and ice-cold grown-up drinks lead you like a Choose Your Own Adventure of sports euphoria? Come on down.
All these different types of fans? They all connect like dots to form a big picture of what makes this town, this state, and this tradition just so damn fun. Which one are you? Because, regardless of your type of fanning, there’s one thing we can all agree on: spring is here. Let’s get sprunk.