It’s here. The Apocalypse. Forget the Mayans and December. Nope, the end of the world came yesterday October 23rd, when Chicago Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane signed with an EHC team in the Swiss league.
I get you like blondes Kaner but not you. Anyone but you. You’re the drunken frat boy little brother we as a collective Chicago community never had. I mean do the Swiss even know what Bud Light is?? They won’t understand your rage strokes and constant run-ins with college co-eds like we in the Midwest do. Those Arian blondes are stuck-up bitches who won’t be impressed with how fast you can chug a PBR.
What’s that? Concentrate on hockey? BLASPHEMY. You and I both know you could wipe the floor with those Swiss non-committals while maintaining a BAC that would rival the GPA’s of the girls you wake up next to.
Up until now no Blackhawk (or current NHL player as far as I was concerned) of significance had jumped ship. Sure Evgeni Malkin had gone. Alexander Ovechkin settled into a hellhole that finally matches his ice-cold heart. But baby-faced Patrick Kane? Oh no. Shit just got real.
Calling for the end of the lockout just took on a whole different meaning. #BringKanerHome
(Image courtesy of ESPN.com)