Don’t Worry About Braxton Miller’s Injury, Ohio State: Urban Meyer Has a 10-Step Backup Plan

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Ohio State Quarterback Braxton Miller re-injured his throwing shoulder last night.

While the reports and rumors and unnamed sources have been swirling around in a digital maelstrom, one thing is clear.  Braxton Miller is going to be out for a while.  The Buckeyes will be without their 2-Time reigning Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year QB for the entire season, according to many reports.

So what happens now to a team with very real, very tangible college football playoff hopes?

ESPN, for their part, believes firmly that Ohio State will be just fine.  That they have a backup plan in place.

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But what is this plan that they’re referring to?  Is it to shift Miller over to another position, a la Denard Robinson, and continue to utilize Miller’s open field elusiveness and explosive big play ability?  Maybe.

Howver, here’s what I believe Urban Meyer’s 10-step “backup plan” really looks like.


Step 1

Immediately stress-eat some cold Papa John’s.

Go find the sweet, sweet, ass-embrace of a pleather-seated golf cart and immediately crash-land there for a personal-sized pizza binging.  Focus on looking as miserable and as thoroughly exhausted as possible.  If you feel the need to run your hands through your hair in an attempt to keep from freaking the hell out, feel free to do so.


Step 2

File an emergency injunction with the NCAA for a 5th year of eligibility for one Timothy Richard Tebow

Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?  Besides, he’s not really doing a whole lot these days, other than BFF-ing around with Paul Finebaum.  If we know one thing about Tim and Urb’s relationship, it’s that they just can’t quit each other.  And if we know one thing about the NCAA, it’s that they routinely botch easy decisions and make insane choices with things like eligibility.  Here’s a quick picture of what would happen at ESPN if Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and Johnny Manziel were all within a 200 mile radius of one another simultaneously?


Step 3

Bring in motivational speakers, and former Urban Meyer disciples, Riley Cooper and Aaron Hernandez

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When Urban was coaching his self-proclaimed “greatest team in college football history” he was, of course referencing the high-character guys that he coached during his time at the U of F.  While Cooper is likely available, if he’s not too busy attending some *kough* *kkough* rallies he may have to Skype in Hernandez or accept a collect call from inmate #27663H in order to get the full motivational duo-effect.


Step 4

Call Brady Hoke back and tell him that the message he left you of himself laughing hysterically for 3 minutes and then shouting “suck it.” into the phone was highly unprofessional.  Then hire the Pouncey bros. to head over to Hoke’s house and tune his ass up.  It won’t help on the field, but everyone will love you for it.  Even Michigan fans.


Step 5

Contact training staff of the Seattle Seahawks and see if they have a “specialist” that Braxton can speak to

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Step 6

This.

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Step 7

Go to local YMCA and infiltrate Aaron Craft’s pickup game where he still tries obnoxiously harder than everyone else and see if you can convince him to suit up one last time for his alma mater.  What’s he going to say, no?


Step 8

Use your ties with the local law enforcement agencies, cultivated by years spent dealing with them constantly, and see if they can recommend any inmates so you can put together a Longest Yard style quarterback competition.


Step 9

Retire

It’s what you do best.  Other than win an f-load of football games, anyway.


Step 10

Un-Retire

Dramatic.  Impassioned.  Way richer than not being a coach.  It’s time to rally the troops.  Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.

FIN

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Chris Hatch is the content manager and senior writer for NoCoastBias.com. Contributor since: May 2012 Present location: The 402 Twitter: @burnpoetry Sports Coverage: Anything but NASCAR Favorite Sports Moment: Alex Henery's 57-yard Field goal against Colorado in 2008 Chris Hatch’s sports “claims to fame” include: Winning a pleather-banded watch for taking first place in the 4xMile Relay at the Kansas Relays, walking past Ndamukong Suh outside a sandwich shop, and I once checked Joe Ganz's Dad into a hotel that I worked at.

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