This is the time of year where everyone looks back on the year that was. Meh. We already lived through all that.
Allow me to put my Miss Cleo hat on and foretell the upcoming year in sports.
- Bama rolls the Irish in the title game. Nick Saban gets an obscene offer from the Texas Longhorns after Mack Brown is forced to resign. Saban does in fact take a coaching job in the Longhorn State but it’s with the Dallas Cowboys.
- Javale McGee completes a ridiculous 720-degree dunk… in his own basket.
- Taylor Martinez dies on the field after Jarvis “Just Another Football Player” Jones sacks him an NCAA-record 23 times during the Capital One Bowl. Bo Pelini says it’s part of the process. Steve Sipple digs through the archives to find stat line from Tom Osborne era to use in spin article.
- Brandon Stroud, in a John Hollinger-like move, becomes Head of WWE Creative. Damien Sandow wins all the belts and Jack Swagger is literally sent to space.
- Samantha Steele and Christian Ponder (Chrisamtha?) divorce not because of anything crazy, but because ALL celebrity/sports star marriages that move this quickly end just as fast. Kris Humprhies and Dennis Rodman say “TRUE DAT.”
- Charles Barkley does in fact quit commentating for the NBA… and replaces Lee Corso on College Gameday.
- A Paulina Gretzky sex-tape is released. It’s called “The Great Bun.”
- Tom Brady wins his 4th Superbowl ring after defeating his childhood team, the San Francisco 49ers, in a nail-biter. Eli Manning cashes in the Money in the Bank briefcase just before Brady is handed the The Pete Rozelle Trophy. Eli beats Brady again and the Giants are your Superbowl Champions.
- An NFL scout falls in love with Logan Thomas, trades up to draft him. Thomas is playing Tight End by 2014.
- Mark Sanchez hits it big as an action movie villain. Not one of the main ones, but as a henchman. You know, the ones that ALWAYS miss the target.
- Tebow is released by the Jets. Takes his talents to Canada. Is the 2nd-string QB for the Edmonton Eskimos. Gets deflowered by Paulina Gretzky.
- Bomani Jones blocks 3,285 followers on Twitter and rocks a shirt that says “*your” on Around the Horn.
- Notre Dame FINALLY joins the B1G after their ACC relationship crumbles when the conference is picked apart by the B1G, SEC and Big XII. The Big Ten Network plays Rudy at least 12 times a day.
- Lamar Odom AND Chauncey Billups are released by the Clippers.
- Kenny Smith declares the NBA Dunk Contest is back!
- Derek Fisher somehow ends up on the team with the best record.
- America roots for the underdog, 14-seed in the NCAA Tourney. 14-seed makes it the Championship game. Lowest ratings ever.
- Tiger Woods wins one major but has two words for his critics….
- The Knicks earn the top-spot in the Eastern Conference but Melo again fails to taste that second-round air.
- The Oklahoma City Thunder win the NBA Finals. Sam Presti immediately trades Russell Westbrook for no other reason than to prove he is waaaay smarter than us and for the thrill of the challenge.
- Nerlens Noel is the first pick of the NBA Draft to the Wizards. His flattop is selected second by the Sacramento Kings.
- An Iowa Hawkeye running back gets suspended for drugs, another one blows out BOTH knees during a Fall scrimmage.
- Roger Goodell fines EA Sports for the “Hit Stick.”
- RG III names his fantasy football team The Cornballers.
- The Dodgers fail to make the playoffs. Magic Johnson signs Phil Jackson to a 3-year, $75 million contract.
- McKayla Maroney turns 18. A good portion of the male population feels just a tad bit less creepy.
Here’s to an awesome sports year in 2013!