NBA

Crew Log: The Worst Athlete President

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Curt Schilling is apparently considering a presidential run in eight years. This doesn’t seem like a very good idea, but then again, much of the current presidential election seems like several bad ideas all rolled together. It did get us thinking though, as to which athlete would be the worst presidential candidate.

All hail President Boogie Cousins 🐍🐍🐍

My choice here is simple. Sometimes 2+2 comes along and you just have to shout out “4!”

Or, in this case: 17. That’s the number of techs that my would-be commander in chief netted in 65 games last year. That averages out to .25 techs per game. Those are Rasheed Wallace number (*Author’s note: almost).

That’s the type of self-control that we don’t want in the white house. We need someone measured. Someone intelligent and rational. You know, like the dude who’s cracking assassination jokes about his direct competition to the legions of unhinged maniacs who hang on his every mispronounced word.

I can’t imagine anything more gloriously inglorious than Boogie rolling out of the Lincoln Bed room, late for his CIA briefing, hung over on tax-payer funded Rosé and declining to do a press junket, instead sending out an entire press release in emojis. I can totally picture him sarcastically clapping at Vladimir Putin before leaving his Russian peace summit early to get onto Air Force one and be taken immediately to Las Vegas, leaving his Vice President, John Calipari, in charge of negotiations. Actually, come to think of it: Coach Cal would probably make a fantastic politician. I could totally see him being the Dick Cheney to Boogie’s George Dubya.

To be fair, though, President Boogie would be one very familiar with trade markets, since he’s been rumored to be on it in the NBA’s version for years now. The turnover rate of his cabinet would be tremendously high – as Boogie tends to use coaches and staff members as human kindling — and the Presidential fashion would be tremendously suspect.

It would make for fantastic TV and terrifying politics. Kind of like right now.

– Chris Hatch

LeBron James: great basketball player, great businessman, terrible president.

First, LeBron relies too heavily on his childhood friends. It’s worked out fine as far as his sports agency and business dealings go, but broad economic strategies and foreign policy will be be out of their range.

Second, by electing James president, we run the risk of seeing an Executive Order moving the nation’s capital and all the monuments to Ohio. We know how much he adores his home state. I’d rather not see the Lincoln Memorial overlooking the Cuyahoga River, personally.

Finally, I don’t want a president who’ll get frustrated a few months
into his term and start late night subtweeting Vladimir Putin.

“In my experience, REAL leaders know how to compromise. If they
CAN’T or WON’T, then they aren’t actually leaders!!”

The ‘poking the bear’ tactic might work on Kevin Love, but not with a
Russian demagogue. Even LeBron James can’t block nukes off the
backboard.

– Alex Schubauer

There are plenty of athletes out there that would make a terrible president guys like Charles Barkley, Johnny Manziel & Patrick Kane…

But some of those would lead to some interesting campaigns, so naturally I had a tough time writing why they shouldn’t run. On the flip side there are plenty of guys like Brendon Ayanbadejo, who might actually make a change.

I’m sure everyone picked someone like Manziel and Boogie Cousins but I took this in a different direction. I needed to find someone so in the middle, so mundane, so generic that not only would he just sit in the oval office and watch PBS documentaries, he would do so while eating corn flakes in a basic cotton tee. That man is no other than Tim Duncan.

Duncan may go down as one of the greatest power forwards ever and one hell of a nice guy but the generic answers delivered in his soft spoken manner would lead to one hell of a snooze fest. I’d rather listen to Manziel drug reform policy as he snorts lines off a hooker, before we get Duncan shrug his shoulders and says “We just have to do better.”

– Dan Soden

I guess I’ll say Aaron Rodgers.

See, I actually think a lot of choices for a bad athlete as president would actually be excellent ones. But I also think that somebody like Rodgers, who seems to know what he’s doing, but rarely communicates as such, would not make for a good national leader.

You see, it’s a bit like one of those shoes with the guy who works for some government agency or something, but he never lets his team in on his plans. He always acts shady, and it isn’t revealed until much later that he’s actually working under top secret clearance and is doing something good for national security, but it just seems really bad and shady. That’s like what Aaron Rodgers would do. You can only tell the American people that they need to relax so many times before they start to get wary of what you’re doing, Mr. President.

Besides, people already freak out because they think Rodgers’ relationship with Olivia Munn distracts him from football. Could you imagine the hot takes if he was leading the country? Scorching.

– Brian Hall

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