I have absolutely no reason to write about the movie Bloodsport other than the fact I like it and I enjoy writing about things that I like.
The tl;dr plot of the movie is this: Jean-Claude Van Damme does Jean-Claude Van Damme things as Frank Dux, a U.S. soldier who ends up fighting in a super secret martial-arts tournament. For some reason, it’s never really explained, he’s being chased down by some military guys that are trying to apprehend him. They have like a billion chances to detain JCVD, but somehow end up watching JCVD win the tournament. The end.
If the plot sounds like the movie The Quest, it’s because it’s a freakin’ JCVD movie. They’re all the same. They’re also all awesome.
Nevertheless, there are some really WTF! things going on in this movie. Things I’d like to share with you all. So don your finest Kumite attire as I walk you through five things that made me smh.
Is Chong Li deaf?
So the big bad in this movie is Chong Li, who is played by Bolo Yeung. Yes, that Bolo Yeung. That one too. Anyways, he’s killed like 30 dudes in previous tournaments, he incapacitates Dux’s best bud Ogre…I mean Ray, and naturally meets JCVD in the tournament final.
Li kicks asses and takes all the names leading up to that matchup with Dux, but one thing that always bugged me was how Li handled himself outside of the actual fighting scenes. Like, is he deaf? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s never addressed in the movie.
Watch this Chong Li beatdown mixtape, specifically the clip I have queued up, and tell me you don’t think something’s a little off with the dude. Outside his thirst for blood of course.
Young Dux = LOL
This scene is redonkulous.
First, kid Dux was like thisclose to getting his head chopped off. Second, because he didn’t flinch when a sword was swung in his direction it’s automatically assumed he has fighting machine potential. And lastly, what’s up with the kid’s voice at the end of this clip? It’s like they dubbed over the sound post-production.
The lamest video game scene of all-time
Evidently being a great fighter in real life makes it easy to dominate video games about fighting. Makes sense.
How could all this, which is basically JCVD getting his ass kicked for five minutes…
…not lead to JCVD dominating his future bestie in the ultra-riveting Karate Champ?
Also, this is how you have the two main characters meet? In the most boring video game scene in cinema history? It’s like The Wizard, except without THE GLOVE and an actual good video game to watch.
Hi, I’m Chris Hansen…
Okay, let’s go back to Kid Dux again.
So based on everything we see at the beginning of the movie, it appears the place Dux trains at is in some sort of residential area. That means Senzo Tanaka is basically torturing this poor kid while either 1) nobody notices or 2) nobody says a word about what’s going down.
Like, if you were trying to buy a house next to Tanaka’s torture chamber, the realtor would’ve have been all like, “Nah, don’t worry about all that weird stuff going on over there. That old Asian dude always stretches that kid out.”
In the middle of the movie, Dux meets a reporter named Janice. They instantly hit it off after Dux pulls some David Blaine shit with a coin, I’m not joking, and eventually they knock boots.
They’re a thing after that until the very end where Dux and Janice do that karate bow thing that was done like 57 times throughout the movie. That’s it. They were done after that.
/makes aggressive, but silent Chong Li celebration gesture