Tyler (@entryrevel) is the founder of EntryRevel.com, a satirical guide to and as escape from the real world for the underpaid and overserved millennial. He has been writing for NCB for roughly 3 days.
I’m pretty sure Facebook’s press release went something like this: “We will be able to breed and condition the next generation of emotionally damaged youth with these powerful new cyber bullying innovations.”
In a world where you can order pizza with an emoji, it was only a matter of time until Zuckerberg decided to create, er monetize, a stable of “Like”-esque buttons. For a generation that has redefined laziness with its ability to converse solely with pixelated emoticons, it will come as welcome news that you no longer have to hashtag to show your displeasure, jealously etc. In all likelihood this will be as colossal of a failure as the poke button and the “feelings” tags, but it couldn’t help but get us thinking about what Facebook buttons our generation needs right now:
The “Vom” Button. The logo could be something similar to the Roller Coaster Tycoon “spew splatters” that adorned your park if you didn’t hire janitors. This will be used mostly by single girls to show displeasure or disapproval of engagement photos of their exes, pictures of their exes at a pumpkin patch with their new bae or statuses posted by their exes about their mother having a GoFundMe setup to finance her life threatening surgery.
The “nomnomnom” Button: Even the Two Girls One Cup of the food porn world makes its onto the Internet these days. Successfully microwaving an Eggo waffle only confirms that you didn’t ride the short bus to school, not that you’re Emeril Lagasse. A Cookie Monster looking button (good luck getting those rights, Zuck) will separate the Iron Chefs from the Chef Boyardee’s. Your culinary creations will live and die by the approval of your social media followers.
The “Kanye” Button: This has nothing to do with being a “God among men” or “world altering artist” or even a mediocre rapper. This has everything to do with going on a bat shit crazy rant (see 2015 VMA’s). Everyone has a handful of what I like to call “Rush Limbaugh” social media friends. Their posts are long, incoherent, overtly political and likely drug fueled. Watch out, this guy attended 3 Poli Sci classes at the local Community College before dropping out for a position at the local hardware store. Hitting the “Kayne” button on his posts (or Kanye-ing as the kids will call it) wouldn’t just make him aware of the asshole he is, that might feed the fire, but limit his text and use of keywords including: 9/11, Hawaii, birther, Benghazi, tea party etc.
The “Creep” Button. Creeping is the backbone of Facebook and the only reason you get up in the morning. You look at other people to make yourself feel better and to try and be more like them. You spend countless hours on Facebook like a social media ninja, not commenting, liking and definitely signed off of chat – all so you can click through rando’s photos. But like a stalker leaving a calling card, you want the victim to subtly know you’re there. This is where the “Creep” button comes in. Just like breaking into their house and sniffing their undergarments, this button is completely anonymous but let’s your victim know you were snooping around.
The “AF” Button. AF has become a form of measurement. Pictures of fish, Man vs. Food-esque challenges and other relatively large items could be measured precisely with the AF button. Affirmation with the AF button will take your picture to legendary status. This will be popular among the yachting crowd at first and eventually devolve into a booty rating system.
The “Catfish” Button. What 400 pound guy living in his mothers basement hasn’t been approached by a former Victoria’s Secret Model for a strictly sexual relationship? Of course she needs $500 for a plane ticket first. The Internet would be a lot better place if there was a virtual Nev (and that old ass looking camera guy) getting his Sherlock Holmes on and acting like Mcafee anti-Catfish software. But there isn’t, so its up to the masses to call out these thieving con artists with the “Catfish” button. When pictures or offers from a girl seem too good to be true, the public offers their advice to let everyone know “she’s probably a dude”
Your move, Zuckerberg.