In case you were holed up in a mountain shack somewhere getting your Ted Kaczynski on for the past few days, there was big news in the sports world yesterday: Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been banned for life by the NBA for racist comments that were caught on tape.
The internet promptly blew up harder than a Michael Bay movie set and everyone with 140-characters to burn proceeded to speculate wildly about what exactly a “Lifetime Ban” entailed.
One thing’s for certain, though, Donald won’t be going to many home games anymore.
In fact, he’s not allowed to be involved with the team in any way, shape, or form. Which is a really good thing for the Clippers. And for fans of human decency everywhere.
But guys like Donald Sterling don’t go down quietly. They don’t just sit back and let the Adam Silvers of the world kick them in their surgically tightened chops and get away with it. No. If you can bet on one thing: it’s that Donald Sterling won’t take this sitting down. He’s going to get onto his orthopedic-inserted velcro shoes and stand up and fight. In the courtroom and in the court of public opinion.
But what about his former team, the Clippers? Will he do as he’s been instructed and stay away? My guess is this: hell no. I bet it won’t be long before Sterling is having his Bentley driver cruise past the Staples center, while playing James Blunt breakup songs. And then I bet it won’t be long before Donald Sterling finds himself hatching an evil plan to get back in to watch his team play.
But how could someone who’s now universally reviled, and universally recognized, manage to get into a tightly secured facility? Two words: in disguise.
So, I’m doing the security at the Staples Center a favor today and letting them in on what will, in all probability, be Sterling’s plan of attack.
Here are the 4 high-tech disguises — and their elaborately thought out backstories — they need to watch for that Sterling will probably try to use to get in and watch the Clippers’ playoff run.
1. Secret Alias: Donna Schmerling
Backstory: Donna Schmerling has literally nothing in common with Donald Sterling. She’s just a loving widower who has showed up to bake the team some cookies and make sure that the young man who jumps up so high to put the ball in the rim smiles a little more. After all, he is playing a game. She’s not here to try to bribe her way into the owner’s box so she can remove secret documents detailing years and years of chronic racism and misconduct, she’s just here to putter around and make sure that all the lovely dearies are playing nice with one another.
2. Secret Alias: Unknown Klansman
Backstory: because, at this point, you might as well just go full bigot and hide in plain sight. Will everyone know that it’s probably Donald? Yeah. Will they be expecting such a brash maneuver from the man who just Paula Deened his way out of an NBA franchise worth half a billi? They actually might. The good news? Donald’s always wondered if those robes were as comfy as they look. Now, if he goes undercover as a grandwizard in the Klan, he’ll get his chance to find out.
3. Secret Alias: Bruce Jenner
Backstory: As both men go in for their bi-weekly plastic surgery sessions at their same high-priced clinic, the switch will be on! Let’s be honest, it only takes about 15 minutes for a plastic surgeon to cobble together a face that looks like Jenner’s with hot glue, pipe cleaners and a little blush and so it shouldn’t take long before Sterling is ready to head back out. Let’s also be honest about this: Bruce Jenner would probably rather be Donald Sterling at this point than Bruce Jenner anymore. It’ll be kind of like Face/Off except way older, grotesque-er, and with a more plausible storyline.
4. Secret Alias: Cliff Paul’s Racist Uncle, Ron Sterling
Backstory: Everyone loves the backstory created by State Farm marketing gimmick, Cliff Paul. Supposedly he was separated at birth from his identical twin. Yeah, somehow they have the same name. Sure, it’s never addressed why such a horrendous felony was perpetrated on the Paul family or how Cliff would battle out of the throes of deep depression when he realized that his brother had lead such a charmed life. But what if there was another layer? What if the man who separated Chris and Cliff in such a mid-afternoon-soap-opera-ish twist was actually the Paul twins’ very own uncle? And what if that very own evil uncle had a twin himself? And what if that evil uncle was actually the identical twin brother of now-banned-for-life Clippers owner, Donald Sterling?
A complicated backstory to be sure, but this is no small matter, attempting to circumvent the NBA’s lifetime ban and watch your team play.
So keep your eye out! Citizens of Los Angeles, be vigilant. For you never know when Donald Sterling may be walking among you!