It was recently revealed that legendary Kansas State football coach, and equally legendary Mr. Burns impersonator, Bill Snyder is going to be releasing a children’s book. While it is unclear yet whether he will be writing the book on his preferred papyrus scrolls and using his native written language of cuneiform, the prospect of an old curmudgeon like Snyder writing a book for the same kids that he likely shouts at to get off his lawn every morning when he’s going for his 4:45 AM constitutional around the block got me to thinking: what other coaches should pen children’s books? And, more importantly, what should those children’s books be about?
I came up with a few ideas (*Author’s note: all of them ©, though, sorry coaches) and even included a few excerpts from each of the books for the kiddies to enjoy.
Coach Harbaugh and the Whacky Khakis
“Hi! My name is, Jim. But all my friends, family, staff members, and 16 person public relations team all call me “Coach”. What I’d like to do is scream at you with a sociopathic intensity firing out from behind my bulging eyes. But I think, instead of that, we should try being friends. What do you think? Would you like to be my friend? Nobody has it better than us, right?
And, since you’re my friend, I feel like I can trust you with a huge, giant, massive, secret. You won’t tell, right? Okay, good.
You want to know the reason I am considered one of the best coaches in college football even though I lost to Iowa last year? Want to know why people put up with me essentially stalking 18-year-old dudes and making Lamborghini videos that feature me shouting a bunch? It’s the pants. These dad-Khakis that are weirdly hitched up to the same depth on my body as a hotel pool’s shallow end? They’re magic. Keep reading. I’ll show you.”
Hugh Freeze’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Phone Call
“I went to sleep with Nicorette in my mouth, and now there’s gum in my visor, and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the pile of cash on my floor I was going to use on that five star recruit and my toe really hurts. I had six people slap me on the back and shout “HOTTY TODDY!!!” and I still don’t know what the hell that even means.
I sat down in my office and realized that today was the day I was going to watch film on Alabama and I got so stressed out I had to unvelcro my visor for a minute. I needed relief. And, since Laremy Tunsil took my favorite gas mask “stress reliever” with him, I knew I would need to take drastic measures. So, I made a phone call. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad phone call.”
I Am the All Powerful Fist of the Heavens and Shaker of the Earth and I Command You to Go to Bed, Moon
“In the great film room
a darkened shadow loomed
In a crimson polo
hair brisling as a broom–
The kick six played on the screen
On loop mode, as if it was a GIF-ing
If you listen, you can hear him cursing memories of “Kiffin”
and the team sat behind him silent, not wanting to incur wrath violent
and his eyes and his veins and started to bulge
inhaled sharply, then his lips parted to divulge
Shut up room
Shut up moon
Shut up Janitor with that broom
Shut up groomsmen, I’m the Groom
Shut up boys, shut up men
I am Barbie, you’re just Ken
Shut up D and Shut up O
I am all that is man, come at me, bro.
shut up team and shut up neighbor
Shut up now, you’re just my unpaid labor
Shut up Urban, Shut up Swinney
Shut up boosters, now, then pay me.
In case I forgot Shut up, moon”
One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Nude-ish
“One fish, two fish, dead fish, nude-ish.
Blackfish, sea bass, white fish, Man-ass
That one has a giant fin
Topped by a nude guy, drunk on gin.
Say! What a catch when you’re fishin’
Yes, some are red. And some are blue.
Some get humped by a nudey dude.
Some are caught.
And some are not.
Some make a Florida head coach hot!”
Cloudy with a Chance of Freshwater
“Once upon a time, there was a town called Boca. And, for the most part, Boca was a lot like any other town in Florida. It had old people, and older people. Golf courses, and things that live in the water that want to kill you. You know, Florida stuff.
But there was one part of Boca that was very different. It was a little section called “Florida Atlantic University.” And this particular part of Boca was very different. There were no hoveraround scooter or mobility stores at Florida Atlantic University. And their coaches didn’t need to leave campus to search out the honeys. At FAU, they practically fell from the sky. This is their story. This is the story of Joey Freshwater and his campus fun.”