Husker Football Staff as (Fake) Oregon Microbrews

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The Nebraska Cornhuskers play the Oregon Ducks this weekend.  If you’re one of the 1.8 milli diehard fans within the boundaries of the Cornhusker state, or if you’re an employee at Nike that isn’t a 12-year-old Taiwanese laborer, I’m sure you’re already well aware of the matchup.

While there are a surprising number of connections between the two programs themselves, even with former Oregon offensive coordinator Scott Frost now coaching at UCF, what stands out the most when looking at the Ducks and the Cornhuskers side by side is the staggering differences between their fan bases.

Coasts, cash “crops” (*Author’s note: *Cough* *Cough* *No, seriously, I took too big of a hit* Weed), politics, weather, and football tradition: all these things stand in stark contrast to one another.  But, here at No Coast Bias, we’re all about bringing two different fan bases together. We’re about uniting, not dividing, and there’s no better way to do that then beer.

We here in Nebraska truly love our brews and Oregonians are noted for their passionate embrace of the nationally-surging craft brewery scene.  So, I thought, why not mash-up craft brewing and Husker football?

So, slap on your elitist home-brewer mustache/facial hair, coif that hair into an impossibly perfect mess, turn on your Bon Iver, and grab your bucket of hops.  It’s time for Nebraska Huskers as Oregon microbrews.  Below the faux description is what each of the brewmasters would look like.

final-eich

Brewer Bio: Brewed in complete, cave-like darkness, this almost neon-pale Ale is the creation of Oregon legend: Shawn Whitehorst. Whitehorst first rose to prominence after he announced via his home brewing blog that he had circumvented the usual necessary millennia and had already taken the next step in the human evolutionary process, with his skin pigments literally developing into chalk.

Brewer’s Hipster Headshot:img_20160913_082945


riley

Brewer Bio: Created by Oregon’s self-proclaimed “Banksy of Brews”, the enigmatic and mask-wearing Riley Michael, this hilariously witty word play on a type of Belgian beer has quickly become a fan favorite for creepy mask aficionados and Simpsons fans alike.  So, literally everyone in Oregon.  The latest batch, dedicated to the Sea of Red, is called HiDiddlyHuskers and we were incredibly fortunate to get Riley Michael to de-mask below.

Brewer’s Hipster Headshot: img_20160913_084418


read

Brewer Bio: This beer was launched in the abandoned Oregon ghost town of Bohemia City.  Made from water harvested deep from the womb of the Earth, crafted lovingly by members of a shoeless commune who have all taken views of silence until Bernie Sanders is elected President in a recall election, a single bottle of this beer costs $150.  The brainchild of Bohemia City’s acting Mayor, Ruce Bead, you will find yourself screaming, “I paid how much for this?!?!?” more often than Husker fans everytime we fair catch a punt.

Brewer’s Hipster Headshot: img_20160913_092821


brrrra

Brewer Bio: Mysterious.  Cold Freakishly tapped into what 43-year-old women are repressing in their psyches.  All of this has been bottled up by the mysterious, mono-hued semi-perv simply called “Mr. Bray.”  Grab your tie, your belt, and don’t forget the bottle opener.

Brewer’s Hipster Headshot: img_20160913_091653


kw

Brewer Bio: Created by a governmentally mandated community service program, this non-alcoholic lager tastes great and is significantly less likely to get you arrested, thereby setting in motion a bunch of ill-advised Twitter jokes, snarky ass-baggery from Ohio State coaches, and teeth-gnashing on such a state-wide level that every dentist for 500 miles was able to buy a vacation home.

Brewer’s Hipster Headshot: img_20160913_093934


bank

Brewer Bio: This porter, commonly referred to as “Bank Drank” is a staple in the local microbrewing community.  Created accidentally by Micro-Brew legend Bark Manker, after a cough syrup mishap that nearly left him comatose, the Bank Drank is guaranteed to give you a good time.  Does it always work?  No.  Can it sometimes leak like a sieve from the bottle and leave you screaming swear words?  Yup.  Does it still sometimes seem to really hit the right spots?  Yup.

Brewer’s Hipster Headshot: img_20160913_085506

FIN

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Chris Hatch is the content manager and senior writer for NoCoastBias.com.Contributor since: May 2012Present location: The 402Twitter: @burnpoetrySports Coverage: Anything but NASCARFavorite Sports Moment: Alex Henery's 57-yard Field goal against Colorado in 2008Chris Hatch’s sports “claims to fame” include:Winning a pleather-banded watch for taking first place in the 4xMile Relay at the Kansas Relays, walking past Ndamukong Suh outside a sandwich shop, and I once checked Joe Ganz's Dad into a hotel that I worked at.

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