Last night, 30 baby-faced men were selected in the first round of the 2018 NBA Draft. Wow, what an accomplishment, guys. A lifelong dream realized for each and every one of you. Don’t get too comfortable though, because with this territory comes untold amounts of scrutiny, nit picking, and getting dunked on via the internet.
Everyone gets dunked on at some point, and when it happens, it will no doubt be a blow to the ego. That’s why I want to be the first to dunk on each and every one of you, to soften the blow when someone else inevitably does it during the regular season.
Be warned though, I’m not going to pull any punches here, you’re about to get mocked hard. And no, these aren’t going to be some easy, schoolyard name-calling jabs like Donte DiVincenzNo or Deandre Can’t Playton or Marvin Bagley the Turd or Zhaiarrhea Smith. These are intricate, artisanally crafted slams that will really cut deep. The New York Post has got nothing on me. Ready?
Dunking on the 2018 NBA Draft Class
Deandre Ayton? You know what was a terrible movie? 50 Shades of Deandre Grayton!
Marvin Bagley III? More like Marvin wet Bagley of perishable groceries that’s about to rip and ruin your whole night!
Luka Dončić? Looks like the kind of guy who un-ironically wears a giant Puka shell Dončić necklace!
Jaren Jackson Jr.? He’s more of a Ja-Ren and Stimpy, but when it came back on Spike TV and was awful Jackson Jr!
Trae Young? One look at him and all that can be said is: “Trae? Uhhhhhh what’re you doing getting drafted here?” Young!
Mo Bamba? Reminds me of Mo Bambi’s momba!
Wendell Carter Jr.? Stay away like he’s Wendelli meat not made by Boar’s Head Carter Jr!
Collin Sexton? Like a Collin embarrassing drunk texton to your exton begging for Sexton!
Kevin Knox? Lamer than a blue and orange pair of Kevin Krox!
Mikal Bridges? Well, Mikal was very happy to be drafted by Philadelphia, but then he got traded to Phoenix, which isn’t known for winning nor Bridges!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander? What was the title of that especially bad episode in season three of The X-Files? Oh yeah, “2Shai Gilgeous-Alexander!”
Miles Bridges? Would rather listen to a nu metal cover of Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” Bridges!
Jerome Robinson? Yeah right. How about Jeromey Klein is a god-awful writer Robinson! (Hey, wait a minute!)
Michael Porter Jr.? I saw his medical records, and boy, the health of back is extremely Michael Poorter Jr.! (That one was a layup.)
Troy Brown? Troy Brown is a very boring crayon color that no one ever uses because it will never not remind people of poop! (Okay, one reference to poop.)
Zhaire Smith? Zhaire, I wish your last name gave me more to work with than Smith, pretty boring, dude!
Donte DiVinvenzo? Reminds me of the only movie I ever fell asleep in a theater during: The Mask of Donte DiVincenZorro!
Lonnie Walker IV? As annoying as Lonnie Luke SkyWalker in Episode IV!
Kevin Huerter? Heard he made questionable Kevinvestments in both Theranos and Juicero Huerter!
Josh Okogie? More holes in his game than a pair of old Josh Okogiens!
Grayson Allen? All I can say is Grayson looks like Ted Cruz before his face got all melted and stretchy!… Allen!
Chandler Hutchinson? I’d rather drive on the Chandler Hutchinson River Parkway! (It’s a road in New York that is awful and always has lots of traffic, trust me on this one.)
Aaron Holliday? Aaron, you will never live up to the 2006 Nancy Myers film The Holliday!
Anfernee Simmons? One look at his highlights, and all I can do is Anfersneeze uncontrollably for six minutes because I’m allergic to them Simmons!
Moritz Wagner? The more I think of him in the pros, the more it makes my skin Moritch Wagner!
Landry Shamet? Hope you play better than the 1962 Landry ShaMets!
Robert Williams? More dysfunctional than the relationship between RoBert and Ernie Williams!
Jacob Evans? He’s Ja-so owned right now, he’s turning into a corn cob as we speak Evans!
Džanan Musa? More unappealing than a Džanan Musalad for dinner!
Omari Spellman? Omari doesn’t know how to properly Spell handkerchief, man!