Derek J. Hernandez

Brace Yourselves: Taylor Swift’s next Move Will Be as Annoying as Ever

It’s been about a week since Taylor Swift interjected herself into Russell Westbrook’s limelight and less than a month since she pulled a jack move on Katy Perry and one thing is completely obvious: We’re in the midst of another one of T-Swizzle’s patented and totally plastic PR blitzes.

Swift has been keeping things on the down low since Kim Kardashian cut the grass and exposed the slithering Taylor, but given how she’s resurfaced in recent weeks it’s clear her reclamation project is in full swing and she’s about to drop another saccharine-laced album. Like soon. Real soon.

If her past behavior is any indication, we’re in for some doozies from the Swift camp.

Since cultural appropriation is the new hotness, especially from acts situated in Swift’s lane, this would be my shocked face if she just so happened to get her hair did like this or put Future on a track for some street cred.

Actually, what better way for her to ramp up Petty SZN than to collab with Kid Cudi? It would be the perfect way for her take a jab at her frenemy Kanye. You think her PR wizards would consider leveraging Cudi’s mental problems to build her brand back up? Nah, that’s too crazy.

What about her ever-growing and carefully selected “squad”? Because her pristine image took a massive hit after Snapgate, you know she’s going to be spotted with the hottest and most-liked acts in pop culture at the moment. She’ll just so happen to be spotted on the set of ATL with my man Donald Glover. She’ll get all buddy-buddy with the cast of “Infinity War” and probably sneak her way onto the soundtrack. Oh god. You know she’s going to do a rendition of “Gold Digger” on Lip Sync Battle and receive ALL THE PROPS for “killing it”. It’s going to happen.

In addition to raising her likability profile through osmosis, she has to degrade herself a bit to make herself look more “real” and like one of us. I’m not talking about doing another one of these spots either.

She has to put herself out there. Not like in the Katy-Perry-Is-Having-A-Meltdown kind of way, but in a I’m-Going-To-Produce-An-Album-About-All-My-“Problems”-And-Make-An-Over-The-Top-Emo-Video-That-I’ll-Reenact-At-The-Grammys-So-You’ll-Feel-Bad-For-Me kind of way. It’s going to be terrible. Way worse than all her songs about the time she dated that one guy for like two weeks when she was 16.

And even if she just so happens to stop all her PR BS just this one time, it still comes back to her music. She’ll tag some producer at the top of his game to produce the usual stuff for her. You know, the handful of tracks that teenage girls can relate to mixed in with a few “sick beats” that fans can pollute the airwaves with at every club you go to.

All I’m saying is that Taylor took the biggest hit of her career last year and she’s going to come out swinging. That means she’s going to ramp up the fakeness to a new level and do everything in her power to make up for lost time in the spotlight. So get ready for the inevitable Mountain Dew spot with her and Russ doing their best MJ and Bird impression, ya’ll!

On the surface this sounds awesome until you realize she’s going to make Westbrook’s pregame dance routine jump the shark by lampooning it, causing her faithful legion of fans to do this…

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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