This morning the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Pettine, chose a starting quarterback. Or at least he announced it to the world this morning. You may have already guessed that, heard it through the 140-character digital grapevine, or even noticed “Hoyer” trending on Twitter for the first time in the history of the universe.
Pettine announced that Brian Hoyer had been “The clear leader from the start” in a statement he issued early this morning to the press. So that’s how he informed the media, and thereby the public, of his decision. But that got me to wondering: how did Pettine break the news to Johnny F. Heisman Football?
Here are some theories on how Mike Pettine relayed this devastating news to Johnny Manziel.
Theory #1: By attempting to put the decision into terms that Johnny would understand.
We all know that Manziel and rapper Drake are pretty tight. So what better way to let Manziel down easy than some customized artwork that will call to mind his bromance with his favorite rapper? I’m sure when Pettine hand-delivered this custom album cover Johnny probably understood exactly what had just happened.
Theory #2: By leaving the memo for Johnny in a place where he knew he’d find it.
If you want to get a hold of someone, learn their habits and leave them a message where they’re most likely to find it. I’m sure that Pettine and Manziel’s relationship has had some ups and downs, but if Pettine really wanted to communicate with Johnny he probably knew the best place to get the message across.
Theory #3: By shouting out, “I nominate the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, Brian Hoyer.” Moments before getting the only ice-bath he’ll probably ever get (*Author’s note: Because, Cleveland) in the Ice Bucket challenge.
It’s viral. It’s trendy. And it’s for a good cause? The only loser in this scenario is the stunned “Uncle Nate” as Manziel spits out his Bud Light platinum all over Uncle’s iPad in shock.
Theory 4: By Rocking a customized anti-Manziel jersey to practice this morning.
I predict that this jersey will go on to be one of the top sellers on NFL.com. Pettine better see if he can get a trademark on this one so he at least gets a chunk of the royalties.
Theory #5: By holding “The Decision II: Decision Harder” at a Boys and Girls Club of Cleveland, sitting down with Jim Gray and announcing that Brian Hoyer would be taking his talents to the starting lineup.
After Manziel rolls up a $20, snorts some blow off the chest of a supermodel, gives Jim Gray the finger and does the money sign directly in front of his crotch, the special is summarily canceled and the footage is burned in ESPN’s incinerator (*Author’s note: which is powered by the furnace of hot air spewing from Skip Bayless’ mouth on a daily basis).