Another year, another preseason poll for all of us to complain about.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow all 128 NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision teams are both overrated and underrated at the same time and college football fans demand satisfaction from the polling system. Seeing how accurate the rankings are by letting the season play out is not an option.
Should we base the rankings solely on returning starters? What about composite recruiting rankings over the last four or five years? While a combination of those methods sounds good in theory, those processes don’t correctly fall in line with the number one rule of Ric Flair’s Keys to Championship Glory: To be the man, you have to beat the man!
The entire object of ranking teams should be placing them in order of which teams could beat the most teams in head-to-head matchups. The top team should hypothetically beat all the teams below them. The 25th-ranked team should hypothetically lose to all the teams ranked ahead of them. Easy enough.
Because accurately predicting how well groups of 18-year-old boys will perform is a shaky process at best, the ONLY way to accurately re-rank each top 25 team based on dominance over the other is to assign them representatives from the world of professional rasslin’. Seriously, I conducted extensive research and this is the only way.
Below is an infinitely more accurate preseason ranking of college football’s top 25 teams based on the best pro wrestlers from each state.* Teams are ranked in order of their representative wrestler’s winning percentage** because chances are each grappler would lay the smack down on any opponent with a lower win rate. More on that last part in a bit.
Now I only have one question for you: Are you ready?
The New & Totally Accurate Top 25 (Coaches Poll ranking in parenthesis):
- TCU (2) – The Undertaker (67.5066%)
- Arizona State (16) – Shawn Michaels (67.2355%)
- UCLA (14) – Yokozuna (66.67%)
- USC (10) – Rey Mysterio (63.2402%)
- Oregon (5) – Roddy Piper (61.9048%)
- Missouri (23) – Harley Race (61.6162%)
- Ole Miss (15) – Kamala (61.72%)
- Ohio State (1) – Randy Savage (60.2778%)
- Arizona (22) – Billy Graham (60.00%)
- Alabama (3) – Sherri Martel (58.62%)
- Stanford (21) – The Rock (58.2418%)
- Michigan State (6) – Kevin Nash (57.81%)
- Baylor (4) – Steve Austin (57.14%)
- Arkansas (20) – Bobo Brazil (57.14%)
- Florida State (8) – Mike Awesome (56.93%)
- Georgia Tech (17) –
Hulk HoganGlacier (56.67%)
- Clemson (12) – Big Show (53.62%)
- Wisconsin (18) – Roderick Strong (53.28%)
- Boise State (24) – Torrie Wilson (50.74%)
- Georgia (9) – Arn Anderson (50.00%)
- Tennessee (25) – Ric Flair (49.64%)
- Notre Dame (11) – Mick Foley (48.28%)
- LSU (13) – Ernie Ladd (46.88%)
- Auburn (7) – Bobby Eaton (37%)
- Oklahoma (19) – Jack Swagger (36.77%)
*If there are multiple teams from a state, the program with the most national titles has dibs on the more successful grappler based on winning percentage; each wrestler’s state of origin was based off o wikipedia.com or mandatory.com
**If win/loss data was not available online, wrestler was not included (i.e. Lou Thesz)
- Sorry, Georgia Tech. Because you are attached to Hulk Hogan, you get penalized by being represented by Sub-Zero knockoff Glacier.
- TCU, USC and Oregon fared pretty well in the re-rankings. The Deadman gets to keep his color schemed by repping the Horned Frogs as well.
- HBK will always be from Texas in my mind, but in this exercise Arizona State was fortunate enough to have him as their representative.
- Of the teams outside the top 25, Nebraska has the best chance at crashing the College Football Playoff with Sting as their chosen rassler.
- Can we please get Baylor (Austin) and TCU (Undertaker) to play at Jerry World, the site of WrestleMania 32? Texas Death Match, anyone?
- Speaking of Austin, Baylor won the tiebreaker over Arkansas because Stone Cold is the man.
- Mick Foley being associated with Notre Dame is funny to me.
What are your thoughts on the new rankings? Depending on the reception for this, I may do something like this with only active wrestlers. Would be an easy way to update these rankings on a yearly basis.