You know how the Stranger Things kids named the big baddie in season 1 after a menacing demon prince from the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons? Now imagine if instead of rolling with “Demogorgon” the Hawkins gang decided to call the monster something far less fear-inducing. Maybe something like, say, “Duckbunny,” another monster in the D&D universe. Doesn’t have the same effect, does it?
Bad ass things need bad ass names. That’s why I’m demanding the NBA community stop using the term “Unicorn” when labeling the current crop of seven-footers with unworldly skill sets. First off, we don’t want to give Bronies the wrong idea about today’s NBA. Secondly, “Unicorn” only accounts for the rarity of what we’re seeing and not the devastation these behemoths are inflicting on opposing teams. Nor does it account for the versatility these guys bring to the table.
With all that in mind, here are a few labels I think we should consider in replacing the term “Unicorn”.
The term conjures up terror and accounts for these long-legged freaks’ ability to race down the court in what seems like three steps. Reapers can navigate through different realms with ease, just like the Greek Freak can do this…
Consider your soul snatched if you get matched up with a reaper.
From Wikipedia: Cthulhu’s appearance is described as looking like an octopus, a dragon, and a caricature of human form.
If versatility is the name of the game for these revolutionary ballers, you could do worse than labeling them after a mythical creature that kill you in so many ways. Bonus points for this term fitting naturally next to names like Jokic, Porizingis, Embiid and Antetokounmpo.
Sentinels are some of the most feared beings in the X-Men universe, and rightfully so. Their sole purpose is to hunt mutants and they have skills for days.
From Wikipedia: Sentinels are technologically advanced, and have exhibited a wide variety of abilities. They are armed (primarily with energy weapons and restraining devices), capable of flight, and can detect mutants at long range. They possess vast physical strength, and their bodies are highly resistant to damage.
Yeah, that’s basically Giannis.
I don’t know who started christening all these guys unicorns, but it’s obvious we can do better. Join me in my quest to eradicate this label from the NBA lexicon.