College Football

Encyclopedia ‘Skertanica: All the Cool-Kid Terminology to Help You For The 1st Game of the Season

With the Nebraska Cornhuskers’ season a scant few days away it’s time to make sure that you’ve got your mind right for the best part of the Fall. No Coast Bias has covered rational, coherent thoughts about the program and it’s been home to insane, meandering rants about the joys of the upcoming season.  All of that is great.  There is a place for every part and parcel of fandom as the napalm days of August give way to the glorious cocaine roller coaster that is college football.

So, what do you need to know about the upcoming Husker football season; a season that will be so plugged in digitally that you’ll have to be on top of your Tweet game and your Facebook statuses will need to be on point?  You’ve got to know the lingo.  You’ve got to be up on the cool terminology, the buzz words from BuzzFeed.  So, welcome to Husker English 101.  This is Encyclopedia ‘Skertannica.

Picks Out For Harambe: When Tommy Armstrong Is trying to throw a pass to one of the Gorilla Wideouts but something bad happens and the pass gets intercepted.

“Damn, I really thought we were going to get that Touchdown pass to Westerkamp in the end zone, but then…Picks out for Harambe.”


Trumping: Anytime the opposing offensive line is supposed to make a wall to keep Nebraska out, but they don’t even come close to actually doing it.

“Wow, look at that!  Freedom just got to their quarterback again. Their O-line is Trumping right now!”


Pierson-El Chapo: When it seems like Husker punt returner De’Mornay Pierson-El is completely trapped by the opponents, but then he miraculously finds a hole, that definitely shouldn’t be there, and escapes to freedom.

DPElChapo

“They were all around him on that punt return.  Their coverage was locked up so tight, but then he Pierson-El Chapo’d right past them.”


Trigger Warning: When everyone in the stadium can tell Tommy Armstrong is about to fire an ill-advised deep ball and you can already tell it’s going to go badly.

“It’s third and nine and we have the wind behind us.  Cover your eyes, man.  TRIGGER WARNING!”


Banker’s Dozen: Anytime the Huskers get a 12-men on the field penalty on defense.

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“Too many men on the field? Again?!?”
“Totally.  Banker’s Dozen.”


Facial Profiling: when opponents assume that Ross Dzuris is actually a just a creepy assistant that is hanging around the team to ask them if they “need any help washing your back” while holding a Loofah in the team locker room, based purely on his questionable facial hair choices.

Courtesy of: Huskers.com

“I figured they wouldn’t even let that guy get within 500-feet of a college campus, but I guess that was just facial profiling.”


Living Tavita Loca: when the offensive linemen generate a massive push at the line of scrimmage.

“They were outside then inside out, our tackles are living Tavita Loca!”


Netflix & Bill: When two people are watching Netflix and are about to hook up, but then one of them ruins the mood by inexplicably mentioning the 2007 football season when the Huskers were coached by Bill Callahan.

“So we were totally making out and she was giving me the vibe to go for it, but then I accidentally mentioned the time we gave up 76 points to Kansas and it turned into a total Netflix and Bill. She even gave me the throat slash!”


FRODO: Fear of getting run over by Devine Ozigbo.

“Did you see that DB shying away from contact in the hole? That’s a total FRODO.”


Knevel Longbottom: when David Knevel crash-lands all 6’9″ and 315 pounds of Canadian man-ass on top of a defensive lineman and he stays down at the bottom of the pile for a really long time.

LINCOLN, NEB., -- 03/08/2016 Nebraska offensive lineman David Knevel (77) is shown during practice at the Hawks Championship Center at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln, Neb., on Tuesday, March 8th, 2016. MEGAN FARMER/THE WORLD-HERALD

LINCOLN, NEB., — 03/08/2016
Nebraska offensive lineman David Knevel (77) is shown during practice at the Hawks Championship Center at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln, Neb., on Tuesday, March 8th, 2016. MEGAN FARMER/THE WORLD-HERALD

“Is that guy from Wisconsin dead, or what is going on?”
“Nah, I think he’ll be okay, but he is suffering from a major case of Knevel Longbottom.”


AF: Akinmoladun, Freedom.

“Who is that defensive end that keeps pressuring Oregon’s quarterback, and ehy does everyone keep quoting Mel Gibson from Braveheart?”
“Yeah, that’s our best pass rusher. He’s crazy AF.”


Mo Gone Challenge: When the opposing team’s fat offensive linemen are desperately trying to catch Mohamed Barry after he picks up a fumble and heads to the end zone.

“Did you see those chubby Iowa lineman trying to catch up to Barry after he pulled that scoop and score? Just another Mo Gone Challenge!”


Major Pee Alert: The message all the players send one another when they find out Mike Riley has ordered team drug testing.

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“WAKE UP, MAN! I JUST HEARD COACH IS MAKING US ALL DO DRUG-TESTING TODAY. MAJOR PEE ALERT!!!!”


Cethered: When Cethan Carter catches a short pass and freighttrains a smaller defender that was foolish enough to try to get in his way.

Zimbio

“You know what?  I actually feel bad for that safety.  Dude just got Cethered.”


Mid-Fyfe Crisis: When a grown man that’s hammered drunk, wearing an Ndamukong Suh jersey immediately starts shouting to bench Tommy Armstrong for his back up at the first sign of trouble.

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“That 43-year-old bro in front of us was just TRYING to be miserable at the game today.  Tommy went 1-2 and the guy was calling for the backup. He was clearly having a Mid-Fyfe crisis.”


Mick-Pic: What it’s called when a guy texts his significant other a picture of Mick Stoltenburg crushing into the opposing quarterback.

“U up?”
“Yeah.  What’s up?”
“Nothing.  Sorry about the whole ‘Netflix and Bill’ thing the other day.”
“Lol.  It’s fine.  Why don’t you make it up to me? ;)”
“How’s this? Mick-Pic.”


Nitt: a term to describe a bone-crushing block by Husker fullback, Luke McNitt that opens a big hole for a teammate.

“You could’ve driven a semi through that hole. No wonder he scored a TD. It’s Nitt, fam!”


Lochte’d: When someone gets so drunk before they go to a Husker game that they can’t remember anything that happened and they have to make up a shoddily-crafted, elaborate story that will immediately come apart at the slightest questioning so that their significant other doesn’t kill them.

“Girl, I was so Lochte’d last Saturday I went home and told my Husband we won the game by 49-points and that I stormed the field afterwards.  As soon as he told me we only scored 35, i had to come clean and admit to my tantics.”


Amigos: a Spanish word that means “The place I go to stress eat faux-Mexican food that all costs $3.50 more than it should.”

food1

“Ugggghhhhh…I can’t believe we got beat on that Hail Mary. What do you want to do next?”
“Amigos?”
“Amigos.”


Panico: That dude who always seems to come up short no matter how hard he tries and ends up getting laughed at.

“Yo, did you see that dude just try to talk to that girl with headphones on get shut down?”
“Yeah, he didn’t make it more than 3-yards with that attempt.  What a Panico!”

Did I miss any?  Fill me in, all you turnt up, lit, young’ns.

FIN

2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. dick

    August 31, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    fucking retarded.

    • Chris Hatch

      August 31, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      Thanks for the read, appropriately named reader!

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