The Kardashian Curse is Real and Terrifying: Here is the Origin Story Of How It Came to Be

The past few games of the NBA Finals have seen the Cleveland Cavaliers getting roundly curb-stomped by the Golden State Warriors.

You probably already know this, as the Warriors have exploded to a 3-0 lead and look for all the world like they’re unstoppable.

Among the many victims of this frenetic, Michael-Bay-Movie-pace of a basketball series was one Tristan Trevor James Thompson. Here’s his stat line from the past few games:

Obviously, that’s not great.

And, when viewed through the prism of Thompson’s gargantuan $15,330,000 per year salary, and the fact that he was such a difference maker on the offensive glass and as a defender in last year’s finals: there’s no way you can rationalize his poor performance thus far.

He has been out rebounded by Stephen Curry. That stat alone should shock the basketball world.

While Thompson has never been a particularly flashy, stat-box-filler, this slow start — along with the Cavaliers’ massive struggles on the defensive end in particular — have put Cleveland directly behind the proverbial 8-ball. Of cocaine. That’s probably being snorted by Dan Gilbert and his frat-boy homies while cruising around on his private jet.

But this collapse by Thompson in particular, who at 25 years of age is hardly the aging vet that some of the Cavs bench players are, and who is a crucial piece of Cleveland’s LeJigsaw Puzzle was a stunning turn of events.

It begs the question: what happened between last year and this year that would be a momentous enough shift as to derail what appeared to be a career on the up-swing?

What force could snuff out the light of one of Cleveland’s post-season torches from a mere 365 days ago?

The Kardashian Curse. A well-documented, popular theory that explains a lot about what’s happening to Cleveland this NBA Finals. The ties run deep, the proof is supernatural, and the curse is real.

But what are the origins of the Kardashian curse? How did it begin?

To find the answer to these questions, we’ll have to look back. Way back. Let us begin…

July 9, 1947

  • Orenthal James Simpson is born in San Francisco, California. Yup, we’re going there right away.

March 14, 1952

  • OJ’s parents separate, a split that devastates the young and impressionable little boy and will set about a life-long pursuit of acceptance and the feeling that family can provide.

November 5, 1955

  • While an 8-year-old OJ is running around the streets of San Francisco, Kristen “Kris” Mary Jenner is born in San Diego, California.

October 12, 1962

  • Simpson, believing he has finally found the community that was  lacking at home, begins to dabble in crime with his new-found “family”: a street gang named The Persian Warriors. The gang derived its name from its connections to the local immigrant community and their belief in some of the practices of the ancient Zoroastrian religion.

  • As part of this group’s ritualistic initiation rights, each member was required to swear blood fealty to Ahriman, the dark lord of Zoroastrianism.
  • Simpson, swept up in youthful vigor and peer pressure finishes the blood-sacrifice to the ancient prince of darkness, inadvertently opening a portal to a dark, foul, and evil plane of existence that will have untold and profound ramifications on his life from this day forward.

Spring, 1966

  • OJ Simpson is one of the top junior college players in the country and has just landed a scholarship at the University of Southern California.
  • While there, Simpson finds himself enjoying some down time from football by pursuing another sporting love: Tennis.

  • While on the college tennis courts at Southern Cal, Simpson ends up taking on a young Armenian-American in a fierce tennis match who is about to graduate college with a degree in business administration: Robert Kardashian.
  • The two quickly bond over their shared love of tennis, beautiful Hollywood women, and big aspirations.
  • Over the next few months, the two new-found BFFs also find that they have another, stranger, passion in common: a deep fascination with the supernatural realm. Kardashian and Simpson find an uncommon bond in their dual belief in the occult. Kardashian’s own beliefs are deeply rooted in the ancient Armenian folklore and mysticism of the old country and Simpsons are still firmly attached to his early life in the Persian Warriors.
  • Simpson and Kardashian begin to spend more of their time together dabbling in the dark arts, often times sneaking down to one of the off-campus book stores to look at ancient tomes related to human sacrifice, possession, and satanic rituals.

October 31, 1968

  • Simpson and Kardashian, having maintained a close friendship over the past few years meet up for their annual Halloween party, an event sponsored on campus by Kardashian’s friends at the Freemason Lodge #307 from nearby Santa Monica Palisades.
  • At this Halloween party, what is intended to be a farcical, make-believe séance to communicate with the ghost of a former USC English Professor who allegedly haunted the stacks of the campus library takes a sudden, undeniably dark turn.


  • While Simpson, Kardashian, and his new wife Kris are all holding hands around their sidewalk-chalked pentagram and asking silly questions: Kardashian and Simpson have their own sinister, ulterior motives.
  • Kris, long believed by Robert to have many of the ancient Armenian qualities that would lend themselves to possession based mysticism, has his theory proven correct: his new bride becomes a conduit for the Zoroastrian Prince of Darkness, fulfilling the blood oath sworn by Simpson some 6 years earlier.
  • When the friends inform the Master Mason at the gathering he invokes a secret Masonic right, swearing the three to silence and immediately giving membership to both Simpson and Kardashian.

January 28, 1969

  • The Buffalo Bills select Simpson with the first overall pick in the NFL/AFL draft. Simpson, with behind the scenes urging from his confidant Kardashian and at the behest of the Freemasons — an organization that Simpson had become dutifully loyal to, both financially and emotionally, having once again found the sense of brotherhood he so longed for — holds out for what would be the highest dollar contract in pro sports history at the time.

September 1969-September 1971

  • Simpson struggles in his first few seasons as a Buffalo Bill. It’s cold, he feels isolated, and he is constantly struggling to keep his dual life as a Zoroastrian-worshipping, Freemason disciple hidden from the “good and decent folks” of Buffalo, New York.

Image result for OJ Buffalo Bills 1971

  • During this time, Kardashian continues to build his budding business empire, utilizing connections within the Freemason ranks to build connections in the industrial world, he rockets up the ranks with his wife.
  • Kris, once a willing participant to the Freemasons’ grand plans, has grown weary of the constant brushes with the dark side of the universe; now a frequent subject of hypnosis and paranormal experimentation by OJ and others, she is beginning to privately search for a way out.

NFL Off-Season, 1972

  • Worried that his NFL career has gotten off to such a slow start, OJ holds a private meeting with a special, even more secretive sect of the Freemasons: the order of the Illuminati. (*Author’s note — Because: it always comes back to the Illuminati, y’all.)
    Image result for illuminati freemasons
  • Wielding their enormous influence over all rich, shady business types (*Author’s note — Read: every NFL owner ever) they pressure Bills management to hire Lou Saban. Saban immediately makes OJ the focal point of the offense.
  • Aging, run down, and staring down a monster contract with an under-performing stat-line, Simpson is desperate for this final coaching change to work. He sets a meeting with his old friend, Robert Kardashian to try to broker a deal with the shadowy Illuminati leadership.
  • The Illuminati leverage OJ’s powerful connection to Ahriman and Kardashian’s wife’s psychic intuition to perform a powerful bloodletting ceremony in which OJ drinks a human spagyric enabling him to become reinvigorated.

1972-1976 NFL Seasons: 

Here are OJ’s Stats from before and then after the Illuminati-fueled blood spagyric:

The 1977 NFL Season

  • Seemingly unstoppable on the football field, with increasingly gigantic levels of fame and fortune rolling his way, Simpson is continuing the semi-annual spagyrics, aided and abetted by an increasingly-disturbed-by-his-role Kardashian and the heavily paid Illuminati. However, as he continues to age and absorb punishment, Simpson continues to need more and more of these heinous potions.
  • Finally, in 1977, the Illuminati have a restructuring of leadership and realize that the potential for connection to ancient vampiric blood-cocktails is something they need to keep a tighter wrap on. A furious Simpson is restricted in his usage of the spagyrics and succumbs to injury in the 7th game of the season.

NFL Off-Season 1978

  • OJ’s fame his risen to such a level that he no longer feels that he needs football. As he is traded from the Bills to his hometown San Francisco 49ers, his mind is no longer on the field, but racing off of it.Image result for oj injured 1977

December 1979

  • Running low on his healing, vile elixirs, Orenthal James Simpson plays his final football game. Battered. Hobbled. He would land on his feet almost immediately, utilizing his magnetic personality and his connections with the secret society to gain notoriety and fame as a celebrity, actor, and broadcaster.


  • During these years, life continues to be good to both Simpson and Kardashian. Each man enjoys great success both professionally and financially, reaping the rewards of their pact with the Zoroastrian demigod. Kardashian eventually retires from his thriving law practice to focus on business interests and Simpson takes up acting full time.

December 21, 1984

  • During the Illuminati’s most unholy of rituals, their Winter Solstice cross-over communication, in which they attempt contact with demonic spirits and ask for their guidance in obtaining great wealth and power — an event attended annually by Simpson and Kardashian alike — Kris Kardashian is once again possessed by OJ’s old friend: Ahriman.
  • Ahriman possesses Kris to such an extent that she immediately becomes pregnant with child. Due to Ahriman’s previous dealings with Simpson — his truest, most powerful human disciple — this child will be genetically similar to OJ and Kris. In 9 months, when she is born, Robert, Kris and OJ will conceal her true origins. They will name her Khloe.

March 1991

  • While Simpson has entered into a tumultuous, at times violent, marriage with Nicole Brown for the past 6 years, Kardashian’s wife has finally worked up the courage to leave after enduring years of ritualistic hypnosis to further the dark goals of ancient evil and Illuminati shadows. She divorces Kardashian and, fearing for her safety immediately enters into a high-profile marriage with the one man famous enough and rich enough to keep the forces of international subterfuge at bay: Bruce Jenner.

  • Simpson, in dire need of a new conduit to continue his communications with the Dark Lord, attempts to bring Nicole into the inner sanctum of his increasingly violent and debauched occult rituals; practices that, as he has fought the aging process and the pursuant degeneration of his football-battered body, he has continued to voraciously take part in. However, she is repulsed by his dedication to an ancient, evil God and has none of the kinetic/psychic leanings of her friend, Kris and is — as such — of no use for The Juice’s pursuit of ill-gotten youth.

February 25, 1992

  • Simpson’s wife files for divorce. Her leaving quickly sends OJ into a satanic tailspin. With his wife gone, he throws himself wholeheartedly into the darkest of his dark pursuits. As usual, his good friend Robert Kardashian is there to assist him.
  • Having recently gotten divorced himself, and reeling over the break up of his own family, Robert and Simpson dive even deeper into the inner circle of the Illuminati’s version of the occult.
  • Practicing much of the same hypnosis-induced trances to generate memory loss, the two men continue to bring in Kardashian’s youngest, Khloe, to be used as a communication device to Ahriman in the other world.
  • However, her repeated brushes with the dark lord leave an tangible imprint on her. A kind of radioactive sheen that clings to her, trailing her and leaving behind almost imperceptible clues. Ahriman’s fingerprints are there, but he is clearly waiting. For what? The Illuminati scholars and the two friends who created her aren’t sure yet.
  • One thing is for sure, Kardashian and Simpson crossed a threshold long ago with their deeds, and now the astral leakage was seeping into the members of their families.

June 12, 1994

  • With instructions from Ahriman, OJ finally is called to pay the price for his previous oath of fealty to the Prince of Zoroastrian Darkness. He is instructed to take the lives of two humans and to give them up to his master.
  • Orenthal James Simpson, driven mad by his years of fervent, sycophantic obedience to the occult, complies.

I feel like you probably know the remaining story about OJ. What you may not know is what occurs with Ahriman’s now-star pupil: Khloe.

  • Khloe would continue to gradually gain in supernatural strength, not knowing that she had essentially been turned into a human blackhole, pulling all of those around her nearer to Ahriman and her father’s dark legacy.

Image result for ahriman

  • Ahriman, ever hungry for the life-blood of the human race continues to reach through Khloe and — as time has gone on and his influence has grown — her sisters and family members. His hand guides their paths, ever-present and ever looming.
  • He uses the Kardashian girls to get closer to the most vibrant, the strongest humans among us: athletes, in order to drain them and feast on the very marrow of their spirits, ruining them publicly before he drives the girls to move on.
  • And, as for the Illuminati? Those purveyors of the occult and those power players always lurking in shadows and half-truths? They’re still there. Still pulling the strings of those in power. They even have implanted one of their top ranking undercover operatives with the Kardashian Family with the purposes of keeping an eye on Khloe and her continued supernatural growth.

  • Were you surprised by Tristan Thompson’s no show in the Finals? Shocked that a man so close to a woman so connected to the darkest parts of the Illuminati, the occult, and one of the most notorious men in American history? Don’t be.

Stay Woke America.

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