College Football

Football 101: Your Guide to the 2013 Season

Today I concoct a list of things that all fans should know as we move forward into the 2013 football season. Some are obvious, others probably should be, and some I made to be funny but are probably still true.

Either way, I hope you all are as excited about this season as I am for Quarterback God being backed up by Quarterback Jesus, seventeen SEC schools on the preseason top ten lists, blown out knees instead of mind-blowing concussions, murder trials, college program probation watches…you know: football.

Without further ado, let’s get our road map going on the list of inevitable football factoids:

“Jesus Christ…Superstar…” (Courtesy NY Times)

  • Tom Brady and company will lose a game to a bad AFC East team and Boston will uniformly scream for more Tebow.
  • The Chicago Bears defense will score a touchdown in week one, spurning the headline: “Defense Dominates – Bears Win In Spite of Cutler”.
  • A 2012 NFL bottom feeder will start at least 4-1 causing tremendous excitement for the home fans before finishing 1-10. (I’m looking at you, Cleveland)
  • Tom Brady responds with seven straight wins and a 5:1 touchdown to interception ratio.
  • Charlie Weis will have snot on his upper lip for at least 45 seconds of on-air time per game.
  • A former University of Florida football player will be arrested, not counting additional charges to Aaron Hernandez.
  • You will think your fantasy football team name is far better than it is. (Mine is The Le’veon Bell of the Montee Ball. I’m awesome, I know.)
  • Lou Holtz will be called a homer by Mark May…and it will be accurate.
  • SEC fans will annoy you.
  • Week One in the NFL will include at least one head-shot fine and two botched referee calls in the endzone.
  • Johnny Manziel will get in trouble for something; TAMU will follow SEC policy of not penalizing him.
  • Notre Dame will somehow be both over- and under-rated.
  • A mediocre Pac-12 team will skyrocket to the top 15 before disappearing from the rankings within the next three weeks. (‘Sup Arizona State)
  • You will hear about all of these teams getting over the hump this season, yet none of them actually will: Kansas City Chiefs, Miami Dolphins AND Hurricanes, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Tennessee Titans, Tampa Bay Bucs, Michigan State, Nebraska, Mississippi State.
  • At least one team in the BCS Championship game won’t be the right one.
  • The ACC will be insanely over-hyped.
  • There should be at least three SEC teams in the BCS Championship game.
  • The Big Fourteen Ten is overrated.
  • Notre Dame will play at least ten bowl teams yet be told they play a cupcake schedule.
  • Roger Goodell will be accused of not liking the players.
  • Jerry Jones will wonder why his money doesn’t buy him championships anymore.
  • Mark May will still be an idiot.
  • The bowl games will suck until January.

And one not-so-brave prediction: Jadeveon Clowney will be so good for South Carolina this year that he’ll be the first player to win the Heisman and the NFL Rookie of the Year in the same season.

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