Jurassic World fever is hitting the nation today like a pack of flying pterodactyls. And before we revel in all of our CGI-induced stupors, Chris Pratt-fawning, and ’90s nostalgia brought back to the big screen let’s take a quick moment to break down the cameo possibilities that could/should have been added into this new iteration of one of my favorite childhood movies.
Because, let’s face it: we love cameos. They’re fun, allow us to winkingly let the audience in on the joke, and give the meme-crowd something to internet-roar at with approval. So here are the best 7 that I could come up with. (*Author’s note: And, yes, I suck at photo-shopping, but I wanted to see what these cameos could potentially look like had Spielberg had the stones to executively produce them into this film.
Who: The Ghost of Dennis Nedry
When: During a scene in which panicking people are forced to run and seek shelter from the dinosaurs that have broken loose and are seemingly hell-bent on exacting animalistic revenge on the park-goers. What’s that? So you’re telling me that that’s pretty much the entire movie? Okay, well just stick him in during this scene here.
Why: Because Nedry was incredible. He was scummy. Sleazy. And his death-from-diabetes ghost would add some much-needed ’90s fashion to this futuristic thrill-ride.
Who: Chris Bosh
When: Any time the raptor pack is shown on-screen.
Why: Because Bosh looks exactly like he belongs in a snarling pack of Velociraptor mongoliensis that can only be trained by the fearless and ruggedly handsome Chris Pratt. Also, we know that Bosh has had some free time on his hands and that he works best when being told what to do by the alpha male of a pack (See: James, LeBron).
Who: The Genetically Cloned Robert Muldoon
When: During the scenes that feature Bryce Dallas Howard’s evil corporate monster attempting to do some deep thinking.
Why: Because someone as fashion forward as Howard’s character — the white dress and heels throughout the entirety of the movie — would undoubtedly need a khaki-on-khaki, high-sock-sporting right hand man. And Muldoon would fully support her agenda. The only issue? He was torn apart by raptors in spite of being the pre-Pratt Pratt character. But, this is Jurassic World, right? Just clone him, grow him in a lab, and make him say “Clever girl.” over and over to anyone who will listen.
Who: An aging Dr. Ian Malcolm
When: In the climactic scene — you know, when they inevitably start blowing everything up — a grizzled, ancient Ian Malcolm stumbles into the jungle with his patented flare, lights a pile of TNT and snarls at the Indominus Rex, “I’ve been waiting 22 years for this moment. Yippie ki-yay, dino-fuc–” and then the jungle blows up.
Why: If I really need to explain to you why we need a vengeance-crazed, kamikaze mission from Dr. Ian Malcolm, then you should’ve stopped reading this article 450 words ago.
Who: Donald Gennaro, Jr.
When: In the shocking introduction when this insane dino-water-monster is fed before a live audience.
Why: Donald’s father, too, succumbed to the wiles of Jurassic Park 22 years earlier and his son had attempted to come back and re-suggest “Coupon Day”. In today’s society we either use Groupon or nothing and so, in a back-alley deal with the online discount service, the Jurassic World management decides to send a message to any blood-sucking lawyers who might try to waltz in and reduce their profit margin.
Who: A computer-generated hologram of legendary badass Ray Arnold
When: During the dramatic reveal of the newest genetically altered species, Samuel L. Jackson is brought back to life via computer to remind everyone exactly what they need to do and what they should be holding onto.
Why: Because a chain-smoking, tough-talking, computer genius from the past is actually the only way that the park can be saved. However, they will have to use the advanced holographic technology of the future in order to channel the genius of Ray Arnold.
Who: Dr. Ian Malcolm. . .again.
When: When the token Asian scientist is discussing the science behind breeding an Indominus Rex and everyone is, justifiably skeptical as to what DNA could create such a legendarily nasty beast.
Why: Because this would go down as the greatest plot twist in movie history. What if the missing ingredient to create this stone-cold, cold-blooded dino-killer was actually taken from somewhere deep in the loins of Dr. Ian Malcolm? Well Jurassic World would’ve gotten a whole lot cooler, for starters.