As I was casually streaming NBC’s online coverage of the men’s decathlon I was greeted by a familiar face. No, it wasn’t Ashton Easton. He was there, too, though. It was in fact, none other than the currently “retired” Kobe Bryant.
I know what you’re thinking. But, Chris, Kobe couldn’t possibly be in Rio de Janeiro right now. He just gave an interview with Time Warner Cable sporting a beard and talking about life after sports and how he hadn’t given a trip to Rio any thought.
Then tell me this, you smug-ass detractor: WHY. IS. HE. COMPETING. FOR. CANADA. RIGHT. NOW?
And don’t you dare tell me that’s not Kobe himself, getting ready to chuck up a 16-pound shot like it’s a super-hard, ill-advised long two pointer. Sure the bib might say “Warner” and country might have a maple leaf on the flag, but that is 100% Kobe.
Oh, you think you can’t just add some camel-hair stubble-beard and set up a smoke-screen interview if you’re the Black Mamba? He lives in Hollywood. Those kind of makeup artists are a dime a dozen.
Where have we seen that look before? The intense concentration. The mini-fist-pump? Those eyebrows? Kobe. Bryant.
I get it. This only kind of makes sense. But take a look at the photo evidence and tell me I’m wrong. Besides, you think a guy as competitive as Kobe wouldn’t sit down with Justin Trudeau’s Luke Wilson-looking ass and come up with a scheme to get him on a Canadian national team?
So start spreading the word. No Coast Bias is onto you, Kobe Bryant. I get it. You’re not ready to hang up those Mamba shoes and slither off into the Hollywood nightlife-lit sunset. But, Canada? At least don’t be a traitor.
I’m starting to become concerned that maybe the Canadian prime minister arranged some kind of under the table agreement to swap Justin Bieber for Kobe. After all, The Biebs did just delete some social media accounts which would make for the perfect cover story.
Are you behind this Obama? The American and Canadian people demand answers. Well, the Canadians will probably politely ask you for an explanation. But we want to know. Why, oh why, have you forsaken us Kobe?