(*Author’s note: this is part II of a post that is attempting to bring some fresh names and new ideas to the stagnant world of College Football bowl games. Here’s the link to Part I.)
The Armed Forces Bowl: December 30th, Fort Worth, TX
Matchup: Middle Tennessee St. V.S. Navy
Bowl Game Rename: Again, I’m pretty cool with this one.
Renamed in honor of: Leaving it just the way it is. Go Midshipmen.
The Music City Bowl: December 30th, Nashville, TN
Matchup: Georgia Tech V.S. Ole Miss
Bowl Game Rename: The “Oh, right. Those Guys did make a bowl game. What channel is it on again?” Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that this game, no matter how much “music” and “city” it has in it, is going to be buried deep within the bowels of obscurity. Maybe they’ll have a cool intro. They’ll probably have cool music at halftime. However, no amount of Toby Keith in wranglers at the 50 yard line will make anyone care enough about this one to remember what channel it’s on when the time comes for kickoff. (*Author’s note: ESPN, if you were wondering.)
The Alamo Bowl: December 30th, San Antonio, TX
Matchup: Texas V.S. Oregon
Bowl Game Rename: The Remember the Alamo Bowl
Renamed in honor of: What Mack Brown will be screaming at his team as they prepare to take the field. Make no mistake, Mack Brown is coaching for his life. This is his final stand. His fort is surrounded by Santa Anna (*Author’s note: read: Nick Saban) and hordes of soldiers (*Author’s note: read: a super-talented rushing attack) and he’s vastly outnumbered and outgunned. Will he be able to rally the troops, standing side by side with his greatest ally and trusty sidekick, Deloss Dodds, for a fight to the finish?
The Holiday Bowl: December 30th, San Diego, CA
Matchup: Arizona State V.S. Texas Tech
Bowl Game Rename: The Take the Over Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that there’s probably going to be roughly 9,000 yards of total offense put up in this one. The more pressing question facing all college football fans regarding this bowl game is simply this: who will spend more time shirtless in front of the mirror in the runup to this game: the Arizona State coeds, getting ready to flaunt it in San Diego, or Kliff Kingsbury?
The Advocare V100 Independence Bowl: December 31st, Shreveport, LA
Matchup: Arizona V.S. Boston College
Bowl Game Rename: The Covert Governmental Conspiracy Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that I can’t figure out anything about the Advocare V100 bowl. They’re a shadow wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in Shreveport. I Googled it. Nothing. I dug around on their seemingly innocuous website. (*Author’s note: packaged in a very American red, white, and blue.) They seem to enjoy independence. But other than that, little is known about these guys. I decided to ask some tough questions.
They haven’t responded yet, but I feel confident I will get to the bottom of this immediately.
The Sun Bowl: December 31st, El Paso, TX
Matchup: Virginia Tech V.S. UCLA
Bowl Game Rename: The Get Your Ransom Money Ready Bowl
Renamed in honor of: Because nothing says “Big City, Bright Lights” like a trip to the gaudy crown jewel of Texas. . .El Paso! Just make sure you don’t take a trip too close to the border or Frank Beamer could be hijacked and held for ransom in Ciudad Juarez. If you think your per diem money is a little tight, Jim Mora Jr., than you should try using it to pay off the cartel-hired gunmen to let Brett Hundley go.
The Liberty Bowl: December 31st, Memphis, TN
Matchup: Rice V.S. Mississippi State
Bowl Game Rename: The Not Duke V.S. Texas A&M Bowl
Renamed in honor of: Being another also-ran game, on an also-ran day, in the also-ran city of Memphis.
The Chick-Fil-A Bowl: December 31st, Atlanta, GA
Matchup: Duke V.S. Texas A&M
Bowl Game Rename: The Final Middle Finger From Johnny Football Bowl
Renamed in honor of: Johnny Football potentially playing his final collegiate game. Will he make money gestures? Probably. Will he air-sign a gigantic F-U autograph to Mark Emmert and the University of Mike Krzyzewski that is part rhythmic gymnastics routine and part profane adieu? We can only hope. One thing’s for sure, Johnny F. is going to be out to prove to the Heisman voters that he should’ve gotten his back-to-back on (*Author’s note: yes, I’m assuming he won’t win the Heisman this year).
The Gator Bowl: January 1st, Jacksonville, FL
Matchup: Nebraska V.S. Georgia
Bowl Game Rename: The Glitch in the Matrix Bowl
Renamed in honor of: This scene that played out all over Nebraska and Georgia this past week:
A Husker/Georgia fan is watching Lou Holtz lisp his way through an ESPN broadcast. Holtz makes an announcement of some sort, hissing like a tire losing air. The Fan scrunches his eyebrows together, a hairy “what the hell”, that nearly meets above the bridge of his nose.
Fan: Whoa. Déjà vu.
The three guys watching the bowl selection show with him sit bolt upright and freeze.
Fan #2: What did you just say?
Fan: Nothing. Just had a little déjà vu.
Fan #3: What did you see?
Fan: A bowl game went past us, and then another that looked just like it.
Fan#2: How much like it? Was it the same bowl game?
Fan: It might have been. I’m not sure.
Fan #3: Oh, shit!
Fan: What is it?
Fan#2: A déjà vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they are so blind to good college football matchups that they think no one will care if they screw two teams into a godforsaken rematch. They just slap “Jacksonville” onto it and pretend it’s not a complete screwjob.
The Heart of Dallas Bowl: January 1st, Dallas, TX
Matchup: UNLV V.S. North Texas
Bowl Game Rename: The Dallas Bowl
Renamed in honor of: One of my favorite I-probably-shouldn’t-like-this-nearly-as-much-as-I-do TV shows, Dallas. Why bother with the whole “The Heart of” bit? Just let it be an homage to all things Dallas. Mainly, reveal at halftime on the big screen that every player has been betraying all of his teammates and that each coach is banging another coach’s wife. Then sit back and watch the whole place powder-keg into a melee. That’s kind of how I would describe Dallas on TNT. And it’s excellent. You’re welcome, bowl board members, for that great idea.
The Capital One Bowl: January 1st, Orlando, FL
Matchup: Wisconsin V.S. South Carolina
Bowl Game Rename: The That’s a Clowney Question, Bro, Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The hotly talked about NFL draft prospect who is likely playing in his final collegiate football game. While it’s been a turbulent season for the pre-season Heisman contender, his play hasn’t quite fit the bill. He had allegations of impermissible contact with Jay-Z, rumors that he was dogging it to avoid getting injured and even accusations that his dreadlocks were really a weave (*Author’s note: alright, I made that last one up). Last year in his team’s bowl game when he literally TNT’d Michigan’s running back it catapulted him to instant stardom. Here’s to hoping he can do something similar on his way out the door.
The Outback Bowl: January 1st, Tampa, FL
Matchup: Iowa V.S. LSU
Bowl Game Rename: The Green Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that one coach makes way too much of it, one coach likes to eat grass, and LSU’s players love to smoke it.
The Rose Bowl: January 1st, Pasadena, CA
Matchup: Michigan State V.S. Stanford
Bowl Game Rename: The Grandaddy Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that this will be an old school, smash-mouth, strength on strength battle in the trench–zZZZZzzzzz. Oh, I’m sorry. I must’ve dozed off during that cliché tsunami from all the pundits. They call this one “The Granddaddy of Them All” and that’s exactly the kind of football this will resemble. The football our grandfather’s watched. Good luck with the ratings on a 10-3 game going into the 4th quarter. People who are hungover and exhausted after sitting up all night looking into gym memberships for their New Year’s Resolutions are definitely going to be on the edge of their seats for this defensive battle.
The Fiesta Bowl: January 1st, Glendale, AZ
Matchup: Baylor V.S. UCF
Bowl Game Rename: The Resume Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that Art Briles is padding his so he can get a cushier gig (*Author’s note: hello, Redskins!) and that it’s the perfect opportunity for him to ask George O’Leary for some tips on how to do a little “resume building”.
The Sugar Bowl: January 2nd, New Orleans, LA
Matchup: Alabama V.S. Oklahoma
Bowl Game Rename: The Red River Rivalry Bowl
Renamed in honor of: Saban eyeing that private plane that’ll be idling in the New Orleans airport to take him directly to his new job in Austin. Get used to seeing these two coaches going head to head in highly-touted matchups, because I have a feeling that it’ll be happening for a while. Unless Bobby Stoops heads down to take over Alabama’s program. (*Author’s note: how great would that be if Stoops just walked over to the Alabama locker room after the game and said, “Your new coach is heeeeeeeeere!”? Because that’s kind of the world we live in right now with college football.)
The Cotton Bowl: January 3rd, Arlington, TX
Matchup: Oklahoma State V.S. Missouri
Bowl Game Rename: The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Hoge Bowl
Renamed in honor of: Me having an obnoxiously corny sense of humor. Did you see what I did there? Huh? Huh?!?! There will be every letter but a “D” in this one. (*Author’s note: I apologize if you’ve read this far and this was how I repaid your loyalty. Also, I have no idea what a “hoge” is. **Secondary author’s note: thanks to the guy from Arkansas who pointed out that I had inadvertently placed a “D” in that terrible joke the first time before promptly telling me to shut the hell up.) This one will be a can’t miss shootout that I’m thoroughly looking forward to. Could it involve a Mike Gundy meltdown? Possibly. Will it involve Missouri Pinkeling themselves out of a shot at glory? I sure as hell hope so.
The Orange Bowl: January 3rd, Miami, FL
Matchup: Clemson V.S. Ohio State
Bowl Game Rename: The Michael Bay Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The fact that this bowl game is basically a Michael Bay movie on turf. It’s got all the elements of a Michael Bay flick that we’ve come to know and love/loathe. Explosions. Sleazy, corruptible, men with too much power (*Author’s note: here’s looking at you, Urb.) who have a penchant for flouting the law. Lot’s of money changing hands. Add the lavish backdrop of Bay’s favorite city, a bevy of players just waiting to get arrested while violating team rules, more dreadlocks than Bad Boys II, and Dabo’s dance moves as comic relief? You’re all set. Action!
The BBVA Compass Bowl: January 4th, Birmingham, AL
Matchup: Vanderbilt V.S. Houston
Bowl Game Rename: The Greatest Show on Turd Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The steaming pile of why-is-this-game-so-late-in-the-bowl-season that will be deuced onto the field at the 50 yard line. The only real reason to watch this one is to see if James Franklin is wearing Vanderbilt’s colors or if he’ll just show up wearing the new uniform of whatever school he’ll be leaving the Commodores for ASAP.
The GoDaddy.Com Bowl: January 5th, Mobile, AL
Matchup: Ball State V.S. Arkansas State
Bowl Game Rename: The Will Someone Please Be Our Coach Bowl
Renamed in honor of: The Fact that Arkansas State just lost their fourth head coach in four years. We’ve all heard of the coaching carousel, but this has turned into a coaching tilt-a-whirl that must have Arkansas State fans feeling like they’re about to yack funnel cake all over the fairgrounds. Which is pretty much how America will feel if they tune in to watch Ball State play a game on January 5th.
BCS National Title Game: January 6th, Pasadena, CA
Matchup: Florida State V.S. Auburn
Bowl Game Rename: The “You Know What? Let’s Just Skip That Jameis Winston Player Profile Piece, Okay?” Bowl
Renamed in honor of: Executives at ESPN inevitably deciding that they don’t really want to do too much off the field stuff on Winston and focusing heavily on Tre Mason’s favorite color, or Jimbo Fisher’s relationship with Bobby Bowden, or anything that is just barely interesting enough to keep people not talking about the giant elephant in the room. (*Author’s note: I’m not saying that Winston did it. Quite the opposite. But what I am saying is that nothing kills the hype-train momentum of a college football national championship more than a ton of pre-game rape/non-rape chatter. Why do you think they picked six freaking guys for the Heisman ceremony this year? It’s not because AJ McCarron, Tre Mason, or whoever that really good running back is from Boston College that no one knows have a shot at winning. It’s so they can puff-piece us to death with enough misdirection to make Criss Angel blush.)