On May 1, 2013 the news struck like a trending fake-death of Justin Bieber. It ran rampant like a #throwbackthursday and was all over the internet like it was #ff. The NCAA was banning hashtags from the football fields of colleges and universities across the nation. What a bunch of #haters. The bulletin, sent out by the NCAA Rules Committee, essentially read: “blah-blah-blah-blabbity-bloobity, no hashtags” as illustrated by this very important looking image below.
Now, you may be a part of the social media backlash against the NCAA and their 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rules and their $5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 that they make off of the athletes that compete under their dictatorship, but there are some pretty important, pretty logical rules buried deep within the musty tomes of The Rulebook (*Author’s note: They would’ve made it look more important, but the guys in charge only know how to use Ctrl B, U, and I.)
While this latest desperate attempt to over-legislate the living hell out of the sporting world has garnered a lot of attention, here are some of the lesser known – but equally vital to the survival of college athletics and the continuation of the most sacred and holy of all “isms”, amateurism – rules that exist deep within that holy text. . .The Rulebook.
If any athlete is to get laid purely based on the fact that they are competing as a scholarship-level athlete, then they must give at least 45% of the ensuing props to the NCAA. This is to include any “bro-high-fiving”, “reverse-walk-of-shaming” back across campus, and/or bemused smirking in the 5th row of Comm. 212. The NCAA will not, however, be held responsible for any “walk-of-shame-ing”, awkwardly ignored text messaging, and/or disgusted, disappointed head shaking in the 5th row of Comm. 212.
Thou shalt be broke as a joke, drinking Diet Coke. However, all proceeds from any subsequent Diet Coke endorsement contracts will be subject to NCAA’s 100% fiduciary practices.
If any athlete engages in social media interactions on Facebook, they must accept any “friend” request from NCAA President Mark Emmert. Failure to do so will result in immediate expulsion from NCAA competition and/or repeated poking from said president.
If an athlete should sneeze while facing North-Northeast during a full moon, it is absolutely imperative that they throw a handful of salt over their left shoulder while chanting the following NCAA-approved message, “Oh holiest of holy, oh NCAA divine, I only bear the greatest love for you, and yours, and thine.” This will continue to ward off the evil spirits of professionalism, will keep bloodthirsty, diabolical agents at bay and will also protect against witches (*Author’s note: which is a legitimate problem in the NCAA these days.)
If, at any point, an athlete is deemed “too cool for school” the NCAA has the right to step in and force that student to attend lectures, on-campus meetings. You know, because that stuff is, like, super-important.
If, during the course of the year, the NCAA’s fingers get really tired of counting all of their money, they are allowed to use up to $300 Million of their funds to hire females dressed in school girl outfits to come in and count for them.
Any athlete seen gaining an unfair advantage while waiting in line for an event (i.e. a nightclub, a school function, etc.) that attempts to cut in line, based upon their status as an athlete will be subjected to the “No Cuts, No Buts, No Coconuts” clause in their NCAA-developed scholarship. Said athlete will be forced to go back to line and try it again.
Since we’re sure no one has read this far in, we just want to take this opportunity to say. . .suck it. BWAHAHAHA. No, seriously. Suck it.
If an athlete is caught with any controlled substance, the NCAA will have the primary confiscation rights to those items. They will be signed into the main offices where they will be thoroughly tested by NCAA staff. Strictly for, uh, investigative purposes.
If you are cool enough to have a sweet nickname, the NCAA reserves the right to crap all over it, rain on your parade, and not let you profit from it one bit. However, should the universities that you attend give us a fat cut of the profit they will make by marketing your likeness, we will pretend like that is completely okay.