Bryan Gottula

B1G Football Programs as Family Guy Characters

Rarely do college football and animated cartoons find their way into the same conversation. (Unless, of course, you’re a stoned college student sitting in your dorm on Saturday night trying to decide what to watch on TV.) When it comes to college football, though, there is one conference that is almost universally loathed by everyone who is not a diehard fan of one the programs. That conference is the Big Ten. And if there is an equivalent in the world of adult programming (not the naked kind), it’s without question the overexposed, on-every-channel Family Guy. When you take a further look beneath the surface, you’ll notice the similarities between the programs of Jim Delaney’s baby and the characters of Seth MacFarlane’s program don’t just end with its association to the smug crowd:

Peter Griffin is Ohio State
Despite their sometimes moronic and “you’ve gotta be f*cking kidding me” behavior, Ohio State and Peter Griffin still manage to be the breadwinners in their respective households. No matter how many times Peter falls on his face, you can always count on him to get back on top… despite all the shit that comes up along the way. Plus, they’re both the first thing that comes to mind when the subject comes up.

Lois Griffin is Michigan
Strong, independent and everyone in the world seemingly wants to get with ’em in the sack. Unfortunately for everyone else, Michigan and Lois only seem to have eyes for Ohio State and Peter respectively. While Peter goes out and makes an ass of himself, you can always count on Lois to be a steady hand at home. Every now and then, though, something will happen that makes you question their judgement. Like this. And this.

Brian Griffin is Wisconsin
Brian is opinionated, liberal and a bit out of an outcast in his environment… much like the city of Madison is in the Midwest. As an example, his views on legalizing marijuana seem to be shared by the students of Wisconsin. Despite all that, Brian has proven to be a strong character that can carry the rest of the group when they are off their game. And, of course, he likes to party.

Stewie Griffin is Nebraska
Stewie and Nebraska are both the youngest member of their respective group. While Stewie is misunderstood because of his age, Nebraska seems to be a bit misunderstood because of its unfamiliarity within the league. Years ago, both Stewie and Nebraska were set on taking over the world. But these days it seems like every time that dream might become a reality they both somehow manage to piss it away.

Meg Griffin is Michigan State
Universally considered to be nothing but a shitty version of Lois, Meg is constantly fighting for respect amongst her peers both in her own home and in the outside world. Every time it seems like good things are finally about to happen to Meg, she gets smacked in the face by the reality that her road to the top will never be as easy as Lois’s.

Chris Griffin is Purdue
A smaller, less important version of Peter, Chris has never really been given much of a chance to truly shine on his own. The few times he has, though, he has made quite the name for himself and even gotten the best of the big guy. Then just like that he goes back to being an afterthought in the next episode and you realize it’s because too much of him is not entertaining television.

Herbert is Penn State 
Sadly this is pretty-self explanatory and probably in bad taste. We know that Herbert is a veteran of the United States Army (one of the highest honors one can receive). That’s why it’s too bad his legacy will be tainted because of a perceived fondness of young boys.

Glen Quagmire is Iowa
Maybe it’s their hard partying persona or just the way the outside world always associates them for taking advantage of women. Whatever it is, you always know what you’re going to get with Quagmire just like you do with a Kirk Ferentz coached team. The results can sometimes be extraordinary, but at times it just seems old and overdone.

Joe Swanson is Minnesota
Back in the day, Joe Swanson was the alpha male of his peer group. And just like Minnesota’s days of winning national titles is nothing but an entry in a record book now, Joe’s ability to walk is too. Now he’s just a shell of his former self and mostly collects pity for what he is incapable of doing what he once was the best at.

Cleveland Brown is Indiana
Cleveland is not even on the show anymore. And you have to admit, that pretty much sums up most people’s feelings toward Indiana football. While the rest of the cast is fighting it out on-screen, Cleveland is too busy in his own world doing his own thing… just like the fans in Bloomington are too busy worrying about hoops season.

Tom Tucker is Northwestern
Every now and then, Tom Tucker will show up and embarrass one of the more high profile characters forcing you to acknowledge him as a presence you need to be cautious of. But while Tom Tucker and Northwestern are both consistent in their role, they are nothing more than journalistic mouthbreathers to the rest of the world.

Mort Goldman is Illinois
What do these two have in common besides the color orange? Well, they are both forgettable and just can’t seem to hang with the big boys. Mort seems lazy and showed questionable decision making when he stepped in a time machine to go back in time just like Illinois showed the same characteristics by sending the program back God knows how long by hanging on to Ron Zook for so many years.



  1. tanfan

    June 14, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Typical garbage you would expect from a scUMmer.

    • mandolinwind

      June 15, 2012 at 7:55 am

      Obviously written by a UM grad. Bur decent.

      • STTLS

        June 15, 2012 at 11:23 am

        Actually the guy who made this is from Omaha, NE and says he cheers for the Huskers. You just assume that anytime someone says something negative about you, its a Michigan fan, when in reality, just about every fanbase recognizes your classlessness. Someone can say something accurate about Michigan St, but if it is negative, they get cussed out and the Spartan fans dismiss the truth.

  2. Bolley

    June 14, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    I hope walvereens ain’t crakheds…

    but dey are caus dey cheetas an caus dey dooshed an caus dey inbred an caus. trever steel bull donate

    • TruthHurts

      June 15, 2012 at 8:20 am

      Um…. What?!

    • No Worries

      June 15, 2012 at 3:26 pm

      He mentioned “crakheds”, which we can all understand. As for the rest, just go back to the part we do understand and it all makes sense in the end.

  3. Rossdafukinboss

    June 14, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    This might actually be one of, if not the stupidest thing i have ever seen on the internet. What the fuck does a stupid cartoon tv show have dick to do with Big ten collegiate universities? Whoever created this has obviously never been laid and needs to get a fucking life. Michigan state is now perennial power in football, to go along with already being a perennial power in Basketball. They are the adonis almighty in this conference when it comes to athletics. Ohio state is right up there with MSU as far as atheletic powers in the Big ten. As far as Michigan though tell me what they have done for me lately to garner such respect? So far i got a loss to Ohio in Basketball, yes thats the real university of Ohio, and I you have 4 straight losses to your “little brother” in football. Your athletic department is ran by a pizza boy, and is pretty much the definition of mediocrity when it comes to athletics. Long gone are the days of fielding yost and the fab five, actually i dont recall anyone playing college basketball going by the name fab five, probably since they didnt exist. Anyone with half a brain that isnt blinded by the Blue wall michigan propaganda knows MSU has had the better Football team the last few years regardless of bowl results. MSU beat a team that played in the SEC championship, while Meechigan got to play flag football with a crappy ACC team. Your hopes for ending the losing streak to “little brother” on the gridiron, are about on par with Denards pro prospects at quarterback, and hes chances of winning an actual heisman trophy outside the month of september. Dear michigan fuck you and tell me how five in a row tastes.

    • wallstreet38

      June 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

      Wow nice rant crazy buckeye fan…not a fan of either school, but you should know the “streak” is over….Michigan beat OSU. Also a BCS bowl victory is more impressive than finishing 6-7 and losing to florida.

      • SPARTY NO!

        June 14, 2012 at 11:47 pm

        That is actually a spartan fan, thus showing you why they are Meg…

    • Joebob3128

      June 15, 2012 at 8:02 am

      Shut up, Meg.

      • Todd

        June 20, 2012 at 7:16 am

        Best response ever.

    • No Worries

      June 15, 2012 at 3:31 pm

      I believe that a “perennial power” should at least have a recent Rose Bowl appearance in order to use that description. One good year does not make a perennial power. Tomorrow, wake up on the other side of the bed, so you don’t whine so much. The column was for the sake of comedy. Relax there, sport.

    • GoBlue-75

      June 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

      personally i think little brother is more like the bastard offspring of Herbert and Meg.

    • MaizenBlue

      June 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

      Inferiority complex much? It is funny though that no matter what state does they will never get as much respect in academics or athletics as the University of Michigan hahahaha. Everyone who knows ‘dick about the Big Ten’ can see that the Wolverines are on their way back to put state in it’s place. I hope you enjoyed the little run you had there because state’s recruiting class doesn’t show too much promise for the future.

  4. Rossdafukinboss

    June 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    Free Jahlil Suggs from tRCMB my JIGGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! And fuck michigan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Tanfan

    June 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm


  6. blanch

    June 14, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    I jus bangd this fine dimepeice bro, she was totaly bangin. I mean you internet dorks ar tottaly jeolus of all the fine trim i bang on a regulor basis. I fingerblasct atlest 10 chicks a week when im ballin in cleveland. Tanfan picks up babez wit me.

  7. Duffy Munn

    June 14, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Blanch you are an idiot that doesnt know anything about sports, please stop bringing down the value of my degree.

  8. R.P mcmurphy

    June 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Anyone from tRCMB wanna meet up and play disk golf with me? I may offer free rim jobs after we play 18 holes ; )

  9. Dendrobates

    June 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    Free blowjobs to all teh dudes of tRCMB.

  10. Tim

    June 14, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    The msu one is very accurate.

    • MSU FAN

      August 22, 2012 at 10:47 pm

      I have too agree completely.

  11. Dix Feelgood

    June 14, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    I will not deny that i had sexual relations with any of these men, Hayden Fry, Robert Gallery, Kirk Ferentz, Adrian Clayborn, Drew Tate, Jerry Sandusky.

  12. Tims worst nightmare

    June 14, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    Hey tim how about you go fuck yourself buddy. Whos your team pal?

  13. Big Sean

    June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Heres some advice dont mess with the rcmb.

  14. Brodson

    June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    I cant wait to fap to child porn

  15. Colonel Forbin

    June 14, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    Im a pretty big bitch who likes underage girls, but hey if theres grass on the field play ball!

  16. snake dickskin

    June 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Get me some bourbon before i ban everyone of you cocksuckers.

  17. trevor barnes

    June 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I wish i was a real pirate, not a butt pirate.

  18. West Coast, Best Coast

    June 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    love all the sparties on here getting their panties in a bunch. relax, it’s a funny comparison and something to lighten up the off season (and a pretty accurate comparison – – -i love the illinois and purdue ones!).

    sparty – congrats on being relevant for the first time in 40 years. no doubt, beating the worst michigan and ohio state teams in the last half-century is certainly an accomplishment to hang your hat on…looking forward to the red machine stomping you again on your turf next year

    • MSU FAN

      August 22, 2012 at 10:49 pm


  19. Nucky Thompson

    June 14, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    I think its safe to say i am the greatest troll to ever login to tRCMB, let this comments section speak for itself.

  20. West Coast burnt Toast

    June 14, 2012 at 10:49 pm


  21. Tanfan

    June 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Im rich bitch.

  22. AsH-liz

    June 14, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    Please donate money for my crack habit, and also for my brother tim tebow to go convert the people of the holy land in jerusalem. I will give a ten minute blowjob for ever 5$ donation, imagine what you can get for $100+

  23. Jim Delaney

    June 14, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    This is stupid.

  24. gHost Spartan

    June 14, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    Hey tanny want me to send you a pic of my ass i took while in court today brah?

  25. Tanfans wifes chest pillows

    June 14, 2012 at 10:56 pm


  26. Brodson

    June 14, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Fap fap fap.

  27. dmcc

    June 14, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    My nuts hurt.

  28. Nik

    June 15, 2012 at 1:27 am

    never heard of this bryan gottla guy, but by his comments must be a jealous pussy who lives in his mom’s basement. try and write a real football article for once loser.

  29. Tim

    June 15, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Meg, Nooooooooo!

  30. Rouge Leader

    June 15, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I overcompensate for my small penis by acting like a tough guy. Also I’m gay.

  31. Rouge Leader

    June 15, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Also, Nucky Thompson has trolled our board so hard that he practically owns it.

  32. Rouge Leader

    June 15, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Also, I like big black dick in my ass. And Nucky’s dick.

  33. Bolley

    June 15, 2012 at 7:01 am

    man dis wack cuz the bull dont watch cartoons and wrote by nucky like troll and mich no good but trevor steal donate and dont post no more

  34. Greg

    June 15, 2012 at 7:02 am

    The MSU one is easily the most accurate.

  35. Brian Gottula

    June 15, 2012 at 7:06 am

    Hey, my name is Brian Gottula too!! How cool!!… Except my parents aren’t inbred and spelled “Brian” like it’s supposed to be spelled. Really, a Y?? You have to be shitting me. I bet you used to get all kinds of abuse in grammar school, but not by just bullies – little girls, the faculty and even the Sysco guy that delivered chicken nuggets and other delicious lunch menu items. He’d be like, “Hey Brian with a Y. Oh, you think I’s and Y’s are interchangeable as you please huh? Come here, I got something for you.” and he’d whip his thang out for you to suck. And then after he’d nut he’d say “Clean that jizz out your y’s”.

    Seriously though, a Y?? You should do everyone a favor and commit suicide, give the world one less “Bryan”. Just gather all your household cleaners and make a smoothie, add some Whey protein and fruit for added health benefits. And whatever you do, ignore those warnings by the poison control center, they are completely false. Make sure you don’t vomit and the last thing you want to do is call for help, and it will be over before you know it.

    Great article by the way. I laughed so hard that I woke my dog, Myke Hart. And I completely agree with Lois being Michigan. Go Blue!!

  36. Bob Sak"attack"amano

    June 15, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Bump 🙂

  37. coulddothisbetterthanyou

    June 15, 2012 at 7:35 am

    after reading this list i slwly bcame dumer and dmer n dmr…
    btw, i must have missed the episode where meg took over the house with brian and together they tied everyone up in the basement, peter went to jail, loise became the family gimp, the midwest became the liberal center of America, and mort DIDNT go to the rose bowl more recently than everyone but peter and brian. its also pretty funny that herbert would have to sit down and tell lois about the good ol’ days when her great grandmother ruled the nest of colleges, highschools, and ivy league teams. but ever since carter pewterschmidt (bo) stopped being a racist prejudice asshole and allowed immigrants in, the family has really struggled to stay on top. also, lois just found out carter never won a championship and threw up in her mouth a little, was never more proud to be a Griffin, and realized Meg was the pride of the family.

    this guy really sucks at what he does

    • MSU FAN

      August 22, 2012 at 10:54 pm

      nah everything on this article is true.

  38. Brady Hoke Sucks Cock

    June 15, 2012 at 7:39 am


  39. Dantonio the angry elf

    June 15, 2012 at 8:50 am


    The Spartoons are starting to come out of the woodwork like ‘roaches

  40. the sandwich artist

    June 15, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Five, five dollar, five dollar footlong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. Dendrobates

    June 15, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I wouldnt mind a bukkake session with a couple of tRCMB studs. I mean ive been on this board how long? And havent been creeped out by the weirdos on there.

  42. Ottawa spartan

    June 15, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Rape victims are nothing but soft emotional pussies, get over it.

  43. Nucky Thompson

    June 15, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I actually grew up in state college, and had my life touched in more ways than one by the great Jerry Sandusky.

  44. Clayboy

    June 15, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I love how none of you have not a bad thing to say about the Huskers. GOOOOOOO BIIIIIIIIG REEEEEEEED! p.s. fuck of big 10. You’re all a bunch of winey bitches.

  45. Mel Barnes Baby daddy

    June 15, 2012 at 9:25 am

    You werent expecting trevor were you?

  46. Clayboy gayboy

    June 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Yeah gayboy we loved how you guys thought you were going to just join our conference and walk all over us. This conference actually plays defense unlike the 7 on 7 style of the Southwest 10 conference. You cornfuckers will never win this conference, like the curse of the billy goat its the curse of you big gay red mascot thing, what the fuck is that thing anyway? Damn cornfuckers.

  47. Nysparty

    June 15, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I have sources telling me that Jabari parker will be commitingmto MSU within the Hour. I overheard jabari talking to his brother while i taped there phone line.

  48. gHost

    June 15, 2012 at 9:30 am

    I’m actually a very sensitive person and all the mean things you boner fairies say about me really hurts…

  49. GRR Spartan

    June 15, 2012 at 9:31 am

    I know personally the entire cast of Family Guy and can assure you that MSU President Lou Anna Simon, whom I also know personally, is a dead ringer for Meg.

  50. Blanch

    June 15, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Gig fyhh hihhgfdg juicers jhfddsdjhggg hg fd oohh BTP.

  51. Spartanrocky

    June 15, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I knos everything about everything. I am such a armchair quaterback. I have so much free time in my non busy life to dedicate so much time to researching previews for the enjoyment of other sexless dorks like myself.

  52. Phonefag

    June 15, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Fuck the RODS!!!!!!!

  53. jon

    June 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I work in Sports Biz and this was a nice change from the more scholarly things I see on a daily basis. I laughed out loud and shared it with other B10 folks…Great stuff…keep it up

  54. Vegas Dick

    June 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

    You are all a bunch of idiots. I know…I’ve been to Vegas approximately 20 times.


    June 15, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I like chicks with nice butt. Hi Dendro. Pics please!

  56. mastertang

    June 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm


  57. tJYD

    June 15, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Is this about conference realignment?

  58. Wingsfanjim

    June 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Lois is hot but by wife is sooooooooo much hotter!

  59. Sugar Sweet Pete McGrain

    June 15, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    I think I just killed my best friend with a golf ball…

  60. Ed's Medicicne

    June 16, 2012 at 1:50 am

    Black trash problems.

  61. Vargman

    June 16, 2012 at 1:53 am

    Peter is Lebron & Trisha Takinawa is DWade and Takinawa definitely carries the show.

  62. DA

    June 18, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Pretty accurate, decent and funny. Although the PSU character was probably in poor taste.

    Meg and MSU went together the best haha.

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